Stability

   Life has a strange way of putting us in places that make it seem like more than serendipity is at work. We find ourselves down and out with seemingly nowhere to go and no one left to rely on and the next thing you know you are in a better place with people around you that care or have always cared and you just did not notice. Events happen around you that make you re-think what you may have planned and lead you off into new directions. I have feared change all my life. Stability was all I ever craved and wanted and yet it seems just when I had reached that point something happens to send me reeling off in unknown direction towards an unknown destination.

   I guess stability is all in how you look at things. What may seem stable to me is chaotic to others and sometimes I have known people whom I thought had a stable existence only to find out later their lives were total chaos. I guess it is a perception issue. What we perceive in ourselves and in others is rarely ever the reality. I think it is a human trait to see things as stable and solid when really all around us the universe is in a constant state of flux. Things change in the blink of an eye. Good fortune and misfortune smiles, or craps on all of us sooner or later and usually at times when we are not prepared for either one.

   Right now it appears to me that some sort of stability is returning. I work, I come home, I see the kids, visit family and so far I have reestablished a small circle of friends and most importantly I am doing something worthwhile. While I still grieve for what was I am letting go a little bit at a time and I am realizing that one chapter of my life is over and new one has begun. The problem for me is that I have no idea where this one is going. This time I am alone as I step forward and while it frightens me I am grateful. This time my mistakes will have less of an impact on those around me and most of the things I do have the greatest impact on me and not everyone else.

    I wish had a map, a compass, or some sort of directions that would tell me when to keep forging ahead, when to be cautious, and when to stand still for a minute, but I do not. I have my common sense, a life time of experience, and a trust and love for my fellow man that I think will serve me well. I know I cannot please everybody, and many people may disagree with my choices and direction, but I have to keep living my life now. I will keep doing what I think is right and when I err I will correct it. When I hurt someone I will make amends and when someone needs it I will lend a hand. It is going to be a long journey that much I can see from where I am, but I believe in the end it will all work out the way it is supposed to and I am but a player in the big game of life. However, I am not on the sidelines anymore. I am back in the game…a starter, as I start over, over 50.

Relationships

   Today was a very good day. Not every other day has been particularly bad, it’s just that today was a good one. Even after a sleepless night I felt good and was on top of my game at work. Nothing bad happened and no bad news hit the doorstep. The new normal is starting to fit better and I am concentrating on the things that I need to do. I am rarely dwelling on things that may happen or could’ve been. I hope this trend continues.

   Overcoming personal loss or some big change in your living status is tough. For me it seemed tougher than it should be. I had been comfortable and set for so long I did not even consider the fact that something like this could happen, but it did. I have learned some good things about myself and through introspection I have also learned I have some weaknesses. I have a plan to deal with both. I will overcome the weaknesses, correct them, work on them until they become strengths and I will remember those strengths that carried me through and maintain them, call on them again when I need them.

   One key to the strengths is having close relationships with people around you other than your family. The best and most enduring relationshps are generally family relationships and in my case that is the rule. My family has been a rock for me, although all of them have their own issues to deal with. My relationships with others outside the family circle are the safe harbor I have needed, friends who know you, want nothing from you and will just listen while you wail away about how crappy your life is. These are the relationships we need as well.

   We cannot just withdraw from the world because of some minor setback. We still need to get out there and be amongst fellow humans, for if you asked the first five people you met in one day they could probably share a story of woe worse than yours. My point is we are not alone! All around is a bounty of people who genuinely care. People who may not be able to change your situation, or improve it, but they can certainly make you feel better about it. These are my greatest gifts this season, people. I will be amongst them during the holidays and I will try to give rather than take, as I start over, over 50.

Change

     Black Friday is not an apropos term although I understand its reference is a financial one. This day after Thanksgiving is a bright day for a lot of us. We were able to spend the day enjoying the company of loved ones and good food. I spent the week and the day with my children. It was nice while it lasted and I am very grateful for the time. It is part of the new paradigm in my life as I stumble towards some sense of normalcy and new traditions. It is not just my situation that makes it all so different. Things are changing rapidly all around me. From family to work my life has changed from what it was and that is all part of starting over.

