Renewal and Hope

  I have not written anything in a long time. The whole point of this exercise for me was entirely selfish. I had things I needed to sort through and writing about them made me think about them which in turn helped me deal with what I am going through. I know some people think I should be over it already. I have been told to man up, give it time, let it bleed and lots of other valuable advice. I have done all of those things and to some extent all of those helped.

  The title of this blog is Starting Over, Over 50. That is what I have been doing. It was not just my marriage and family that fell apart, my career and my circle of friends dissolved as well. Part of that is my fault as I have done a decent job of withdrawing from the world. One of the things that helped me was obtaining a job in my chosen profession. Another thing that has helped is one of the things that people have been preaching to me since the beginning, and that is the passing of time. Time has made a huge difference. However, it has not changed anything, but rather given me the chance to get a grip on my new life. Things are still the same. I am still divorced, I am still a part time father and I still go to bed alone every night. I have a little more hope now and I can see myself in the future doing better. That was something that was impossible a few months ago. The future held no promise for me as far as I could tell. Now I see that it does.

   Oddly enough it was the holiday season that helped me see some light at the end of the tunnel. During this time of year it is hard to escape the love and joy that Christmas and the other holidays bring. The New Year’s holiday brings a promise of renewal and by its very nature another chance to get it right. The reality is, it is just another day but we have changed it and given it an air of promise of new things to come. I am looking at it as just that.

   Six months ago you could not have convinced that I would be here at this moment, well, happy and encouraged by what the future holds. I know I still have work to do and difficulties to overcome and these last few weeks have given me hope and the belief that I will carry on and I will prevail. My children still love me, and they look forward to their time with me and that is reason enough for me to keep trying to improve. There are more reasons and I will get to them as I pick up where I left off a month ago. I am here and I am well as I start over, over fifty.

Stability

   Life has a strange way of putting us in places that make it seem like more than serendipity is at work. We find ourselves down and out with seemingly nowhere to go and no one left to rely on and the next thing you know you are in a better place with people around you that care or have always cared and you just did not notice. Events happen around you that make you re-think what you may have planned and lead you off into new directions. I have feared change all my life. Stability was all I ever craved and wanted and yet it seems just when I had reached that point something happens to send me reeling off in unknown direction towards an unknown destination.

   I guess stability is all in how you look at things. What may seem stable to me is chaotic to others and sometimes I have known people whom I thought had a stable existence only to find out later their lives were total chaos. I guess it is a perception issue. What we perceive in ourselves and in others is rarely ever the reality. I think it is a human trait to see things as stable and solid when really all around us the universe is in a constant state of flux. Things change in the blink of an eye. Good fortune and misfortune smiles, or craps on all of us sooner or later and usually at times when we are not prepared for either one.

   Right now it appears to me that some sort of stability is returning. I work, I come home, I see the kids, visit family and so far I have reestablished a small circle of friends and most importantly I am doing something worthwhile. While I still grieve for what was I am letting go a little bit at a time and I am realizing that one chapter of my life is over and new one has begun. The problem for me is that I have no idea where this one is going. This time I am alone as I step forward and while it frightens me I am grateful. This time my mistakes will have less of an impact on those around me and most of the things I do have the greatest impact on me and not everyone else.

    I wish had a map, a compass, or some sort of directions that would tell me when to keep forging ahead, when to be cautious, and when to stand still for a minute, but I do not. I have my common sense, a life time of experience, and a trust and love for my fellow man that I think will serve me well. I know I cannot please everybody, and many people may disagree with my choices and direction, but I have to keep living my life now. I will keep doing what I think is right and when I err I will correct it. When I hurt someone I will make amends and when someone needs it I will lend a hand. It is going to be a long journey that much I can see from where I am, but I believe in the end it will all work out the way it is supposed to and I am but a player in the big game of life. However, I am not on the sidelines anymore. I am back in the game…a starter, as I start over, over 50.

Relationships

   Today was a very good day. Not every other day has been particularly bad, it’s just that today was a good one. Even after a sleepless night I felt good and was on top of my game at work. Nothing bad happened and no bad news hit the doorstep. The new normal is starting to fit better and I am concentrating on the things that I need to do. I am rarely dwelling on things that may happen or could’ve been. I hope this trend continues.

   Overcoming personal loss or some big change in your living status is tough. For me it seemed tougher than it should be. I had been comfortable and set for so long I did not even consider the fact that something like this could happen, but it did. I have learned some good things about myself and through introspection I have also learned I have some weaknesses. I have a plan to deal with both. I will overcome the weaknesses, correct them, work on them until they become strengths and I will remember those strengths that carried me through and maintain them, call on them again when I need them.

   One key to the strengths is having close relationships with people around you other than your family. The best and most enduring relationshps are generally family relationships and in my case that is the rule. My family has been a rock for me, although all of them have their own issues to deal with. My relationships with others outside the family circle are the safe harbor I have needed, friends who know you, want nothing from you and will just listen while you wail away about how crappy your life is. These are the relationships we need as well.

   We cannot just withdraw from the world because of some minor setback. We still need to get out there and be amongst fellow humans, for if you asked the first five people you met in one day they could probably share a story of woe worse than yours. My point is we are not alone! All around is a bounty of people who genuinely care. People who may not be able to change your situation, or improve it, but they can certainly make you feel better about it. These are my greatest gifts this season, people. I will be amongst them during the holidays and I will try to give rather than take, as I start over, over 50.

Change

     Black Friday is not an apropos term although I understand its reference is a financial one. This day after Thanksgiving is a bright day for a lot of us. We were able to spend the day enjoying the company of loved ones and good food. I spent the week and the day with my children. It was nice while it lasted and I am very grateful for the time. It is part of the new paradigm in my life as I stumble towards some sense of normalcy and new traditions. It is not just my situation that makes it all so different. Things are changing rapidly all around me. From family to work my life has changed from what it was and that is all part of starting over.

    Adjusting to change is difficult under the best of circumstances. I speak from experience as a child of divorced parents. I remember a lot of resentment and anger, but it was not directed at any individual, but at some nebulous thing that may or may not have caused the change. I still have difficulty with acceptance, but at my age it becomes easier. I still push back against it, try to immediately stop it. I hang on to the past like some secret treasure or Gollum’s ring, but I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to keep doing the right things so I can be prepared for whatever happens. That is what I concentrate on now. Things are not as dark as they seemed, yet I still have this overwhelming sense of impending doom that waxes and wanes with my mood and seems to cling to my psyche with a tenacity that I cannot shake.

   I have learned that our greatest fears are rarely if ever realized and that things never end up as bad as we imagine and I am clinging to that. I know I have not done everything right as I go through this and I am certain I will make some more mistakes as I go along. The toughest part is not the change in my life, it is the change that I have noticed going on all around me. I was so blind before, comfortable in my life and certain of what the future held for me I never noticed my parents growing older, nieces and nephews and even my own children with lives of their own and responsibilities now that they did not have previously. I stayed so wrapped in my own life that I did not notice everything around me changing.

