You Cannot Quit

   Starting over is difficult. It would be easy to wallow in the mire of grief, but I cannot. One thing I learned from my parents and I tell my little ones all the time (my oldest seems to already know this) is that you cannot quit. Life goes on and while you are still alive you cannot quit. But it is more than just not quitting it is carrying on as you always have. You have to keep striving to do your best, to be the best and not settle. I have always wanted to do just that, but it is difficult when you think you are alone.

   When I found myself in this position some 5 months ago I was frozen by grief and disbelief and I succumbed to that state that stops so many cold in their tracks and makes them unable to move forward. I was a victim, it wasn’t my fault, someone else caused this and I do not deserve it. There were days when all I could do was sob uncontrollably; driving down the road trying to see through the veil of tears, begging God to stop the pain, to bring back everything that I held so dear yet squandered so easily. I was certain I had no part in the demise of my former life and why for God’s sake was this happening to me? I still have those moments, although not nearly as often and now I think the tears and grief are about something else entirely.

   I am starting over and I am over 50. That is a fact I cannot escape. However, it is not as daunting as I first imagined. So far I am still alive, my children still love me and I get to see them regularly, not as often as I would like, but regularly. When they leave I cry, but I imagine one day that will stop. The crying may stop but not the pain. Part time dad is like a part time job, it is better than nothing, but it can’t pay the bills.

    So here I stand at the crossroads, waiting, hoping, certain that at some point this will all seem like a bad dream and I will look back at it as just another chapter, another phase and a part of the growth process, painful, yet inescapable. I will know once again that there is not much that life can throw at us that we cannot overcome. As the title states I am starting over, over 50. Tomorrow I will find out if another chapter has begun. I may have a job, as a teacher, in a public school, something I have hoped for and worked to achieve.  The restoration process may be beginning. It is up to me how things turn out and if it is not to be I will not quit, but continue to move forward, starting over, over 50.