My children

   Feeling down? Feeling blue? Has something been weighing heavy on your heart and keeping you from really enjoying life? I have the solution and stumbled across it by accident. If you ask me it should be standard therapy for those who are, or think they are suffering from depression. It requires children. You’ll need a little league ball field and some knowledge of baseball. Throw in an adult child struggling with trying to better themselves and all of your worries about yourself will melt away.

   My youngest (the boy) started little league ball this spring. My middle child (the girl) started softball. My oldest child (the woman) is working through college. Watching all of them go through something new, challenging and at times difficult for them lifts me out of the doldrums without side effects and without the involvement of medical professionals. The boy had tryouts the other night and on the way there he told me he was so excited his stomach hurt. He was eager and looking forward to something he knew nothing about without fear and trepidation, but rather with excitement and eagerness. We arrived early and had a quick orientation and he went through the coaches’ drills with gusto, giving it his best effort. He couldn’t wait to tell everyone about what he can do and show off his gear.

   My youngest girl is signed up for softball. She did not have to try out but yesterday we had to cover the basics and she was determined to at least be able to look like she knew what she was doing. With determination and grit she practiced batting, throwing and even ran a lap or two around the field for dad. Exuberant is the way I would describe both of their approaches to this new endeavor. The girl knows she may get hurt, she knows she can’t play very well yet, but with my guarantee that she will get better over time she presses on.

   My oldest (the woman) is married and working full time; starting a life with her husband and trying to make it the best possible. She is forever looking for new ways to make more income and improve things in their lives’. She is finishing college which many of us know is no mean feat even without the added pressure of a marriage and a full time job. Yet she pushes forward confident in her abilitity to get it done and optimistic about what her future will look like. She will call with problems and questions and generally work through them on her own with my only contribution being to listen and agree with her. She is facing a difficult climb and yet she is also confident that with the passage of time and some hard work she will finish and her lot in life will improve.

   Three children, all mine and all facing challenges unafraid and ready to do what it takes to be better and have fun. It is amazing what our children can teach us for they are indeed mirrors that show us what we already know. Their strength and courage came from their parents. Their exuberance for life and trying new things comes from examples set by their parents. Their confidence that things will be alright and turn out better than they hoped comes from watching us as adults plow through life’s difficulties, knocking down barriers and persevering no matter how hard the road, how long the journey, how unknown the outcome. We teach them that for a reason. The same reason our parents taught us the same lessons. My new personal mission statement, “It’s life! Quit crying and live it.”,  and watching my children believe me when I tell them all will be well guide me now and assure me that all will be well. I will let them show me how to live and move forward with courage and laughter as I start over, over 50.

Mardis Gras

   Mardis Gras, Fat Tuesday, a time for excess and in some cases base debauchery. Our lives mirror this annual cycle for Christians and enjoyed by nonbelievers if only for the excuse to act boorish. It seems to me, from my limited time on Earth, we go through our lives for periods of time unfocused on any self examination, clamoring for instant gratification and ignoring anything beyond our immediate wants and desires. Self reflection is necessary and we should not wait for some reminder to consider self sacrifice and things bigger than us.

   Every failed relationship of mine has mirrored the progression towards Fat Tuesday and the Lenten season. I rock along unconcerned, focused on the meaningless things, forgetting introspection until I reach the point of Mardis Gras, or Fat Tuesday. That day may represent months for me, but I spend it the same way. Awed by gaudy and glitzy things, intoxicated with my own arrogance and oblivious to the world around me, the needs of others, or that others even exist.

   Eventually Fat Tuesday ends and I am left with an emotional hangover as bad as any alcohol fueled illness. I wake up alone, in the gutter of the world trying to remember what happened. I look around at the remnants of the season before, the litter of hurt feelings, unspoken kind words and deeds, and wallow in the ignorance of the existence of anyone else but me. It is then that a price must be paid, a pound of flesh given. The glitz and flash are gone. The happiness and self indulgence are over and an inventory must be taken.

   So here I am on the Ash Wednesday of my life, penitent, broken and ready to sacrifice anything to show that I am worthy, my life has meaning and I am capable of love, that I am capable and worthy of being loved. I am forced to give up something for Lent, something that I need and is dear to me, but isn’t that the purpose of Lent? To show that we can give up some measure of something important, that we can suffer to show our worthiness and after forty days we can get back to living our lives and receiving grace and love. I enjoyed the party and I am ready for the sacrifice, albeit a forced one, but I am resigned to my fate, I have received the sign of the cross on my forehead and forgiven myself as I start over, over 50.