   Now change has been forced upon me. I say that now with my tongue firmly implanted in my check. Hindsight has allowed me to see that the change was coming as certain as high tides in the spring. I am learning to pay more attention to others around me and the circumstances that are sweeping me along like some avalanche of indifference to my readiness to accept it or not. I am hopeful that I can get my footing and be what I need me to be and what others need me to be. Like it or not we are our brothers’ keepers. We do not go through life alone and everything we do has an effect on those around us. Sometimes it’s negligible and other times not so much. I am steadfast in my resolve to come through this to the benefit of not only myself but to everyone around me. I will be successful of that I am certain. There is no other alternative as I start over, over 50.

Monday

    New traditions are necessary when times change. Our lives are not in a constant state of decay, but rather I would like to think, a constant state of renewal. I think when we get complacent in set routines and the status quo we are setting ourselves up for great disappointment. As much as I have  come to abhor changes they are coming. Children are growing, parents are aging, and the world is transforming at a rapid rate. Information flies at us in real time twenty four hours a day. I believe that the constant state of daily change is what makes us hang to the things that we hope will never change.

   I still relish stability, but the one constant I am sure of is change. Most of it is minor and the vast majority of it rarely affects us in any big way. However, sometimes we cannot escape it and big change comes barreling on to the beach like a rogue waving grabbing things we held dear and snatching them away to the briny depths of time long ago. All we can do is stand on the beach staring at the carnage, gape mouthed and speechless. After a while we grab what remains and trek off home to make sense of what just happened. That is where I am stuck.

   I am back at home, or what is now my home rummaging through the remnants of the tsunami of change trying to make sense of everything. I am trying to piece together what is left and find my new role in the family that is left intact. I wasn’t ready for anything of this although I have long ago admitted I knew it was coming. I guess there is just some stuff you cannot prepare for, only deal with as it happens. I am struggling with that part because part of me just wants to lie down and curl into a fetal position and pretend nothing happened. The man in me wants to face it head on and fix it now! The human in me knows that I have to tread carefully and be mindful of every statement and decision I make.

   I am committed to success, I will not falter. I will continue to try as hard as possible to remember that it is just not me. My role in this is to be the pillar of stability and the source of strength. My current situation is only a minor blip in all that is going on around me and my family. I still have responsibilities as a man, son, and father, to others. I am committed to maintaining that source of strength and steadfastness. I will be strong, and I will continue to have hope as I start over, over 50.

Home

   I love this time of year in the Deep South. We rarely get too cold and then it is usually welcome so we at least get a sense of the seasons passing. Summer has faded into the distance, and winter is soon upon us. For us that means low precipitation, mild days with low humidity and deep blue skies. The evenings are cool and crisp. Occasionally we hit a warm spell in December and the fog settles on the coast like a damp blanket and seems to quiet things down a bit.

   All of the cities are putting up their holiday displays. Lights abound on the major roadways and some radio stations are playing Christmas music twenty-four hours a day. Beautiful weather coupled with beautiful surroundings lift the spirits and it is at this time of year that I always remember why I choose to call this place home. I have lived in numerous houses and what made them homes was my sense of belonging to this geographic location. There are other places that hold a fascination for me, but they do not give me the sense of peace and security that living here does.

   I imagine I will have two or three more addresses other than my current one before I finally find a spot to set anchor. Right now I am sort of traveling along the shoreline of stability dropping anchor here and there, only to pull up after a while and move farther down the beach. The important part is having a destination in mind and mine is very clear. I know exactly where I am going, I have been there before. I’ll recognize it when I see it and run up on the beach, tie off a stern line and call it day. It will be from that point onward for me that I will stay in one place and set deeper roots. This time I won’t be moved as easily.

   Being a vagabond in life has its appeal, but it soon loses its luster as we drift along aimlessly. Nothing motivates me more than being part of a community, a member of a neighborhood and resident in good standing. Until then each residence I keep I will make as much of a home as I can. I will endeavor to make as many good memories as possible and leave with a small amount of regret but not enough to keep me from moving. It’s out there, and I will find it again…home; that special place that fills the void and gives one that peace of mind that only a real home can. I’ll keep a stiff upper lip in the meantime and maintain as much dignity as possible until I finally do get home as I start over, over 50.

Friday

   I had a chat the other day with a wonderful lady that opened my mind a little about why I am struggling so much to get through this and get back to what I consider normal for me. There was a time in my life when impulse ruled me, chaos was the order for the day and I never worried about anything beyond that very moment. As I aged and then remarried, and had children at a late age there was a drastic change. A very positive change, but still a very drastic change in my lifestyle, wants needs and the things I valued. The future became an issue and things took on a different but much more satisfying tone. Needless to say, if you have been following this blog, that all came to a screeching halt about six months ago.

    I value order, schedules, and a certain symmetry in my life. Until recently I have been struggling with the loss of that. That is where this wonderful lady comes in. Besides explaining the grief process to me and explaining to me that what I was feeling was inevitable and natural she pointed out some obvious things that I should have noticed and done something about. The order and symmetry are still there. It’s just all different. The same things still need to get done. The house has to be cleaned, laundry has to get done, I have to eat and take care of myself. There are bills to pay, people to stay in touch with and a job to go to. I still have to take care of my childrend. It’s just all different now. The order did not go away. The same symmetry is still there, all of the same things still occur in my life, except now it is just a little different.

   A little different was an understatement form where I was sitting, but I knew she had a point. I have a schedule, laundry gets done, I eat, I work, I still interact with others it is just different now. For me what happened is the eight hundred pound gorilla that follows me around, to others, it is still me except with a new address and to still others I am just me, they don’t know my past, and are only concerned with the me they know now and just met and in some cases hired.

   I am thankful as we head towards this day of Thanksgiving. I am thankful for all that I have and all that I am gaining. I will mourn the losses, but I have more gratitude lately than regret. It is still tough and some days are still really hard to get through, but I have some confidence and direction now. So if you are struggling with something in your life give voice to it. Talk to someone about it. The worse thing that can happen is someone just listens. However, more often than not good things come from giving voice to our troubles. I did and it works for me so far as I start over, over 50.

Apology

      I owe someone an apology; someone close to me that had a hand in me being who I am today. I owe this person an apology because I have not been at all the man they envisioned, or tried to help me become. He became ill in a hurry and it seems like in the blink of an eye he ended up hospitalized for what turns out to be the rest of his life. I watched the decline and kept thinking to myself that if he just tried harder, if only he did what the doctor said he would be fine. The reality is there is nothing anyone could have done to stop the progression of his disease. The terrible part of this is his body is gone, but his mind is still as sharp as ever.

    In typical fashion I have avoided this issue, buried it, and denied it was the status quo until today. I have been feeling really bad lately. I have been lost in my own miasma of grief, a life in turmoil and all that I do not have, while just a few miles away in a sterile, impersonal room at a VA nursing home lies my mother’s husband. He is a Vietnam veteran, and he was and still is my stepfather. He put a roof over my head, food in my belly and constantly tried to push me to try harder and be better and not settle. I love him, and I do not recall ever telling him that. He loved my mother and her children and did his best to make our lives comfortable and safe. But I digress. I could go on and on about what he has done but the reality is I am not there for him. I have yet to gather the courage to accept the reality of what has happened and what is soon to happen, and in doing that I have not been there for my mother either. I have been there for myself plenty but not for those that need me. I have failed to live up to the expectations I put on myself and what I expect of others all due to my unwillingness to accept things for what they are and do the things that a man should do.

