Change

     Black Friday is not an apropos term although I understand its reference is a financial one. This day after Thanksgiving is a bright day for a lot of us. We were able to spend the day enjoying the company of loved ones and good food. I spent the week and the day with my children. It was nice while it lasted and I am very grateful for the time. It is part of the new paradigm in my life as I stumble towards some sense of normalcy and new traditions. It is not just my situation that makes it all so different. Things are changing rapidly all around me. From family to work my life has changed from what it was and that is all part of starting over.

    Adjusting to change is difficult under the best of circumstances. I speak from experience as a child of divorced parents. I remember a lot of resentment and anger, but it was not directed at any individual, but at some nebulous thing that may or may not have caused the change. I still have difficulty with acceptance, but at my age it becomes easier. I still push back against it, try to immediately stop it. I hang on to the past like some secret treasure or Gollum’s ring, but I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to keep doing the right things so I can be prepared for whatever happens. That is what I concentrate on now. Things are not as dark as they seemed, yet I still have this overwhelming sense of impending doom that waxes and wanes with my mood and seems to cling to my psyche with a tenacity that I cannot shake.

   I have learned that our greatest fears are rarely if ever realized and that things never end up as bad as we imagine and I am clinging to that. I know I have not done everything right as I go through this and I am certain I will make some more mistakes as I go along. The toughest part is not the change in my life, it is the change that I have noticed going on all around me. I was so blind before, comfortable in my life and certain of what the future held for me I never noticed my parents growing older, nieces and nephews and even my own children with lives of their own and responsibilities now that they did not have previously. I stayed so wrapped in my own life that I did not notice everything around me changing.

   Now change has been forced upon me. I say that now with my tongue firmly implanted in my check. Hindsight has allowed me to see that the change was coming as certain as high tides in the spring. I am learning to pay more attention to others around me and the circumstances that are sweeping me along like some avalanche of indifference to my readiness to accept it or not. I am hopeful that I can get my footing and be what I need me to be and what others need me to be. Like it or not we are our brothers’ keepers. We do not go through life alone and everything we do has an effect on those around us. Sometimes it’s negligible and other times not so much. I am steadfast in my resolve to come through this to the benefit of not only myself but to everyone around me. I will be successful of that I am certain. There is no other alternative as I start over, over 50.