  

No title needed

   I have not written anything in a long time. Not surprising, at least to me. One of the reasons I started writing about this was to be brutally honest with myself while trying to keep moving forward. It is that honesty that slowed down my production. In retrospect it all seems like so much drivel anyway. The title of this effort is Starting over, over 50, but to be able to start over you have to finish and leave something else behind and that’s where I get hung up.

   They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. I am going to be an emotional Hercules when I get to the other side of this. I grieve today as hard as I did 6 months ago. Mostly I grieve for my children who deserve none of this, yet have to be a part of it forever. For the rest of their lives these times will define and shape much of what they become. I know this because I am the product of one of the millions of broken lives and families dashed upon the rocks like so much flotsam from a wrecked ship of dreams.

   Honesty? I cry the entire way to work nearly every morning and do the same thing for the return trip home. To this day I cannot talk about my children or what once was and what is to be without coming to tears. I choke up and cannot get the words out. Just a glance at an old picture or the random memory that pops into my head can cause crippling grief that takes my breath, stops my heart and brings me to my knees. I am not depressed, but I grieve so strongly that sometimes I am just as debilitated. I was told by a professional that I am likely grieving from a lifetime of loss. Feelings that I once pushed down, drown, or tried to chemically wash from my psyche are now rushing to the surface like a millennia of lava held down by the highest mountain.

    Yet, while I grieve I remain optimistic. I still function, the children seem happy and like I have been told time is serving to ease the pain. No matter how deep the wound scar tissue eventually starts to form. I no longer fight the grief, the sadness or the pain. I embrace it and nurture it and allow it to come forth unabashed and with no shame. It is the truth and I will no longer deny it. After all, right now the truth is all I have as I start over, over 50.

Renewal and Hope

  I have not written anything in a long time. The whole point of this exercise for me was entirely selfish. I had things I needed to sort through and writing about them made me think about them which in turn helped me deal with what I am going through. I know some people think I should be over it already. I have been told to man up, give it time, let it bleed and lots of other valuable advice. I have done all of those things and to some extent all of those helped.

  The title of this blog is Starting Over, Over 50. That is what I have been doing. It was not just my marriage and family that fell apart, my career and my circle of friends dissolved as well. Part of that is my fault as I have done a decent job of withdrawing from the world. One of the things that helped me was obtaining a job in my chosen profession. Another thing that has helped is one of the things that people have been preaching to me since the beginning, and that is the passing of time. Time has made a huge difference. However, it has not changed anything, but rather given me the chance to get a grip on my new life. Things are still the same. I am still divorced, I am still a part time father and I still go to bed alone every night. I have a little more hope now and I can see myself in the future doing better. That was something that was impossible a few months ago. The future held no promise for me as far as I could tell. Now I see that it does.

   Oddly enough it was the holiday season that helped me see some light at the end of the tunnel. During this time of year it is hard to escape the love and joy that Christmas and the other holidays bring. The New Year’s holiday brings a promise of renewal and by its very nature another chance to get it right. The reality is, it is just another day but we have changed it and given it an air of promise of new things to come. I am looking at it as just that.

   Six months ago you could not have convinced that I would be here at this moment, well, happy and encouraged by what the future holds. I know I still have work to do and difficulties to overcome and these last few weeks have given me hope and the belief that I will carry on and I will prevail. My children still love me, and they look forward to their time with me and that is reason enough for me to keep trying to improve. There are more reasons and I will get to them as I pick up where I left off a month ago. I am here and I am well as I start over, over fifty.

Stability

   Life has a strange way of putting us in places that make it seem like more than serendipity is at work. We find ourselves down and out with seemingly nowhere to go and no one left to rely on and the next thing you know you are in a better place with people around you that care or have always cared and you just did not notice. Events happen around you that make you re-think what you may have planned and lead you off into new directions. I have feared change all my life. Stability was all I ever craved and wanted and yet it seems just when I had reached that point something happens to send me reeling off in unknown direction towards an unknown destination.

   I guess stability is all in how you look at things. What may seem stable to me is chaotic to others and sometimes I have known people whom I thought had a stable existence only to find out later their lives were total chaos. I guess it is a perception issue. What we perceive in ourselves and in others is rarely ever the reality. I think it is a human trait to see things as stable and solid when really all around us the universe is in a constant state of flux. Things change in the blink of an eye. Good fortune and misfortune smiles, or craps on all of us sooner or later and usually at times when we are not prepared for either one.

   Right now it appears to me that some sort of stability is returning. I work, I come home, I see the kids, visit family and so far I have reestablished a small circle of friends and most importantly I am doing something worthwhile. While I still grieve for what was I am letting go a little bit at a time and I am realizing that one chapter of my life is over and new one has begun. The problem for me is that I have no idea where this one is going. This time I am alone as I step forward and while it frightens me I am grateful. This time my mistakes will have less of an impact on those around me and most of the things I do have the greatest impact on me and not everyone else.