    I am guilty but I will not wallow in this one. This is something I can change and something I can improve. This is not about me but yet in a way it is. I guess what Aristotle said was true. If we do not examine our lives what is the point? I have done a lot of examining and some of what I have uncovered is not pretty and this one of those things. Being afraid of what is and what is to come is a weakness that I cannot afford. I have to keep living and loving those around me that I call family. Time is too short and regret sucks, and cannot be erased, so I will endeavor to be there for people as they need me. I will remember what I have to give and quit holding it back. I will give freely of my love and my time as I start over, over 50.

The litttle things

   How different our lives become as we get older and how different we think about things now than we did in the past. Things that used to bother us greatly now bother us very little and things that never bothered us before get our attention more than they used to. Things that mattered decades ago now mean nothing and the things that we used to ignore now hold greater importance. For me it is most of the little things that matter now. Those things that add to my life, make home seem like a home, and give me comfort when I need it. One thing I recently purchased made a profound difference in my surroundings.

    First you must understand where I live. It is the classic cliché divorcee apartment, one bedroom, one bath and not much else. I left my home of 16 years with very little in the way of furnishings. One of the things I was missing was a dining room table. At first glance one would not think that was such a big deal. After all I am the only one living here so my immediate needs were scant. However, as time goes by and I am getting used to the situation and accepting where I am living these things become more important. With the children staying on a fairly regular basis it started to become an issue. We had been eating at an island sitting on stools in the middle of the kitchen.

   This past Friday I stopped by a used furniture store and picked up a dining room table and 4 chairs. When I picked up the children that afternoon you would have thought it was Christmas when they saw what was in the back of the truck. They could not wait to get to dad’s apartment and set it up. As soon as we got everything inside, and by the way my eight year old daughter insisted on carrying in some chairs, the first thing they did was grab the pledge wipes and spend 30 minutes wiping down every inch. They tested each chair and we turned the whole arrangement around three times before we settled on the perfect spot.

   That is how simple it was. A table and four chairs from a second hand store that turned in to a family dining room table by dinner time that night. I cooked a meal and we all sat at the table and ate supper. We talked about school that week. I teach they learn so the conversation was stimulating. For the first time there was a sense of normalcy at my new home for the three of us. We had a gathering place, not just more furniture, but a place where we could gather as family, give thanks for what we have and enjoy some laughter, food and love. Sometimes it is the small things that have the largest impact. In this case no matter what happens for now we eat together at a table. We greet the day enjoying breakfast as we make plans for the time we have, or just enjoy each other’s company as we wake up. Sometimes it is the smallest things that have the largest impact. I will look for more of these as I start over, over 50.

Another Day

   It’s never a clean break. No matter what each party says about no fault, or not seeking recompense for anything and that the split will be amicable, it rarely is. From the tangle of personal finances to the years of simmering resentment, anger or whatever it was it rarely is a clean break. That is why sometimes it becomes a matter of one step forward and two steps back. Just when you think you have cleared a major hurdle and you can move on and make progress something jumps up and grabs you by throat as if to say not so fast buddy, there is still another pound of flesh to be exacted. I have been losing weight and my pounds of flesh to give are rapidly disappearing.

   Thankfully there are no debtor’s prisons, no stocks to be put in for public ridicule. However, the weight of these things hanging over your head are as strong as any prison cell and walking around with the knowledge of your eminent ruin leaves you thinking everyone knows your business. It’s as if you are wearing some sort failure t-shirt that people look at and shake their heads as they walk by. I am not a failure, a relationship failed. Part of that is my fault, but I am not a failure.

   However, when you have to reach out to others for help when for so many years you were self-reliant it stings. I never realized how fragile things were until they were broken to pieces. Now I have to watch every penny. Now I have to worry more about the future than I did before. If I do not make the right moves now and stay on track I will be in a sad state if I am not careful. This is one of the many hazards of divorce that we know about, but can do nothing to prevent, only ride the wave until it either crashes or delivers us safely to shore.

    I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am not as strong as I once was but I am a survivor and I am hopeful about the future. I am doing all I can to keep my affairs in order and I admit it is not easy. Weighed down by the demise of the marriage, the loss of a permanent place in my children’s home and the sheer loneliness that comes with a night of the peace and quiet that I claimed to always miss, I will continue on and it is truly not as bad as it could be. I know there others who have it harder, suffer more and are without the safety nets I have found. I pray for them regularly and help any who ask as much as I can. One thing I know for certain is I cannot do this alone. I need help, support and encouragement. I need success, accolades and accomplishments as I start over, over 50.

Renewal

   The weather is getting colder and the days are getting shorter. People have been advising me since I started this process that I just had to give it some time and things would get better. This time of year time seems to pass a bit faster. Gone are the long slow days of summer and now begins the short hectic rush through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day and for those of here in the Gulf South, Mardis Gras. There are days off, dinners and family gatherings that give us more time moving around from place to place. Everyone will be trying to maximize, maybe in some cases minimize, the time they spend with family and loved ones.

   This is by far my favorite time of the year, even in the darkest times of my life it seemed after the holidays things always got better. Things are getting better right now, so the holidays hold promise. I love the idea of the season, from giving thanks, to giving love and gratitude, to leaving behind the old and ringing in the new, to the debauchery of Fat Tuesday and closing out with the joy of resurrection. What a truly happy time. The promise of renewal makes these next few months easier to get through. And as much as I hate to admit it, they were right. Time is working towards making things better.  

      Starting over is about renewal. Albeit at my age there is not much being renewed and sometimes there is more just hanging on than anything else. The uniqueness of starting over at this age is the lack of time. Some things are little more urgent now that I am in my 50s than they were when I was 30. That may be a perception issue and when I was in my 30s I probably had a higher chance of checking out due to my lifestyle than I do now. In my 30s it was about the hunt and being out with the boys and living it up being single. In my 50s it is about health insurance, retirement savings and seeing as much of my kids as I can.

     This time, as hard as the blow was, I am recovering faster and stronger and becoming wiser I think. I am not in as big of a rush it seems as I was 25 years ago. Time is passing and sometimes it goes too fast. Time is healing part of me and at the same time putting distance between myself and a past that I was rather fond of. Compared to just 6 months ago my life is vastly different. But it is nice. Things are looking up and moving forward. I am making plans out past next year and two months ago the next day was the unknown. I am back on the bus and my luggage is stowed. I am on my way again. Although I am not sure of the destination I am looking forward to getting there as I start over, over 50.

Light

   The light of day is a good thing. I realized that this morning as I drove to work an hour later than last week due to the time change. My mood was little brighter and I actually enjoyed the ride. There is something about light that makes things seem, well, brighter. The down side is that it gets dark awfully early now. It seems unnatural to go to work in the dark although for a good part of my life the jobs I held usually brought me to work in the dark and brought me home the same way. As a young man the small things were not an issue, and believe me there were plenty of times when I witnessed a beautiful sunset and ten hours later through slightly blearier eyes witnessed a sunrise just as beautiful and my only thought was “what the hell time is it?"