    Adjusting to change is difficult under the best of circumstances. I speak from experience as a child of divorced parents. I remember a lot of resentment and anger, but it was not directed at any individual, but at some nebulous thing that may or may not have caused the change. I still have difficulty with acceptance, but at my age it becomes easier. I still push back against it, try to immediately stop it. I hang on to the past like some secret treasure or Gollum’s ring, but I know there is nothing I can do to stop it. I need to keep doing the right things so I can be prepared for whatever happens. That is what I concentrate on now. Things are not as dark as they seemed, yet I still have this overwhelming sense of impending doom that waxes and wanes with my mood and seems to cling to my psyche with a tenacity that I cannot shake.

   I have learned that our greatest fears are rarely if ever realized and that things never end up as bad as we imagine and I am clinging to that. I know I have not done everything right as I go through this and I am certain I will make some more mistakes as I go along. The toughest part is not the change in my life, it is the change that I have noticed going on all around me. I was so blind before, comfortable in my life and certain of what the future held for me I never noticed my parents growing older, nieces and nephews and even my own children with lives of their own and responsibilities now that they did not have previously. I stayed so wrapped in my own life that I did not notice everything around me changing.

   Now change has been forced upon me. I say that now with my tongue firmly implanted in my check. Hindsight has allowed me to see that the change was coming as certain as high tides in the spring. I am learning to pay more attention to others around me and the circumstances that are sweeping me along like some avalanche of indifference to my readiness to accept it or not. I am hopeful that I can get my footing and be what I need me to be and what others need me to be. Like it or not we are our brothers’ keepers. We do not go through life alone and everything we do has an effect on those around us. Sometimes it’s negligible and other times not so much. I am steadfast in my resolve to come through this to the benefit of not only myself but to everyone around me. I will be successful of that I am certain. There is no other alternative as I start over, over 50.

Monday

    New traditions are necessary when times change. Our lives are not in a constant state of decay, but rather I would like to think, a constant state of renewal. I think when we get complacent in set routines and the status quo we are setting ourselves up for great disappointment. As much as I have  come to abhor changes they are coming. Children are growing, parents are aging, and the world is transforming at a rapid rate. Information flies at us in real time twenty four hours a day. I believe that the constant state of daily change is what makes us hang to the things that we hope will never change.

   I still relish stability, but the one constant I am sure of is change. Most of it is minor and the vast majority of it rarely affects us in any big way. However, sometimes we cannot escape it and big change comes barreling on to the beach like a rogue waving grabbing things we held dear and snatching them away to the briny depths of time long ago. All we can do is stand on the beach staring at the carnage, gape mouthed and speechless. After a while we grab what remains and trek off home to make sense of what just happened. That is where I am stuck.

   I am back at home, or what is now my home rummaging through the remnants of the tsunami of change trying to make sense of everything. I am trying to piece together what is left and find my new role in the family that is left intact. I wasn’t ready for anything of this although I have long ago admitted I knew it was coming. I guess there is just some stuff you cannot prepare for, only deal with as it happens. I am struggling with that part because part of me just wants to lie down and curl into a fetal position and pretend nothing happened. The man in me wants to face it head on and fix it now! The human in me knows that I have to tread carefully and be mindful of every statement and decision I make.

   I am committed to success, I will not falter. I will continue to try as hard as possible to remember that it is just not me. My role in this is to be the pillar of stability and the source of strength. My current situation is only a minor blip in all that is going on around me and my family. I still have responsibilities as a man, son, and father, to others. I am committed to maintaining that source of strength and steadfastness. I will be strong, and I will continue to have hope as I start over, over 50.