    I wish had a map, a compass, or some sort of directions that would tell me when to keep forging ahead, when to be cautious, and when to stand still for a minute, but I do not. I have my common sense, a life time of experience, and a trust and love for my fellow man that I think will serve me well. I know I cannot please everybody, and many people may disagree with my choices and direction, but I have to keep living my life now. I will keep doing what I think is right and when I err I will correct it. When I hurt someone I will make amends and when someone needs it I will lend a hand. It is going to be a long journey that much I can see from where I am, but I believe in the end it will all work out the way it is supposed to and I am but a player in the big game of life. However, I am not on the sidelines anymore. I am back in the game…a starter, as I start over, over 50.

Relationships

   Today was a very good day. Not every other day has been particularly bad, it’s just that today was a good one. Even after a sleepless night I felt good and was on top of my game at work. Nothing bad happened and no bad news hit the doorstep. The new normal is starting to fit better and I am concentrating on the things that I need to do. I am rarely dwelling on things that may happen or could’ve been. I hope this trend continues.

   Overcoming personal loss or some big change in your living status is tough. For me it seemed tougher than it should be. I had been comfortable and set for so long I did not even consider the fact that something like this could happen, but it did. I have learned some good things about myself and through introspection I have also learned I have some weaknesses. I have a plan to deal with both. I will overcome the weaknesses, correct them, work on them until they become strengths and I will remember those strengths that carried me through and maintain them, call on them again when I need them.

   One key to the strengths is having close relationships with people around you other than your family. The best and most enduring relationshps are generally family relationships and in my case that is the rule. My family has been a rock for me, although all of them have their own issues to deal with. My relationships with others outside the family circle are the safe harbor I have needed, friends who know you, want nothing from you and will just listen while you wail away about how crappy your life is. These are the relationships we need as well.

   We cannot just withdraw from the world because of some minor setback. We still need to get out there and be amongst fellow humans, for if you asked the first five people you met in one day they could probably share a story of woe worse than yours. My point is we are not alone! All around is a bounty of people who genuinely care. People who may not be able to change your situation, or improve it, but they can certainly make you feel better about it. These are my greatest gifts this season, people. I will be amongst them during the holidays and I will try to give rather than take, as I start over, over 50.

Change

     Black Friday is not an apropos term although I understand its reference is a financial one. This day after Thanksgiving is a bright day for a lot of us. We were able to spend the day enjoying the company of loved ones and good food. I spent the week and the day with my children. It was nice while it lasted and I am very grateful for the time. It is part of the new paradigm in my life as I stumble towards some sense of normalcy and new traditions. It is not just my situation that makes it all so different. Things are changing rapidly all around me. From family to work my life has changed from what it was and that is all part of starting over.

    Adjusting to change is difficult under the best of circumstances. I speak from experience as a child of divorced parents. I remember a lot of resentment and anger, but it was not directed at any individual, but at some nebulous thing that may or may not have caused the change. I still have difficulty with acceptance, but at my age it becomes easier. I still push back against it, try to immediately stop it. I hang on to the past like some secret treasure or Gollum’s ring, but I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to keep doing the right things so I can be prepared for whatever happens. That is what I concentrate on now. Things are not as dark as they seemed, yet I still have this overwhelming sense of impending doom that waxes and wanes with my mood and seems to cling to my psyche with a tenacity that I cannot shake.

   I have learned that our greatest fears are rarely if ever realized and that things never end up as bad as we imagine and I am clinging to that. I know I have not done everything right as I go through this and I am certain I will make some more mistakes as I go along. The toughest part is not the change in my life, it is the change that I have noticed going on all around me. I was so blind before, comfortable in my life and certain of what the future held for me I never noticed my parents growing older, nieces and nephews and even my own children with lives of their own and responsibilities now that they did not have previously. I stayed so wrapped in my own life that I did not notice everything around me changing.

   Now change has been forced upon me. I say that now with my tongue firmly implanted in my check. Hindsight has allowed me to see that the change was coming as certain as high tides in the spring. I am learning to pay more attention to others around me and the circumstances that are sweeping me along like some avalanche of indifference to my readiness to accept it or not. I am hopeful that I can get my footing and be what I need me to be and what others need me to be. Like it or not we are our brothers’ keepers. We do not go through life alone and everything we do has an effect on those around us. Sometimes it’s negligible and other times not so much. I am steadfast in my resolve to come through this to the benefit of not only myself but to everyone around me. I will be successful of that I am certain. There is no other alternative as I start over, over 50.