   Today I relish rising early, beginning the day in the bright beam of the Creator’s flashlight I can go forth and see the glory of life all around me. The new sights, sounds and smells that were once insignificant and just part of the landscape are now part of the glory of life. It does not matter what happened at work yesterday, the fears and anxieties that were present the day before have again proven themselves to be a waste time and energy. This is a new day and I am starting it in the full glory of a bright beautiful morning. It is amazing what a little light can do for the soul.

   It is also amazing what a little light can do for the heart. That is why every now and then we need to shine a little light into our hearts. We need to peer in the corners and nooks and crannies to make sure the light of love and truth and the real goodness that surrounds us can fill our hearts with the joy of life and the joys of love. Not receiving love, but offering true unconditional love to those around us, for it is true, you should love your enemies, fear them, keep them at a distance, but love your enemies.

   Hate will darken your heart. Wanting to harm, or taking satisfaction in the ill will brought to another will scar your heart and darken your soul. Every morning I will open my eyes to the light of day and my heart to the light of love for my fellow man. I will offer gratitude for being alive and as best I am capable I will offer love even to those that wish me ill will. I will pray for their happiness and for whatever it is I have done to them to be made right. I will open my heart to the light of love and the glory of each new day as I start over, over 50.

The Tides of Life

   I was thinking about what I needed to purge today, as that is one of the reasons I do this and came to a conclusion that I am hoping will help me recover. I am over 50 years old, that much we know from the title, and I am starting over at a time when I was certain the rest of my life was mapped out pretty well. Someone once told me the best way to make God laugh was to tell him your plans. He must be in stitches right now. No charge Big Guy, this one’s on me. Now I am certain that the only thing certain in life is change, which brings me to the conclusion I reached today.

    We start over every day. Each day we wake up is a fresh beginning. Yesterday’s foibles, gaffs and mistakes are done and cannot be changed. The victories won, battles fought and adulation received are now history. Each day we have to get up and go to it again, trying our best, hoping for the best and sometimes expecting the worse only to realize as we lie down for sleep that night that we made it. We successfully navigated another treacherous day filled with all kinds of danger. Some people wake up one day with the expectation of going home that night and never make it.

    I still start each day with despair and worry and concern for the future only to return home that evening safe and sound with a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and friends and family that still love me. None of the bad things I was expecting happened and I am still alive. Tomorrow brings the promise of a fresh start, the promise of starting over and trying harder. Breathe in, breathe out, sometimes it is that simple. Get up get dressed and put one foot in front of the other and you’ll be surprised out how well things turn out. Do what you know is right and good and I know for certain that you will prevail.

   From now on when I wake up and the despair and pain start I will try to remember to just breathe in, breathe out and put one foot in front of the other. Do what is right and good all day and hope for the best. I will know in my heart that there are some things I cannot control. The ebb and flow of the tides of life are as out of my control as the ebb and flow of the tides in the smallest sea. I just have to drift along with the tide, keep my head above water and breathe in and breathe out as I start over, over 50.

Making Progress

   Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days. I worked hard, made progress in my personal life and while I still hurt it was not so bad. I am settling in to a better rhythm now. I work every day and think about work when I am not there. I see my children every other weekend, and take them to piano lessons every Tuesday afternoon. I visit my mom and dad as often as possible, maybe too much, maybe sometimes not enough. I still spend most of my evenings alone and that is not too bad. I have to distract myself so I do not wonder what the kids are doing and then start missing them and then start…well you know the drill.

   I have dated a few times and at my age it is certainly more challenging than it was 30 years ago. I am not complaining and any unsuccessful dates were entirely my fault. I probably was not ready and was distracted by what was going on and as usual making it all about me. For that I am sorry, because every woman I have dated since this started was nice and probably more than I deserved. This was just all so unexpected and caught me so unawares that I am still reeling from all the changes that have taken place. As challenging as it is I am adjusting well and moving forward. I think.

   The economic challenges have been tough and added a worry that I have not dealt with before. I will endure those and prevail eventually. There are a lot of things I have to deal with now that I never had to think about before and that is a good thing. You know what they say, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, so I am keeping mine occupied. It is my heart, my soul and my spirituality that I worry about the most. I do not want to become cynical about love, jaded in my view of affairs of the heart. I do not want to miss that next chance at a life with someone I love.

  I look at things differently now when comes to deciding who I should cultivate a relationship with; who I should spend what precious little time I have left. Trust me, I am not claiming my number is up, but reality tells me I am looking at 30 more good years at best, probably less. At the same time I am far less quick to judge, less apt to make a snap decision about someone based on first impressions. I know the roads we have all been down and met many of the people that have walked those roads. Hard roads, that fought every step they tried to take and they emerged at their destination, happy content and humble. That is my goal, to reach my destination happy, content, humble and extremely grateful. The road is in front of me and I am moving forward as I start over, over 50.

Wallowing

   Starting over is never easy. New challenges, new horizons, new people and places can make starting over a very exciting experience. I am trying to find all the good in this situation. I look all over for the bright side, and try to spin everything as positive as I possibly can. However, no matter how hard I try sometimes there is nothing about this that says yippee! I do all I can to not dwell on what the future holds, but for some reason, for the first time in my life, I am having a hard time dealing with something.

   I am not complaining and trust me I take many deep breaths and refocus my thoughts but sometimes no matter what I do all I can see is gloom and doom on the horizon. The part that pisses me off is that I know better. I know if I keep trying and do the right thing all will be well and I shall rise from this just as millions of people do every day. I see people every day that I know are facing and have faced harder times than what I am going through. However, sometimes that provides little solace. For like most people I can be self centered and shallow and I want to just wallow in my own little mud puddle of grief.

   Today I am covered in mud. I am wallowing in the uncertainty of a future that I know I have little control over. Things that cannot be changed are bogging me down and things that will never change are breaking my heart. The bad part about all of this is that in my weakness I freeze and do not do all of the things that I need to do to improve not just my physical environment but my spiritual well being. I am having trouble letting go of those things I no longer control and in the process I am having trouble handling those things that I have control over.

   One of the things I have control over is my attitude, my outlook on life, my undying belief in the fact that I will come through this as I have many other trials and tribulations. However, today I can’ see it. Today I am stuck in the mire of guilt, grief, uncertainty and gloom. I will snap out of it soon. I am committed to this process and I refuse to quit trying. That alone should carry me through to the other side as I start over, over 50.

Sundays

Sunday is one of my favorite days. For as long as I can remember Sunday has always been one of the best days of the week. The pace is slow, and during football season when the lawn no longer requires as much attention it becomes a day of distraction and a reason to be a little more sedate. It still is one of my best days of the week, but here lately every other Sunday has a little sting to it. It has a bittersweet air that causes me to reflect a little more than necessary.

   The children go back to their mother today and the house and life we once shared. Now I feel like an outsider in their lives, allowed only the occasional glimpse as they grow and learn and change so fast. I treasure every moment with them and at the same time I am constantly reminded of the change we have to deal with. They are troopers and are trying their best to adapt and put the best spin on this that they can, but no matter how you slice it we are all getting shortchanged. Don’t get me wrong, I am not pointing fingers or trying to lay blame at someone’s feet. There is plenty of that to go around and now it no longer matters.