Home

   I love this time of year in the Deep South. We rarely get too cold and then it is usually welcome so we at least get a sense of the seasons passing. Summer has faded into the distance, and winter is soon upon us. For us that means low precipitation, mild days with low humidity and deep blue skies. The evenings are cool and crisp. Occasionally we hit a warm spell in December and the fog settles on the coast like a damp blanket and seems to quiet things down a bit.

   All of the cities are putting up their holiday displays. Lights abound on the major roadways and some radio stations are playing Christmas music twenty-four hours a day. Beautiful weather coupled with beautiful surroundings lift the spirits and it is at this time of year that I always remember why I choose to call this place home. I have lived in numerous houses and what made them homes was my sense of belonging to this geographic location. There are other places that hold a fascination for me, but they do not give me the sense of peace and security that living here does.

   I imagine I will have two or three more addresses other than my current one before I finally find a spot to set anchor. Right now I am sort of traveling along the shoreline of stability dropping anchor here and there, only to pull up after a while and move farther down the beach. The important part is having a destination in mind and mine is very clear. I know exactly where I am going, I have been there before. I’ll recognize it when I see it and run up on the beach, tie off a stern line and call it day. It will be from that point onward for me that I will stay in one place and set deeper roots. This time I won’t be moved as easily.

   Being a vagabond in life has its appeal, but it soon loses its luster as we drift along aimlessly. Nothing motivates me more than being part of a community, a member of a neighborhood and resident in good standing. Until then each residence I keep I will make as much of a home as I can. I will endeavor to make as many good memories as possible and leave with a small amount of regret but not enough to keep me from moving. It’s out there, and I will find it again…home; that special place that fills the void and gives one that peace of mind that only a real home can. I’ll keep a stiff upper lip in the meantime and maintain as much dignity as possible until I finally do get home as I start over, over 50.

Friday

   I had a chat the other day with a wonderful lady that opened my mind a little about why I am struggling so much to get through this and get back to what I consider normal for me. There was a time in my life when impulse ruled me, chaos was the order for the day and I never worried about anything beyond that very moment. As I aged and then remarried, and had children at a late age there was a drastic change. A very positive change, but still a very drastic change in my lifestyle, wants needs and the things I valued. The future became an issue and things took on a different but much more satisfying tone. Needless to say, if you have been following this blog, that all came to a screeching halt about six months ago.

    I value order, schedules, and a certain symmetry in my life. Until recently I have been struggling with the loss of that. That is where this wonderful lady comes in. Besides explaining the grief process to me and explaining to me that what I was feeling was inevitable and natural she pointed out some obvious things that I should have noticed and done something about. The order and symmetry are still there. It’s just all different. The same things still need to get done. The house has to be cleaned, laundry has to get done, I have to eat and take care of myself. There are bills to pay, people to stay in touch with and a job to go to. I still have to take care of my childrend. It’s just all different now. The order did not go away. The same symmetry is still there, all of the same things still occur in my life, except now it is just a little different.

   A little different was an understatement form where I was sitting, but I knew she had a point. I have a schedule, laundry gets done, I eat, I work, I still interact with others it is just different now. For me what happened is the eight hundred pound gorilla that follows me around, to others, it is still me except with a new address and to still others I am just me, they don’t know my past, and are only concerned with the me they know now and just met and in some cases hired.

   I am thankful as we head towards this day of Thanksgiving. I am thankful for all that I have and all that I am gaining. I will mourn the losses, but I have more gratitude lately than regret. It is still tough and some days are still really hard to get through, but I have some confidence and direction now. So if you are struggling with something in your life give voice to it. Talk to someone about it. The worse thing that can happen is someone just listens. However, more often than not good things come from giving voice to our troubles. I did and it works for me so far as I start over, over 50.

Apology

      I owe someone an apology; someone close to me that had a hand in me being who I am today. I owe this person an apology because I have not been at all the man they envisioned, or tried to help me become. He became ill in a hurry and it seems like in the blink of an eye he ended up hospitalized for what turns out to be the rest of his life. I watched the decline and kept thinking to myself that if he just tried harder, if only he did what the doctor said he would be fine. The reality is there is nothing anyone could have done to stop the progression of his disease. The terrible part of this is his body is gone, but his mind is still as sharp as ever.

