Sometimes I take myself and the minor problems in my life too seriously. Certainly we all have challenges, obstacles and roadblocks and some are insurmountable, but overall we just put one foot in front of the other it all works out. If you are a believer like me in the end we receive our just reward with our Creator in Heaven. I am wont to wallow in my grief, and unable at times to realize the insignificance of our problems but for the most part I can stay in the moment and be happy..

  Usually just passing by a homeless person on the street, witnessing an accident or some other tragedy can snap me back to reality and make me realize the gift that has been given me. For one, I was recently married to a high school sweetheart that has changed my life in a dramatic way. Sometimes all I have to is to look into the faces of my children and realize all is right with the world. I have friends scattered across the country, endless opportunities and quite frankly right now I have all one could ask for.

   This is the season of thanksgiving, the season of receiving and the season of giving. Take a minute and look around and see what you have been given no matter how trivial. Give thanks for the gifts you have been given, and above all give back those gifts to others. No other season matches this one. Let us not squander it, but use it in the way it is meant to be. Reach out to old friends, give to those less fortunate and most of all be able to receive the gift given to you, life, love, and salvation. Accept this gift from me, my friendship, my help whenever I can give it, my love for you as a fellow human being and the hope that this next year is better than the last, full of joy, love and success. Give this same gift to others and watch it come back to you.

   These are really all we have to give each other. This year let us give these gifts in abundance and with sincerity. Share what we have, rejoice in the chance that we can still have peace on Earth and good will toward men. Do not give up on the dream of happiness, wealth and abundance no matter how you measure it. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and may you all be blessed with what you need and want.

   It is the holiday season now in the United States and most other countries of the world. During this time of year we here in the States and others abroad celebrate with thanksgiving for what we have and celebrate a gift that we were given. It is during this time that many people will travel to what, or gather in what they call "home." I have begun to wonder exactly what constitutes this place we hold dear, this place we are drawn to, or draw others to for celebrations, for remembrances, for feasts and fasts, for safety and for love. You will have to bear with me on this one as I may wander through my somewhat self-constructed belief system founded on my knowledge and faith.

   I am a believer. I believe in God the Father and His Son and the Holy Spirit. I believe as I have wet my beak in the knowledge of physics and math and as a history major in college that the existence of the Trinity is irrefutable. Bear with me please as I am not proselytising, but rather trying to describe something that we see as a place, something we feel we can go to and leave at will. To me this place exists inside each of us. It does not stand on a street or quiet boulevard. It is a gift we have been given and it is at this time of year that we give thanks for this gift and in return try as best we can to give this gift to others. For me I have come to realize that home is truly where the heart is. I know that sounds trite and cliche. However, in my experience and analysis and from what I know to be true and what I believe, we have been given a home that is not made of bricks and mortar, or of plaster and wood. We have been given a home that is a construct of love and faith, of salvation and peace. We only have to look inward to find it.

   As a child of divorce and having been married and divorced more than once, as a person who has been through some of the worst natutal disasters to strike the country I have seen all the material things that I owned, all the walls that protected me, the roof that sheltered me, shattered and washed away both figuratively and literally. I have found myself standing awestruck by the swiftness that what I once thought was mine, that what I once thought was eternal simply vanished and was gone, out of reach and forever and inexorably changed. I have shed countless tears and wasted many days trying to recover and regain the material things that I thought made up what was my home. Things that no matter how many times I reacquirred were easily lost again, things that I thought defined me and defined my "home".

   As I sit here today writing this I know I am home and wherever I am I will always be home. I hold home in my heart, in the faces of my children, in the memories of my paraents and theirs before them. I hold home in the memory of friends once known and now gone, in the knowledge of friends here now and those yet to enter my life. My home is the gratitude I have in my heart for all that has been given to me, for all of those people who have fed me, that I have fed and those who through our shared grief have consoled each other and shared a commonality that cannot be denied or taken away.

