Another day and another new beginning. I was trying to think about the direction I would like to go with this writing project yesterday. When I started I thought it was good for me to wallow in the past and all that had happened and that writing about it would somehow speed up the healing process. So like most drunks in AA I spent everyday living in the past and counting up all of the bad things that had happened to me and believing that in dong so I would improve. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to criticize AA, I am only saying that I think some people in and out of AA have the wrong idea about the whole..."an unexamined life is not worth living" idea.

   I have come to the conclusion that as we examine our life we must look at the past, but not in a negative manner. The fact that we can examine it is a positive attribute about our past. All of the things that happened are simply life lessons. The good, the bad, the happiness, the loss, the gain etc, are all sign posts and material we need on our journey. When I examine my life now I look at what I am carrying and discard those things that are weighing me down. Going through life with extra baggage is a waste of time. I no longer tally up the misery, or define myself by what has happened. I am what I am and not what anything, or anybody else has made me.

  My outlook is slowly changing. It is not a quick fix. Changing over fifty years of thinking habits requires discipline. Not the stringent discipline of a marathon runner, or professional athlete, but the temerity to keep at it even when you do not see immediate results. When you listen to highly successful and happy people talk they all seem to have the same common trait. Confidence and a firm belief that they will succeed even after repeated failures. When you look at the track records of an Edison, or Salk, or Bill Gates you find numerous setbacks and misses on their way to their goal. We have to be able to accept the fact that we will fail many times as we move forward, that many obstacles will block our path to our intended goal. We will never stay on the path if we leave it to go around hurdles. They must be overcome and we must keep going. We learn valuable lessons from each and every failure and obstacle that we encounter.

  Whether you are starting over because of a personal loss, medical reason, death of a loved one or many of the many life changing events that we face every day be confident about your ability. Have faith in whatever you believe in, God, the nebulous idea of the universe being in charge, or yourself. Whatever gets you through the journey embrace it. Each day is a new beginning, filled with promise and endless possibilities. None of the things that happen to you should be looked at as a negative event. Each thing that happens provides us with new knowledge and experience that help us mover forward, all of which are a good thing. I know they are good for me and I use them as I start over, over 50.

   One of the constants of starting over is being able to do it any time you want. How many times have we begun writing a letter, or e-mail, or started to tell a story and have had to start over? That is how our lives work. No matter what it is, or where in life you are we have been given the gift of a new beginning. Every day, every hour, every minute and second is a chance for a new beginning. Time marches on inexorably and we can begin anew whenever the mood strikes us. That is not to say that we should look at these time increments as an excuse to stop doing something, or withdraw completely, but when we find ourselves in a bad spot, making a bad decision or having done something that is harmful we can put on the brakes and start over.

   When I was in college one of the most valuable lessons I was taught was the first rule of holes. The first rule of holes is simply when you find yourself in a hole put down the shovel. That one piece of advice has stood firm in my psyche since I first heard it. When you have made a series of decisions that put you deep in the mire of some vexing situation stop what you are doing. Put down the shovel. In other words it is time to look around and see where you are.

   Once you realize where you are it is time to extricate yourself from the hole you have dug. Realizing that you dug this hole is absolutely necessary to being able to get out of it. You have some options here. You can replace the dirt and rise up as the hole fills back in, or if that is not possible you can claw your way out, dust yourself off and move on. Generally I have found myself in holes too deep to refill and must claw and fight my way out of said hole.

   When you manage to get out of the hole I would suggest leaving the shovel behind. Too many times we find ourselves in a hole, manage to get out, but then we pick up that shovel and move on to another location and do the same thing all over again. Einstein defined this as insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Do not fall into this trap. As humans we tend to believe that we had the right idea and if we just try it again it will work this time all the while knowing in the back of our minds that the result is always the same. Stop it! get rid of the shovel and move on. Find some new tool to use.

  Each day is a new beginning filled with promise and endless possibilities. Move on and quit trying to prove yourself right by putting yourself in the same tired situations that do nothing for you. Begin each day without the past. Do not look at the past with regret or longing because it is gone. The past cannot be changed, only learned from. Dust yourself off and move on. Go on and carpe this day. It is a gift given to you. Do not squander it and for God's sake put down the shovel as I have, starting over, over 50.

   

  Back to the beginning is where I am today. I started this blog 3 years ago as way to work through what I saw were the wrongs done to me by others and to try and figure out what happened. While the initial exercise worked in a way it was the wrong way to get where I wanted to be. It was when I realized that the past meant nothing that I was able to change they way I was reacting to what had happened. That is the key I believe. How we react to circumstances dictates our perception of them.