    In typical fashion I have avoided this issue, buried it, and denied it was the status quo until today. I have been feeling really bad lately. I have been lost in my own miasma of grief, a life in turmoil and all that I do not have, while just a few miles away in a sterile, impersonal room at a VA nursing home lies my mother’s husband. He is a Vietnam veteran, and he was and still is my stepfather. He put a roof over my head, food in my belly and constantly tried to push me to try harder and be better and not settle. I love him, and I do not recall ever telling him that. He loved my mother and her children and did his best to make our lives comfortable and safe. But I digress. I could go on and on about what he has done but the reality is I am not there for him. I have yet to gather the courage to accept the reality of what has happened and what is soon to happen, and in doing that I have not been there for my mother either. I have been there for myself plenty but not for those that need me. I have failed to live up to the expectations I put on myself and what I expect of others all due to my unwillingness to accept things for what they are and do the things that a man should do.

    I am guilty but I will not wallow in this one. This is something I can change and something I can improve. This is not about me but yet in a way it is. I guess what Aristotle said was true. If we do not examine our lives what is the point? I have done a lot of examining and some of what I have uncovered is not pretty and this one of those things. Being afraid of what is and what is to come is a weakness that I cannot afford. I have to keep living and loving those around me that I call family. Time is too short and regret sucks, and cannot be erased, so I will endeavor to be there for people as they need me. I will remember what I have to give and quit holding it back. I will give freely of my love and my time as I start over, over 50.

The litttle things

   How different our lives become as we get older and how different we think about things now than we did in the past. Things that used to bother us greatly now bother us very little and things that never bothered us before get our attention more than they used to. Things that mattered decades ago now mean nothing and the things that we used to ignore now hold greater importance. For me it is most of the little things that matter now. Those things that add to my life, make home seem like a home, and give me comfort when I need it. One thing I recently purchased made a profound difference in my surroundings.

    First you must understand where I live. It is the classic cliché divorcee apartment, one bedroom, one bath and not much else. I left my home of 16 years with very little in the way of furnishings. One of the things I was missing was a dining room table. At first glance one would not think that was such a big deal. After all I am the only one living here so my immediate needs were scant. However, as time goes by and I am getting used to the situation and accepting where I am living these things become more important. With the children staying on a fairly regular basis it started to become an issue. We had been eating at an island sitting on stools in the middle of the kitchen.

   This past Friday I stopped by a used furniture store and picked up a dining room table and 4 chairs. When I picked up the children that afternoon you would have thought it was Christmas when they saw what was in the back of the truck. They could not wait to get to dad’s apartment and set it up. As soon as we got everything inside, and by the way my eight year old daughter insisted on carrying in some chairs, the first thing they did was grab the pledge wipes and spend 30 minutes wiping down every inch. They tested each chair and we turned the whole arrangement around three times before we settled on the perfect spot.

   That is how simple it was. A table and four chairs from a second hand store that turned in to a family dining room table by dinner time that night. I cooked a meal and we all sat at the table and ate supper. We talked about school that week. I teach they learn so the conversation was stimulating. For the first time there was a sense of normalcy at my new home for the three of us. We had a gathering place, not just more furniture, but a place where we could gather as family, give thanks for what we have and enjoy some laughter, food and love. Sometimes it is the small things that have the largest impact. In this case no matter what happens for now we eat together at a table. We greet the day enjoying breakfast as we make plans for the time we have, or just enjoy each other’s company as we wake up. Sometimes it is the smallest things that have the largest impact. I will look for more of these as I start over, over 50.