   We have the capacity to give and receive love and we must be adept at doing both. For only through being able to receive can we give back and we must give back to keep that which has been given. That is our home. That is my home. I have a home forever in me that can never be taken from me or swept away. My home is a place of love for all who dwell in it and a place of safety and joy, gladness and celebration for myself and those who visit. Sometimes my home is messy and in dire need of repair, but I have been given the tools to rebuild it no matter what assails it. It has room for infinite love and has as much to give. I will try to protect it and keep it, to honor it and strengthen it and welcome all who enter and my hope for everyone is that they have the same. A place to always dwell in love and peace and call home.

    I had the need to go through some of my old documents the other day. Those pieces of paper that define us, that tell our story, those papers by which the State validates our existence and our journey through life. Having been married to some compulsive women and thanks to my mother I am fortunate enough to have most everything that validated my journey from birth to the present. I had a specific document in mind when I started, but before long that was lost in the remembrance both bitter and sweet that these pieces of pressed pulpwood brought forth.

   Like an old song, the smell of a favorite dish, or the particular feel of a given day I was being taken back down the road that I still travel.. It is a strange thing about traveling backwards in time. The trip is linear and there are no forks, no clouds and everything is clear and present, sharp and painful. At times it is soft and inviting to find that one particular memory and wrap yourself in it for the moment and then release it back to breeze that blows against us as we move forward. The road forward is is never downhill and there are innumerable forks. Unlike the road behind us the road forward cannot be glimpsed but at each step and the next step is just over the rise and cannot be seen. As humans we press on as long as we are able. Some lose strength and stop to rest, never to take the journey up again, only to become a piece of paper in the stack of memories to those that knew them.

   Strange how that search for a particularly important piece of paper morphed into a meditation yet once again on my life and the lives of those around me. Some still here and others resting under a shade tree farther back down the round than I care to think about, still visible, still able to be seen, but never met on the path we still walk. These meditations and memories serve to strengthen my resolve and bring me back to the path ahead. Too many times in the past few years I have been tempted to stop, to take seat for just a minute and rest. Maybe just to catch my breath and let my tired aching feet take a break.

   But I don't. I can't. I remember all of those who did that and will not see today, be in this moment, see the sunrise or set again. I am not being maudlin or morose. I am not morbidly obsessed with the loss of those once loved and held dear I am just living. I resolve to keep the gift given to me and from this moment and every moment going forward to cherish the gift and receive it as it was intended. For me to live, for me to experience and share. From now on I will not hold back and I will allow myself to receive the precious gift of each moment. I resolve also to share it...with someone, to allow love in and to allow love out to others. As I press on, behind me scattered in the wind are a stack of papers that mean nothing. They do not validate me...I do, my life does and believe it or not as you cross my path or walk with me for a while we will validate each other with gift that has been given us.

 

 

   I shy away from writing about politics. No, wait, shy away is not a good phrase. I shun it it. I loathe writing about it and for me since I am not in the business it seems ludicrous as a way of life. However, with all that is going lately I am compelled to include it in today's writing. Much is going on around the world in area of political struggles and the never ending maneuvering for power. If you think about it we do it on the micro level in our everyday lives as well. Sometimes I think it is a lack of inner calm or peace that brings this about. That lack of inner calm or peace brings about fear and in turn with the fear we begin to seek power over others.

   For some reason man has always sought power over others, for personal gain, evil, yes I said evil, and some sense of safety, but I think the seeking of power is out of fear. When we fear we need to have control over our situation because once we are afraid we must admit we have lost control over our selves. It is this self control and elimination of fear that I strive for more often lately. Fear drives me more than any other emotion. It forces me to make judgments, right or wrong, about others. It forces me to make choices that may have brought about something better, but the fear of failure stopped the effort. To counter balance the notion of fear man has come up with courage. The best definition of courage I have heard is doing something while still being afraid.

   Based on the above definition we are all courageous. We go about pour daily lives doing things that we have an innate fear of, and in doing them conquer that fear and move onward. Some of these things are mundane, such as public speaking, driving to work, or asking for that raise. Others are a little more daunting and do not need description here as we can name too many. The point is we need to realize that fear is what drives us, what motivates us, the one thing that determines our life's direction is fear. We must also realize that this fear exists in everyone. Anyone who claims they are unafraid are liars, foolish and to be avoided.