   

   Since I titled this blog Starting Over Over 50 I will attempt to keep to that topic. If you conduct a cursory search of the www you will find that there is an abundance of such blogs so I will just stick to what I know and what is working for me. It may not be enlightening or groundbreaking, but it will do what I set out to do when I first started. And what was it that I set out to do? I have no idea, but since I started this I really need to see it through to the end whenever that may be.

  What is the first thing I learned from starting over over the age of 50? Excellent question! I learned I needed to let go of the past. The truth is that past no longer exists. The memories of it linger and how we see those memories and which memories we choose to hold close are what define how we react to the past. Most of us let the past dictate our present and how we view the future. If we see the past as something terrible that harmed us and left us scarred, bleeding and reeling from repeated blows, the slings and arrows of misfortune leaving us bloody and near emotional death then that is what we are setting up our future to be. We have to realize that our reality is ours and ours alone. Those that we think shaped our present and defined our past really do not see it that way. To think of our past in that manner gives power to those people that they neither earned, nor deserve and probably do not want.

   As I go about my business I vow to attempt to stay in the present at all times. The past is gone and all that is left are memories and I choose to recognize those memories as what they are, ethereal visions of events that only hold meaning to me as they are my memories. Was it all bad? No, none of it was bad. I learned from the past and as near as I can tell I suffered no harm, physical or emotional. I am standing upright, happy and well. I am grateful for all that I have. Whatever I had yesterday means nothing because yesterday does not exist. Go about your day today and every day in celebration of the now, in grateful anticipation of things yet to come and with the confidence that you can survive anything. I am going to do that as I start over, over 50.

   

    Wow, I have just come back to this blog I started almost 3 years ago. I quit it...don't know why, but I did. I have read the old posts and they were all relevant to the time, but now in hindsight they have no bearing. So much has happened since my last post. So much has changed for the better and some things have not changed at all. I think I will revisit this blog thing and try it again. I have been encouraged to write again so I will. I will keep this blog for me, to document my progress, or lack of progress and to keep my thoughts on this topic in order and contemporary.

    I am currently unemployed, mostly due a serious fall down the stairs about two years ago. It is frustrating and difficult, but I am dealing with it. I have found myself yet again in and out of another relationship. I no longer believe that I will marry again, and have rededicated myself to my children and my well being.  For reasons that are unknown to me I have become estrange from most of my immediate family and while it stings a little at my age I will survive. I no longer hurt as I did two years ago and have much more confidence and faith in what the future holds. I have started keeping a daily journal and have reached out to some old friends with much success.

   I am on the road back and I feel great! I am certain that the future holds great promise and cannot wait for each day to begin. I will document some of the things that brought me here and share insights to what has worked for me. I hope what I write is of some value to other. I know it has value to me. I will post some links that I have found helpful and share some books that I have enjoyed. I welcome any and all comments and suggestions as well as questions. I am still starting over, over 50.


Books: Dance of the Wu Li Masters

   http://www.ramdass.org/

 
 
    

My children

   Feeling down? Feeling blue? Has something been weighing heavy on your heart and keeping you from really enjoying life? I have the solution and stumbled across it by accident. If you ask me it should be standard therapy for those who are, or think they are suffering from depression. It requires children. You’ll need a little league ball field and some knowledge of baseball. Throw in an adult child struggling with trying to better themselves and all of your worries about yourself will melt away.

   My youngest (the boy) started little league ball this spring. My middle child (the girl) started softball. My oldest child (the woman) is working through college. Watching all of them go through something new, challenging and at times difficult for them lifts me out of the doldrums without side effects and without the involvement of medical professionals. The boy had tryouts the other night and on the way there he told me he was so excited his stomach hurt. He was eager and looking forward to something he knew nothing about without fear and trepidation, but rather with excitement and eagerness. We arrived early and had a quick orientation and he went through the coaches’ drills with gusto, giving it his best effort. He couldn’t wait to tell everyone about what he can do and show off his gear.

   My youngest girl is signed up for softball. She did not have to try out but yesterday we had to cover the basics and she was determined to at least be able to look like she knew what she was doing. With determination and grit she practiced batting, throwing and even ran a lap or two around the field for dad. Exuberant is the way I would describe both of their approaches to this new endeavor. The girl knows she may get hurt, she knows she can’t play very well yet, but with my guarantee that she will get better over time she presses on.

   My oldest (the woman) is married and working full time; starting a life with her husband and trying to make it the best possible. She is forever looking for new ways to make more income and improve things in their lives’. She is finishing college which many of us know is no mean feat even without the added pressure of a marriage and a full time job. Yet she pushes forward confident in her abilitity to get it done and optimistic about what her future will look like. She will call with problems and questions and generally work through them on her own with my only contribution being to listen and agree with her. She is facing a difficult climb and yet she is also confident that with the passage of time and some hard work she will finish and her lot in life will improve.

