Friday

   I had a chat the other day with a wonderful lady that opened my mind a little about why I am struggling so much to get through this and get back to what I consider normal for me. There was a time in my life when impulse ruled me, chaos was the order for the day and I never worried about anything beyond that very moment. As I aged and then remarried, and had children at a late age there was a drastic change. A very positive change, but still a very drastic change in my lifestyle, wants needs and the things I valued. The future became an issue and things took on a different but much more satisfying tone. Needless to say, if you have been following this blog, that all came to a screeching halt about six months ago.

    I value order, schedules, and a certain symmetry in my life. Until recently I have been struggling with the loss of that. That is where this wonderful lady comes in. Besides explaining the grief process to me and explaining to me that what I was feeling was inevitable and natural she pointed out some obvious things that I should have noticed and done something about. The order and symmetry are still there. It’s just all different. The same things still need to get done. The house has to be cleaned, laundry has to get done, I have to eat and take care of myself. There are bills to pay, people to stay in touch with and a job to go to. I still have to take care of my childrend. It’s just all different now. The order did not go away. The same symmetry is still there, all of the same things still occur in my life, except now it is just a little different.

   A little different was an understatement form where I was sitting, but I knew she had a point. I have a schedule, laundry gets done, I eat, I work, I still interact with others it is just different now. For me what happened is the eight hundred pound gorilla that follows me around, to others, it is still me except with a new address and to still others I am just me, they don’t know my past, and are only concerned with the me they know now and just met and in some cases hired.

   I am thankful as we head towards this day of Thanksgiving. I am thankful for all that I have and all that I am gaining. I will mourn the losses, but I have more gratitude lately than regret. It is still tough and some days are still really hard to get through, but I have some confidence and direction now. So if you are struggling with something in your life give voice to it. Talk to someone about it. The worse thing that can happen is someone just listens. However, more often than not good things come from giving voice to our troubles. I did and it works for me so far as I start over, over 50.