   I meditate each day. Some days not in a formal sit in a lotus position and hum way, but I take time to be still and listen to myself. I quiet the cacophony of voices telling me what I should be doing, what I need to be doing and listen to the voice that tells me what I want to be doing. In this inner being I always find that spark of fear. The fear of stepping out of the norm and being ridiculed, the fear of some unknown and unknowable physical danger, the fear of being alone and the ever present fear of being wrong. I examine what it is I really want, simplify it, qualify it and study the consequences. The one thing I always realize is that the consequence of not doing the thing, the ramifications of not making an attempt always outweigh the the consequence of failure. So I focus on the doing and not the failure. I study and analyze and go through the attempt before examining the end result. Because to not try; that is the real failure, and after all it is the fear of failure that drives us all. I know it drives me as I start over, over 50.

   We all have our detractors. Some of us for some unknown reason, or reasons have more than others. I guess it it is a subjective issue to each one of us. I remember as a child being baffled every time someone took a dislike to me. I was indifferent and aloof when it came to others. I stayed close to those in my circle of friends and while I held no animus towards those on the outside I did not give them much thought either. As I grew older I came to realize that there were people in this world that did not like me for many reasons and people that despised me for no reason I could discern.

   It is still that way. It used to hurt me greatly when I knew people felt this way. I used to have a sort of fear of these people too, afraid to get too close and find out what they really thought and have my happy little picture me burst before my eyes and my weaknesses, ugliness, and terrible traits laid bare for me to see. Back then I apparently liked to live in denial. I assumed that I liked me so every else must feel the same. Again, I truly felt no animus towards any one person, I guess it was my aloofness and lack of awareness that may have offended others. As I have grown older I have certainly done things to cause people to dislike me. Some things that are pretty bad and some things that when summed up together seem even worse.

   There are also people I know that dislike me for reasons of their own that I had nothing to do with. Those that I know I remind of some one thing they said, or did and do not want to be constantly reminded of so I am the target of their disdain or hatred. I have no problem with this for two reasons. I may have had a part in the act they no longer want to remember. We may have been together during a particularly bad time that brings back terrible memories better left buried beneath the debris of the past and only revealed through a careful sifting and cataloguing of the contents. My presence may bring this out more readily. The other reason is that maybe they have wronged me somehow and in seeing me they are reminded of what they are capable of. Maybe they are reminded of a part of them they do no wish to acknowledge so I am the easy target.

   There is another more simpler answer though. It may be to some people I am simply unlikable. Maybe there are things about me that just seem to bring out the dislike in others. I know in my life there are people like that for me. Don't ask me why, and while I try not to judge and to assume the best of everyone, there are some that I just cannot like no matter how hard I try. I have come to grips with both issues. I realize that no matter how hard I try there are plenty of people that may tolerate me, but in no way do they like me and there are people that elicit the same reaction from me. It's okay. To those who do not like me, I am okay with it. You do not matter nor do your opinions matter any more than my liking you, or my opinions of you matter. However, remember I am a son of the south and will remain genteel as long as possible. I will suffer the boor for as long as possible and dodge the slings and arrows of your vitriol for as long as I can, but I will eventually return to what my father told me is the only thing some people really understand and that is a punch in the mouth either metaphorically or for real. I will weigh my options carefully though as I start over, over 50.

   I have written in the past of my compulsion to write being the primary reason for putting my thoughts down into this format. I have also found however, that sometimes I am compelled to shut up. For one reason or another I find myself with thoughts and ideas about burst from my skull yet some unknown force prevents me from sitting down and doing it. Oddly, I do not find it frustrating nor do I endure some sort of internal struggle trying to battle forces bent on my spewing forth nonsensical claptrap that has no meaning other than to occupy blank space on a page.