    All that matters now is the children. All I can do is love them like only a father can and let them know as much as possible that everything will be alright. We will get through this, and we will grow and live and enjoy every second together. But it will never be the same. Holidays now have the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Schedules have to be maximized to enjoy the time together and still maintain contact with the rest of their extended family of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents.

   This is the most difficult part of the whole situation. This is where I struggle the most, and this is the one subject that the mere mention of rips out my heart. This is pain that never goes away, and probably never will. Lost days, hours, minutes and seconds that can never be recovered bring me to my knees crying for relief, forgiveness, and deliverance. I have to be strong and I have to accept this for what it is and do more than I ever imagined letting them know they are loved and that I will always be their father. I have to make them know that everything will be alright and dad will always be here to make things right, to hold them when they need it and hug and kiss them when it will embarrass them the most. They have to know that the only thing that has changed is where I live and they are as much a part of my life as they always have been. I have to convince myself of the same things and as the Bard said “…there’s the rub”. Because for me the pain is endless and that is a wound that will never heal. I will carry it with me everywhere as I start over, over 50.

The Answer

   I once watched a recorded session of a couple going through marriage counseling. They were divorced, yet they were trying either to understand what happened, or get back together. The intriguing part to me, and I still remember it vividly, was when the therapist asked the man what he missed most from the marriage. I was amazed! I was married at the time and the man’s slow response to answering the question got my attention. When he had an answer it had little to do with the woman, his wife, and his lover and had more to do with his life.

   I thought about that question then and thinK about it even more now. When I was married I always asked myself what I would have said. Being comfortable and oblivious to things around me at the time I never gave it much deep thought. Now, things being what they are, I have given it a lot of thought. It is a tough question and I understand why the man took so long to answer. First let me admit that as a gender, when it comes to affairs of the heart, men lose all ability to communicate rationally and effectively. That part I understand. However, I continued to try to answer that question.

    Each time I have broken down and begged God to tell me why I couldn’t be what I was anymore, why was I in this situation, and why was everything I knew and loved now gone, I would stop and try to answer that question, and in trying to answer it I came to a cold realization. There was a reason things happened the way they did and I was part of it. Because in trying to answer that question for myself I froze, just like the man in the recorded session I watched. Never mind what the answer is, the fact that I could not immediately spit out what I knew in my heart is the right answer I had answered for myself all the lamentations and prayers I had thrown heavenward.

    I know now in my heart what I miss most. It turns out most were just things, or as I have mentioned before, routines. Things that defined the man I wanted to be, and hoped people saw me to be, a husband, a father, a leader and teacher; a man of good principle with a fine family and a solid member of the community. Most were mere illusions and there are only two of those that I can honestly claim and they are father and teacher. Maybe for right now that is enough. Maybe for now I do not have to be anything more. Maybe for now I can just be me and hope that is enough as I start over, over 50.

Routine

   Routines, we all have them. No matter how spontaneous we like to think we are most of us have well established routines. The routine adds rhythm to our life, gives meaning to the mundane, and brings order to what otherwise could be a chaotic task. The routine of our lives brings us peace and a sense of purpose. When for whatever reason all of that is upset it can turn our lives in to unmanageable series of events that just wear us down.

   I believe one of the best ways to start over is to reestablish old routines or to establish new ones.  Routine brings us comfort and a sense of normalcy. The routine of waking up the kids and getting them ready for school, cooking dinner for the family, and getting the kids to bed have to be replaced. New routines need to be put in place and all of the shared responsibilities now become your own. As a man some these responsibilities can be quite cumbersome and downright puzzling.

   I am now responsible for my own laundry. Clean Laundry used to magically appear in all the spots I was used to getting clean clothes. Imagine my surprise when all of that ceased. I was puzzled at first, but the fetid moldy pile in the corner of my bedroom told me what the problem was. I figured out the solution and now I have somewhat of a routine for clean laundry. When I run out of clean clothes I wash the dirty ones. But that is just one small example of the myriad details that I now have to attend to that before were split, maybe not fifty-fifty, but divided nonetheless.

   I am focusing on routines now, trying to bring order to my life and bring back a new sense of normalcy. I cannot tell you how many times I have sat in my recliner and thought of all things I no longer have to do. I cannot tell you how many times during my former life I wished I did not have all of those things to do. Funny now how much I miss all the everyday mundane chores and responsibilities that go along with sharing a life with someone. Now I pray for the return of the busy hectic life. I long for the scheduled monotony of a life that revolves around others. Now, all I have to take care of day-to-day is me, and I am doing a poor job of it. I will get a handle on it as I establish new routines, figure out what I forgot to take care of and if my prayers are answered soon I will share those routines with someone again as I start over, over 50.

Keeping it Real

   Part of moving on is letting go of the past. I have written about letting go of the past and the importance of hanging on to certain portions of it. I have mentioned we need windows on the past so we can see where we’ve been and somehow avoid the pitfalls that make parts of the past hard to view. I have been guilty, probably since the beginning of my situation, of playing the victim. As much as I abhor victimhood and blaming others for my situation I have been engaged in that behavior. It is sad really because I thought I was making progress in spite of what someone may have done to me whether real or imagined, when in actuality I was still wallowing in the mire of hate and blame and passive aggressive behavior that serves no purpose other than to satisfy some sick inner need to not be accountable for my actions.

   No one caused this situation. No one set out with malice and premeditation to make my life miserable. Yet for some reason I felt compelled to find blame, point fingers and make accusations that are counterproductive to real growth and engaged in boorish behavior. For that I beg forgiveness from all involved. What happened simply happened and had been coming for a long time whether I wanted to see it or not. I was a part of it and as a part of it I share in the cause. It is over now and that is all that matters. How and why do not matter. There is no going back, only forward and that is why I am writing this, it is all about forward motion. Moving on and starting over and I do not want to start over with hate in my heart and blame on tongue, for if I wanted to see the cause for all of this all I have to do is look inward.

   From this point forward I have taken a personal vow to accept what is and make the best of the situation as possible. Again, I have a good job, benefits and a real career. I have family and friends that truly love me and I do them a disservice if I am not honest about how I got here. I brought myself here. I could have possibly stopped this from happening, but I did not. I am here at the crossroads and I have just dumped a whole pile of blame, anger and resentment in the ditch. I am hoping the cleansing rains of renewal will wash it all away and I am moving on. I vow from this point forward to be cognizant of where I am and how I got here. All I have to do is look in the mirror each day as I start over, over 50.

Filling Voids

    One step at a time sometimes one minute at a time that is the way I go through my days. The good thing is each of the steps and each of the minutes are getting easier. The mornings are the same and for some reason I have yet to be able to change them. I cry all the way to work. I have been told it is therapeutic. Of course the people telling me it is therapeutic hold no degrees in psychology, are not psychiatrist but they do have my best interests at heart. That is one of the positives of what is happening to me. For each person that may enjoy my ill fortune, that may take pleasure in my pain I am finding two more that want to help, want to be sympathetic, or just be there.