   Three children, all mine and all facing challenges unafraid and ready to do what it takes to be better and have fun. It is amazing what our children can teach us for they are indeed mirrors that show us what we already know. Their strength and courage came from their parents. Their exuberance for life and trying new things comes from examples set by their parents. Their confidence that things will be alright and turn out better than they hoped comes from watching us as adults plow through life’s difficulties, knocking down barriers and persevering no matter how hard the road, how long the journey, how unknown the outcome. We teach them that for a reason. The same reason our parents taught us the same lessons. My new personal mission statement, “It’s life! Quit crying and live it.”,  and watching my children believe me when I tell them all will be well guide me now and assure me that all will be well. I will let them show me how to live and move forward with courage and laughter as I start over, over 50.

Mardis Gras

   Mardis Gras, Fat Tuesday, a time for excess and in some cases base debauchery. Our lives mirror this annual cycle for Christians and enjoyed by nonbelievers if only for the excuse to act boorish. It seems to me, from my limited time on Earth, we go through our lives for periods of time unfocused on any self examination, clamoring for instant gratification and ignoring anything beyond our immediate wants and desires. Self reflection is necessary and we should not wait for some reminder to consider self sacrifice and things bigger than us.

   Every failed relationship of mine has mirrored the progression towards Fat Tuesday and the Lenten season. I rock along unconcerned, focused on the meaningless things, forgetting introspection until I reach the point of Mardis Gras, or Fat Tuesday. That day may represent months for me, but I spend it the same way. Awed by gaudy and glitzy things, intoxicated with my own arrogance and oblivious to the world around me, the needs of others, or that others even exist.

   Eventually Fat Tuesday ends and I am left with an emotional hangover as bad as any alcohol fueled illness. I wake up alone, in the gutter of the world trying to remember what happened. I look around at the remnants of the season before, the litter of hurt feelings, unspoken kind words and deeds, and wallow in the ignorance of the existence of anyone else but me. It is then that a price must be paid, a pound of flesh given. The glitz and flash are gone. The happiness and self indulgence are over and an inventory must be taken.

   So here I am on the Ash Wednesday of my life, penitent, broken and ready to sacrifice anything to show that I am worthy, my life has meaning and I am capable of love, that I am capable and worthy of being loved. I am forced to give up something for Lent, something that I need and is dear to me, but isn’t that the purpose of Lent? To show that we can give up some measure of something important, that we can suffer to show our worthiness and after forty days we can get back to living our lives and receiving grace and love. I enjoyed the party and I am ready for the sacrifice, albeit a forced one, but I am resigned to my fate, I have received the sign of the cross on my forehead and forgiven myself as I start over, over 50.

  

No title needed

   I have not written anything in a long time. Not surprising, at least to me. One of the reasons I started writing about this was to be brutally honest with myself while trying to keep moving forward. It is that honesty that slowed down my production. In retrospect it all seems like so much drivel anyway. The title of this effort is Starting over, over 50, but to be able to start over you have to finish and leave something else behind and that’s where I get hung up.

   They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. I am going to be an emotional Hercules when I get to the other side of this. I grieve today as hard as I did 6 months ago. Mostly I grieve for my children who deserve none of this, yet have to be a part of it forever. For the rest of their lives these times will define and shape much of what they become. I know this because I am the product of one of the millions of broken lives and families dashed upon the rocks like so much flotsam from a wrecked ship of dreams.

   Honesty? I cry the entire way to work nearly every morning and do the same thing for the return trip home. To this day I cannot talk about my children or what once was and what is to be without coming to tears. I choke up and cannot get the words out. Just a glance at an old picture or the random memory that pops into my head can cause crippling grief that takes my breath, stops my heart and brings me to my knees. I am not depressed, but I grieve so strongly that sometimes I am just as debilitated. I was told by a professional that I am likely grieving from a lifetime of loss. Feelings that I once pushed down, drown, or tried to chemically wash from my psyche are now rushing to the surface like a millennia of lava held down by the highest mountain.

    Yet, while I grieve I remain optimistic. I still function, the children seem happy and like I have been told time is serving to ease the pain. No matter how deep the wound scar tissue eventually starts to form. I no longer fight the grief, the sadness or the pain. I embrace it and nurture it and allow it to come forth unabashed and with no shame. It is the truth and I will no longer deny it. After all, right now the truth is all I have as I start over, over 50.