   This recent hiatus came from a trip I took to visit a very good friend halfway across the country for some much needed if not deserved escapism. I have been living within myself for so long lately that an outside distraction was sorely needed. I flew far to the northern end of the country to enjoy some professional sports, good company, food, and fermented hops and barley. When I returned I felt like a different person in some ways. Not a new man, just somehow different from when I left. It is amazing what a change of scenery and some new people around you can do for your perspective.

   I still face the same issues. I still have some of the same hills to climb yet they somehow appear less daunting and not nearly as high.I know that no matter what, everywhere else in this world are people just like me facing the same things, some far worse, on a daily basis. My hope is they have friends similar to mine. The quantity is not the issue, but rather quality. I have a rather small circle of friends (at least in my view) that judge not, criticize when needed and help all the time in whatever way they can. That is all a man can ask. I only hope I am as good a friend to them as they are to me.

   In hindsight after writing today I can see why there was a lull in my work. Sometimes some things do not need to be said right away. Some times things need to be put aside and of course sometimes some things need never be said at all. Having friends and cultivating relationships is what we as humans were designed for. We are social animals and for the most part altruistic. We were not meant to be alone and I really do not know a single person that would stand by and not lend a hand when needed. Today I will continue to carry my friends with me because that is the poultice on the wounds of my soul. Friendship is the elixir of life, the fountain of youth and the cure for all maladies of the heart and soul. Have a dose of friendship today, offer a treatment for a broken mind, heart or soul and be a healer for a little while. I will do that today as much as I can as I start over, over 50.

   There are a lot of things I had planed to write today and the rest of the week. Subjects that I am sure were deep, profound and enlightening. However, far more talented writers than I have done such a great job of if I would think any attempt I can offer would to be too sophomoric and not capture the gravity of the situation and or give any sense of new meaning or any closure to such a still fresh gaping wound.The one that happened 13 years ago today.

 What  happened today thirteen years ago was a horrific act than can only be characterized as senseless mass murder committed cowardly ideologues. Somehow in our zeal to improve, what
 needed  to be done and done quickly be cane apparent we were the bad guys. The whole mess in this area was our fault micromanage, or to generally make life better for those who we thought and others thought were like us . We the devil, Christians, thieves and idolaters who had come to kill the men and rape and enslave the women and children caused all of this carnage and death. Ha we stepped in the world the world have Settled in to blissful state of Utopia and we would all live happily ever after.

   Current and past event suggest otherwise. There far too many major and minor conflicts that could at any moment make the whole mess explode and not be be able to stop until mutually assured destruction is achieved. These lands are ancient and have been occupied by many tribes and groups back and forth wars as raged on. The victor wants land for as long as he could hold it. I cannot see that  stopping Foreign intervention foments these struggles as each tries to whisper dreams of untold wealth, power and continued United States promises of high-tech whiz bangs to show during military parades

   In an ancient area of the Middle East the situation is forever fluid and changes as as there hours in a day. A culture that celebrates death is a very hard one to defeat. We have learned from the Vietnam War that we cannot change the minds and hearts of most of the people. When fighting an oppressed impoverished  people the locals need to be on the front lines. WE provide support, search and rescue and medical, but past that we can do much else other than supply and arm them and offer training and Intel. and Evacuation as a last resort. We cannot fix the entire world as  admirable as that may be. Certain ideologies will never be open it. I think that in life when are beset by those around determined  label an categorize us as "A certain Way". People who have convinced themselves they know us and can see right through us, let them. They now have plenty to do having solved the enigma that was you and know they just that much more. Be glad  for as they are now being so enlightened to trip to Nirvana is that much closer. Also to remember to to forgive. Try to practice everyday. Not necessarily everyone and all the time sometimes not but just in prayer you sent to ask that forgiveness me note and passed forward So I guess it' about forgiveness. " I tried to get down to the heart of the matter, but will gets week and my thoughts seem to scatter,, but I think it's about forgiveness, about forgiveness. I willl continue this practice more and more I  I hope as I start over, over 50