   I have a job, a good job in my chosen profession. That is a good start, and it fills a void. There are still voids to fill and some voids may never be filled. For certain the loss of seeing my children every day is a void that will never be filled, but I will adjust and it will work out. Their mother and I agree on the importance of a cordial relationship around the children and a united front with discipline and other issues. I am praying I am mature enough to keep that up. My past history would suggest otherwise. Filling voids and replacing lost relationships is a big part of the starting over process and I am committed to doing that.

   I will love again, of that I am certain and I will marry again, I am certain of that too. We are by nature creatures averse to being alone and not in a close relationship. Close loving relationships with others are good for our health and help heal our shattered psyches as well as our lost souls. My next will be number three and I can honestly say I will love her more than any other. It seems some of us are destined to keep trying until we get it right and I am determined to get it right. We all have love to share and the need to share that love a wonderful thing. I will marry again and for me the sooner the better. You know what they say about falling off the horse. Bad analogy, but it works.

    I have made progress in the last few months. It hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be and I am sure there will be some setbacks and disappointments. I have already experienced some at the expense of others and that bothers me. I have rushed towards others and trampled through their life in matter of days only to realize it was the wrong time, the wrong person, or I was just not suitable. That it is one thing I must remember as I travel down this road. My impact on other people’s lives may not be as minimal as I would like to think. I need to remember others may be traveling the same road I am on and may have been on it longer. As I move forward it will be with a little more caution and care as I start over, over 50.

The Garden of life

   Starting over, requires moving forward and moving forward can sometimes be tedious because of all the baggage we insist on taking with us. Loads of useless regrets, anger and memories that hold no value and sometimes people that do us no good can weigh us down to the point that forward motion is impossible. The thing we have do to is decide what is worth holding on to, what is worth the extra charge at the gate. For me it is regrets, anger, and memories that hold no value.  People I value. More often than not I am so wrong in my assessment of people that I have left many good potential friends by the side of the road only to realize later they would have been nice to have on the journey.

   Now as I take an inventory of what I am carrying I am being more careful. I am loath to pay the extra fees for excess baggage that does nothing but drag me down. I am anxious however to gather people along for the trip. For I have found that I as I focused on career and family I left behind a lot of friends and valuable acquaintances. The best analogy I can come up with for this part of life is it is like a garden.

   The garden of life has to be tended. It has to be watered with compliments, fed with love, and occasionally pruned and weeded with prudence and patience and great care. I am doing that now. My garden was overgrown with weeds and untended for far too long. So now I am a gardener of life. I am planting new seeds for friends unknown, I am weeding the garden of the things that are choking back nourishing life and I am rediscovering those things that I neglected for far too long.

   Starting over now has started to become positive. Don’t get me wrong, it is still difficult and sometimes I look forward and quake with fear at what I am facing and my abilities to succeed. But succeed I must, the alternative is unacceptable. As I have posted before you cannot quit and the road of life is littered with those who gave up, holding pitiful cardboard signs that describe their transgressions and point out their unwillingness to keep living, to keep trying to go on with life no matter what has hit them. I shall not stop, I may falter, I may trip and stumble, but as I was taught by my parents my response to these obstacles define me and you cannot quit. I will persevere as I start over, over 50.

It's Not About Me

   Why is it when we are hurt emotionally we always want the one that hurt us to pay exponentially? Why is it that as adults we have to react as children when we feel slighted, hoping something bad happens to the person who in our mind did grievous harm to our heart and psyche? As a human being and a man, that is something I have wrestled with all my life. For some reason I have felt I would feel better if the person who hurt me, hurt just as bad if not worse. I have realized how childish and boorish this kind of behavior is. How these thoughts can stain your soul and damage your heart and psyche further.

    When I first found myself in the position I am in I wanted my pound of flesh from the perpetrators. I wanted those responsible to pay, I wanted them to hurt and I wanted to be able to see the results of the damage. That was one of the hardest things I had to get over. You see, I was making this whole situation about me. It did not involve anyone else. I assumed I was the only one hurting by this. After all, I had done nothing to deserve what was happening to me. However, the reality is there is more than one side to every story. More than one way to perceive the way things are and we all know perception is reality. I had a role in this. I am not innocent. It took a while to realize and accept that. I own some of the responsibility for where I am today. I cannot blame anyone else. Blame serves no purpose.

   Acceptance, they talk about it in every twelve step program. One has to accept things as they are and the Serenity Prayer speaks to this. I have to learn to accept that it is rarely if ever all about me. Sometimes it is about me and then it usually isn’t that big of a deal. My point being the others involved in my circumstances have their reasons, needs and wants that have nothing to with me. My part in their life is over for the most part. Obviously I no longer have a role to fill. It is with this in mind that I have to remind myself of the needs of others and the small role I may play in lives of those around me and I need to realize when that role has ended.

   I have a place in this world. I have children to raise, a job and profession to maintain. Somewhere out there are more friends to meet and perhaps someone to love again as deeply, or more so that I have ever loved before. That is the beauty part of starting over. The new chapters, the new people that come into our lives and yes, the new love.  We can love again. We are human and as such are wired to be able to love deeply more than once in our lives. I look forward to that and I look forward to it with the new found wisdom and knowledge I have gained starting over, over 50.

The currents of life

   Starting over is a great adventure. Fraught with the all of the pitfalls, success, stumbles, failures and victories that one would expect. However, as time goes forward the stumbles become fewer, the pitfalls easier to see and the victories large and small become more frequent. They say that time heals all wounds. Don’t believe that for a minute. It makes the wound less visible, less raw, but emotional wounds never heal. One thing time does allow us to do is recover, catch our breath and stop and get a view of where we are headed.

   I have not had the luxury of time. It hasn’t healed a single wound, but it has allowed me to get my feet under me, to catch my breath from that body blow I took back in June, to take an inventory of what I have, what I need, and where I may be going, but my need to heal is urgent. My desire to recover strong. I think sometimes the momentum of life just sweeps us along like the rapids of a river during the spring thaw. All we can do is keep our head above the water, look out for the rocks and pray for the current to slow. Every now and then I have spied a pool of calmer water and been unable to get to it, so here I am being swept along by the swift currents of change praying that I do not hit any more rocks.

   The good part about the swift current of life that is sweeping me along right now is that I am a little better prepared. I have the experience of having been down this road before. Don’t be deceived, I am making mistakes. I have stumbled, taken wrong turns, squandered a few good opportunities and trampled through a few innocent people’s life in this short span of time. But I believe that is how life goes. As we are swept along we can look back and see the dangers we have missed, the rocks we could have avoided and maybe even a safe place to exit where we should have stopped for a break.

   Right now I do not have the luxury of time. Right now time seems to be my enemy. I am aging and I see it every morning in the face that looks back at me in the mirror. A little more haggard, a little older and sometimes I do not recognize it at all. However, I am upright and on the green side of the ground. As I am being swept along by the currents of change I see familiar faces along the bank some cheering me on, others offering a hand, a branch, or the occasional toss of the life ring. I have yet to grab any of these life savers. The current is still too swift and I am still a little tired. But up ahead, just around the bend I see a calm spot in the river, just out of sight and almost out of reach, but it is there. When I get to it I will float to the bank, grab the hand of the one standing by to help and take my place on the bank, standing and watching for another hapless soul caught up in the currents of change, starting over, over 50.

