No title needed

   I have not written anything in a long time. Not surprising, at least to me. One of the reasons I started writing about this was to be brutally honest with myself while trying to keep moving forward. It is that honesty that slowed down my production. In retrospect it all seems like so much drivel anyway. The title of this effort is Starting over, over 50, but to be able to start over you have to finish and leave something else behind and that’s where I get hung up.

   They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. I am going to be an emotional Hercules when I get to the other side of this. I grieve today as hard as I did 6 months ago. Mostly I grieve for my children who deserve none of this, yet have to be a part of it forever. For the rest of their lives these times will define and shape much of what they become. I know this because I am the product of one of the millions of broken lives and families dashed upon the rocks like so much flotsam from a wrecked ship of dreams.

   Honesty? I cry the entire way to work nearly every morning and do the same thing for the return trip home. To this day I cannot talk about my children or what once was and what is to be without coming to tears. I choke up and cannot get the words out. Just a glance at an old picture or the random memory that pops into my head can cause crippling grief that takes my breath, stops my heart and brings me to my knees. I am not depressed, but I grieve so strongly that sometimes I am just as debilitated. I was told by a professional that I am likely grieving from a lifetime of loss. Feelings that I once pushed down, drown, or tried to chemically wash from my psyche are now rushing to the surface like a millennia of lava held down by the highest mountain.

    Yet, while I grieve I remain optimistic. I still function, the children seem happy and like I have been told time is serving to ease the pain. No matter how deep the wound scar tissue eventually starts to form. I no longer fight the grief, the sadness or the pain. I embrace it and nurture it and allow it to come forth unabashed and with no shame. It is the truth and I will no longer deny it. After all, right now the truth is all I have as I start over, over 50.