Part of moving on is letting go of the past. I have written about letting go of the past and the importance of hanging on to certain portions of it. I have mentioned we need windows on the past so we can see where we’ve been and somehow avoid the pitfalls that make parts of the past hard to view. I have been guilty, probably since the beginning of my situation, of playing the victim. As much as I abhor victimhood and blaming others for my situation I have been engaged in that behavior. It is sad really because I thought I was making progress in spite of what someone may have done to me whether real or imagined, when in actuality I was still wallowing in the mire of hate and blame and passive aggressive behavior that serves no purpose other than to satisfy some sick inner need to not be accountable for my actions.
No one caused this situation. No one set out with malice and premeditation to make my life miserable. Yet for some reason I felt compelled to find blame, point fingers and make accusations that are counterproductive to real growth and engaged in boorish behavior. For that I beg forgiveness from all involved. What happened simply happened and had been coming for a long time whether I wanted to see it or not. I was a part of it and as a part of it I share in the cause. It is over now and that is all that matters. How and why do not matter. There is no going back, only forward and that is why I am writing this, it is all about forward motion. Moving on and starting over and I do not want to start over with hate in my heart and blame on tongue, for if I wanted to see the cause for all of this all I have to do is look inward.
From this point forward I have taken a personal vow to accept what is and make the best of the situation as possible. Again, I have a good job, benefits and a real career. I have family and friends that truly love me and I do them a disservice if I am not honest about how I got here. I brought myself here. I could have possibly stopped this from happening, but I did not. I am here at the crossroads and I have just dumped a whole pile of blame, anger and resentment in the ditch. I am hoping the cleansing rains of renewal will wash it all away and I am moving on. I vow from this point forward to be cognizant of where I am and how I got here. All I have to do is look in the mirror each day as I start over, over 50.
No comments:
Post a Comment