Grateful

    Today’s word is grateful. It is a wonderful word and I have thought about it a lot lately. I have not been grateful. I have wallowed in the mire of my grief, sometimes relishing the raw pain of my wounded heart and psyche. Until one day my youngest daughter explained it to me in simple terms. It was a classic out of the mouths of babes moment. First I have to admit that in front of the children I have let the wayward tear slide down my check as I pondered the future and the seeming unfairness of not being able to have them with me all the time. My youngest daughter is an astute observer of my moods. Like any woman she is an empath and can sense the slightest change in my mood. Well, apparently the other day she sensed something and out the blue explained to me how much I had to be grateful for. She said, “Dad you have everything you need. You have an apartment that is nice you have a job and food in the refrigerator and most of all you have us.” Out of the mouths of babes.

   I am grateful. The more I think about it I am not grateful enough. I have more than I realize. I need less than I imagine I do. Don’t get me wrong, the pain is still raw and the wound still fresh, but it will heal. I have all that I need at the moment. Friends, family, a fantastic new job and children that even in this difficult time can forget their fears, trepidations, and wonder about the future to console their father. I am humbled (there’s that “H” word again) beyond belief and I am grateful.

   As I start tomorrow with all that I have I will take an inventory and I will remember what my daughter, who is only 8 years old, told me. I have everything. I will endeavor to be grateful on a daily basis. When again I find myself in the pit of despair I will try to remember that moment, her words and the honest true love they conveyed. That will be my lifeline, my ladder if you will and I will climb up out of that pit and reach up and hold that memory. For the rest of my life it will remain indelibly etched in my heart. I have everything I need, and I am eternally grateful for all of it and the young child that found the words and the love to remind her father.

New Beginnings

   New beginnings are all around us. Sometimes we just have to see them. We probably miss more than we catch, but they are out there. That is the beauty of life. We keep on living, putting one foot in front of the other and eventually we will find our way out the darkest of holes. Speaking of which, I have never forgotten what one of my college professors told me. He said the first rule of holes is, when you find yourself in one…put down the shovel! I live by that rule and I believe that is one of the reasons this hole has not been as deep or as hard to get out of.

   I have found myself in some dark places in my life, this one being one of the darkest. However, one of the advantages of starting over, over 50 is the years of accumulated knowledge and experience help one to overcome some of the obstacles. As a young man I would have been far more reactive than proactive in this situation, I know because this is not the first time I have been down this road. The first time I went to some dark places. I was reactive and not proactive, and blamed everything and everyone but myself. The odd thing was that back then I had a larger support group than I have now and yet it still took me a decade to snap out of it and emerge from the darkness.

  Don’t get me wrong, the pain seems worse this time than before, the situation is much harder to accept, yet I have not gone to those same dark places I visited before. I have, for the most part kept my wits about me. I have done positive things that move me forward and provide opportunity. One opportunity starts tomorrow. I have secured a good teaching job in a great school district with a decent salary and benefits. It takes some of the sting out of what I lost; belonging to an organization with people that share some commonality helps keep me up-beat and positive.

   I still have a long way to go. I miss my former life terribly, and the sting of someone you once worshipped and loved so much no longer reciprocating those feelings is as raw and painful as it was when I first heard it was over. However, I have taken what I think is a big step in the right direction and hopefully being back to work in a profession I love so much will help heal the wounds. Suddenly with just one small victory, one step in a forward direction there is some light on the horizon. I am cautiously optimistic and at the same time a little cynical. I know now for certain that in the blink of an eye it can all disappear again and I will find myself once more starting over. But I also know another thing for certain…I can handle it.

Fear

I have pondered lately why I have been so fearful, or worried, or maybe even anxious about starting over at my age. Why has it caused me so much pain, fervent prayers for help, and bouts of grief that bring my six foot four inch 260lb frame to its knees? Why do I cry out to God for deliverance from this pain and fear? Today I realized it was the uncertainty. The not knowing how my children are and what they are doing every minute, what if I got sick or injured (I lost my health insurance as a result of the divorce) where was my next paycheck coming from and would I be able to pay my bills? All of these thoughts and more consumed me and some days paralyzed me. I have slowly come to the realization that these were legitimate concerns, but also issues I could deal with. I have dealt with worse, with fewer resources than I currently possess.

   I can call my ex-wife at any time to check on the kids, hell they call me every day, sometimes twice a day. I can see them anytime I want and regularly get them for weekend visits. Scratch one fear off the list. What if I did get sick or injured? I would go to the hospital or doctor and get treatment. The bill would be the bill, not as important as my health. I am reminded of an acquaintance from high school that delayed going to the doctor because she had no health insurance. She died some months later of breast cancer. If I get sick or hurt I will seek treatment and deal with the bill as it comes, at least I will be alive. As for the next paycheck, I am a college educated, licensed and certified teacher with more than one endorsement on my license. Certainly, sooner or later I can find work and right now it appears I may have. Scratch another one off the list.

   The point in all this is I succumbed to man’s worse enemy, fear. Fear brought on by uncertainty, has stopped many people cold and left them unable to succeed. But life is full of uncertainties, I may drop dead tomorrow and this all becomes moot. I will not deny my fears, but rather as we are all taught I will face them head on. Acknowledging their existence but refusing to let them stop me from achieving my goals. I have before, and I can do it again. Looking back on my life I have always done just that, acknowledged them, but pressed forward thereby conquering them whether I was successful or not. Starting over, over 50 is a daunting task, but hardly impossible. There is not a thing I can think of that should prevent me from being successful. So I go forth, afraid, uncertain, but sure in the knowledge that it is what I must do. To start over, at some point I have to get started. So I have started, I have a good opportunity for a job in a good school system that will eliminate about 75% of things that have me worried. Am I afraid, yes I am? Will it stop me from moving forward and achieving my goals? Never.

 Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie

You Cannot Quit

   Starting over is difficult. It would be easy to wallow in the mire of grief, but I cannot. One thing I learned from my parents and I tell my little ones all the time (my oldest seems to already know this) is that you cannot quit. Life goes on and while you are still alive you cannot quit. But it is more than just not quitting it is carrying on as you always have. You have to keep striving to do your best, to be the best and not settle. I have always wanted to do just that, but it is difficult when you think you are alone.

   When I found myself in this position some 5 months ago I was frozen by grief and disbelief and I succumbed to that state that stops so many cold in their tracks and makes them unable to move forward. I was a victim, it wasn’t my fault, someone else caused this and I do not deserve it. There were days when all I could do was sob uncontrollably; driving down the road trying to see through the veil of tears, begging God to stop the pain, to bring back everything that I held so dear yet squandered so easily. I was certain I had no part in the demise of my former life and why for God’s sake was this happening to me? I still have those moments, although not nearly as often and now I think the tears and grief are about something else entirely.

   I am starting over and I am over 50. That is a fact I cannot escape. However, it is not as daunting as I first imagined. So far I am still alive, my children still love me and I get to see them regularly, not as often as I would like, but regularly. When they leave I cry, but I imagine one day that will stop. The crying may stop but not the pain. Part time dad is like a part time job, it is better than nothing, but it can’t pay the bills.

    So here I stand at the crossroads, waiting, hoping, certain that at some point this will all seem like a bad dream and I will look back at it as just another chapter, another phase and a part of the growth process, painful, yet inescapable. I will know once again that there is not much that life can throw at us that we cannot overcome. As the title states I am starting over, over 50. Tomorrow I will find out if another chapter has begun. I may have a job, as a teacher, in a public school, something I have hoped for and worked to achieve.  The restoration process may be beginning. It is up to me how things turn out and if it is not to be I will not quit, but continue to move forward, starting over, over 50.

That last breath

   I received a comment on a blog post that contained what the writer called cliches that ring true. And they do ring true. Sometimes cliches help us get perspective on things, and truly most cliches do have a good bit of truth in them. One of the cliches was, "When one door closes another door opens". I guess that is true. When it seems that doors have closed on chapters of our lives other doors open to new beginnings and experiences for us. That is true if we keep moving forward. New doors have to open or what else is there? However, as I look back on my life and recent events I do not see closed doors, nor do I want to imagine that those doors ever close. If we can't look back and see through these doors then what was the point of all that we have lived?
   I have learned in my short time and limited experience that one should never close doors on the past, burn bridges that we have crossed, or erase memories of those people and events that helped put us where we are. Rather, they should be windows on the past that we can look through from time to time to see the good and the bad, the mistakes and the victories. We are all fallible and guilty of sins of omission and commission that make us wince as we view them through the windows of the past. Like The Chairman of the Board sang, "regrets, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention". When you sit down and think about it, it is true for all of us.
   Think about it for a minute and look back on your past. How much would you truly change? How much do you really regret? For certain, on the micro level, we can come up with a million little regrets. The anger at a driver on the way to work as we honked and gave them the secret sign, the harsh, or cross words when impatient we snapped at a loved one when all they wanted, or needed was a smile, a touch, an acknowledgement of their importance in your life. But how much should you regret? Every action on your part was another step on the path that brought you to a new and more often than not, better place.
   We cannot change the past, we can only learn from it. We can certainly have some influence on the future, but as my last post suggested hubris can sneak up and influence it in ways we never intended. So I will not look back on my past as closed doors, but rather as windows to my life that I can peer through and learn from. From this point forward I will look to the future with hope and back at the past with happiness. For if you are still on the green side of the ground you really have nothing to be remorseful about. You have been given the precious gift of another day, another opprtunity to improve the lives of others and enhance your own life.
   I have no regrets. I have made mistakes, but I am only human and I cannot take them back, I can only learn from them and attempt to keep from repeating them. It is Friday night and I am seeing it in a new light. Not through rose colored glasses, but certain in the knowledge that I will make mistakes again, I will hurt someone without meaning to, be angry about petty issues, and forget sometimes to tell those around me how much they matter to me. I will endeavour to improve on that, and not make the mistakes as often, but I am certain I will make them. Again I am human. I will not beat myself  up about it, and when I am on my deathbed drawing that last precious breath I pray that I will have learned not to regret, but to remember.
  

Words that begin with "H"

    As promised, my point here is to explore the starting over process at this age and to try and figure out why I have to start over. As Aristotle said "an unexamined life is not worth living". With that in mind I have done some serious examination and for some reason the word hubris keeps coming to mind. The word is an apropos description of one of the reasons I am in the position I am in today. I looked it up, although I knew the meaning,  (again more hubris) and found the following; hubris means extreme haughtiness, or arrogance, hubris often indicates a loss of contact with the way things really are and an overestimation of one's own competence or capabilities. The definition is longer and I am paraphrasing, but I believe that gets my point across.
    Hubris is a disease as sure as any viral, or bacterial malady that affects us. I was and probably still am at times, afflicted with this malady. I strive to rid myself of this dreaded malady, but every time something good comes into my life I want to claim the credit and say to the world, "look, look at me and what I have done". Not to say that it is a bad thing to recognize one's accomplishments, or be proud of what one has, but I believe that it is better to let your actions speak for themselves without all of the fanfare. I became so wrapped up in what I had, a good job, a beautiful family, and a great circle of friends, that I forgot the maintenance part. Love and family, and true friendship have to be fed and nurtured, valued and treasured. I become wrapped up in me and what I had accomplished and the things people were telling me. I forgot how to take praise and forgot the most important word that starts with the letter "h", humility.
    So now I have made myself a vow and will dedicate myself to that word, humility, being humble. I realize now that no matter what I think I have accomplished, or what I think I have, I am not solely responsible for my success. There are friends and family that allowed these things to come to be. That fed me and nurtured me and lauded my efforts, but at the same time did not care about my success, just my happiness. It is those around us that we need to remember and celebrate. By being proud of their accomplishments and their victories we can shine the light on our own without suffering from hubris. I know now that in the blink of an eye it can all go away and we can be left standing in the middle of a road leading no where wondering how we got kicked off the bus.
   I am in the middle of that road now, suitcase in hand, looking in both directions waiting for that bus to come back around. However, it may be a while before it gets back...there is some maintenance yet to be finished before it can take me further. Until then I shall ponder the things that brought me to this intersection and hope that when the bus comes back by I can get my humble butt back on and enjoy the ride, humble and happy with who I am. 

It's Never Too Late

     First I have to admit I am a little cautious, having never let my thoughts hang out in the ethereal wind of the www makes me a bit nervous. I have always been cautious about social media and all my life I was taught my business is my business. However, in an effort to make sense of where I am and where I am going I am taking a stab at the cathartic process of baring my soul if you will, in an effort to help me make sense of what happened, and what is happening and maybe to help others in the same predicament. I cannot be the only one who for whatever reason has found themselves suddenly and without warning, at least a warning I recognized, without a job, outside of the warmth of the family unit, at an age when most men and women are looking towards enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of labor and searching.
   I was married a little later in life and have three beautiful little children ages 5 and 8 one that is 27 from a previous marriage. I had a home, a career that seemed safe and opportunities were presented to me that made it appear I could write my ticket to whatever heights I wanted to reach. In a matter of 2 months, I call it the "Summer Massacre of 2011" I lost all that I had, or rather I let it all slip away. I stood there flatfooted as divorce charged down the tracks and left me in the classic one bedroom apartment of the divorcee, without the woman I had loved for 16 years and becoming a "part-time" dad. It's the classic cliche now. We've all seen it, many of us have lived it more than once. So starting today I am going to make an effort to chronicle my return to life for lack of a better phrase. I have always defined myself by my job and my place as a husband and father. I am still a father, again "part-time" it seems, and no longer a husband.
   In the coming months I hope through this I can make some sense out of what happened and my role in it and document my return, or my rebirth, if you will and find my way back to being part of something. I welcome comments, suggestions and criticisms. I realize I had a role in all that has happened and now I have the lead role in anything else that comes my way. So at the age of almost 53 I start a new journey towards new beginnings and hopefully a sense of accomplishment and fulfillment.