Another Day

   It’s never a clean break. No matter what each party says about no fault, or not seeking recompense for anything and that the split will be amicable, it rarely is. From the tangle of personal finances to the years of simmering resentment, anger or whatever it was it rarely is a clean break. That is why sometimes it becomes a matter of one step forward and two steps back. Just when you think you have cleared a major hurdle and you can move on and make progress something jumps up and grabs you by throat as if to say not so fast buddy, there is still another pound of flesh to be exacted. I have been losing weight and my pounds of flesh to give are rapidly disappearing.

   Thankfully there are no debtor’s prisons, no stocks to be put in for public ridicule. However, the weight of these things hanging over your head are as strong as any prison cell and walking around with the knowledge of your eminent ruin leaves you thinking everyone knows your business. It’s as if you are wearing some sort failure t-shirt that people look at and shake their heads as they walk by. I am not a failure, a relationship failed. Part of that is my fault, but I am not a failure.

   However, when you have to reach out to others for help when for so many years you were self-reliant it stings. I never realized how fragile things were until they were broken to pieces. Now I have to watch every penny. Now I have to worry more about the future than I did before. If I do not make the right moves now and stay on track I will be in a sad state if I am not careful. This is one of the many hazards of divorce that we know about, but can do nothing to prevent, only ride the wave until it either crashes or delivers us safely to shore.

    I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am not as strong as I once was but I am a survivor and I am hopeful about the future. I am doing all I can to keep my affairs in order and I admit it is not easy. Weighed down by the demise of the marriage, the loss of a permanent place in my children’s home and the sheer loneliness that comes with a night of the peace and quiet that I claimed to always miss, I will continue on and it is truly not as bad as it could be. I know there others who have it harder, suffer more and are without the safety nets I have found. I pray for them regularly and help any who ask as much as I can. One thing I know for certain is I cannot do this alone. I need help, support and encouragement. I need success, accolades and accomplishments as I start over, over 50.

Renewal

   The weather is getting colder and the days are getting shorter. People have been advising me since I started this process that I just had to give it some time and things would get better. This time of year time seems to pass a bit faster. Gone are the long slow days of summer and now begins the short hectic rush through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day and for those of here in the Gulf South, Mardis Gras. There are days off, dinners and family gatherings that give us more time moving around from place to place. Everyone will be trying to maximize, maybe in some cases minimize, the time they spend with family and loved ones.

   This is by far my favorite time of the year, even in the darkest times of my life it seemed after the holidays things always got better. Things are getting better right now, so the holidays hold promise. I love the idea of the season, from giving thanks, to giving love and gratitude, to leaving behind the old and ringing in the new, to the debauchery of Fat Tuesday and closing out with the joy of resurrection. What a truly happy time. The promise of renewal makes these next few months easier to get through. And as much as I hate to admit it, they were right. Time is working towards making things better.  

      Starting over is about renewal. Albeit at my age there is not much being renewed and sometimes there is more just hanging on than anything else. The uniqueness of starting over at this age is the lack of time. Some things are little more urgent now that I am in my 50s than they were when I was 30. That may be a perception issue and when I was in my 30s I probably had a higher chance of checking out due to my lifestyle than I do now. In my 30s it was about the hunt and being out with the boys and living it up being single. In my 50s it is about health insurance, retirement savings and seeing as much of my kids as I can.

     This time, as hard as the blow was, I am recovering faster and stronger and becoming wiser I think. I am not in as big of a rush it seems as I was 25 years ago. Time is passing and sometimes it goes too fast. Time is healing part of me and at the same time putting distance between myself and a past that I was rather fond of. Compared to just 6 months ago my life is vastly different. But it is nice. Things are looking up and moving forward. I am making plans out past next year and two months ago the next day was the unknown. I am back on the bus and my luggage is stowed. I am on my way again. Although I am not sure of the destination I am looking forward to getting there as I start over, over 50.

Light

   The light of day is a good thing. I realized that this morning as I drove to work an hour later than last week due to the time change. My mood was little brighter and I actually enjoyed the ride. There is something about light that makes things seem, well, brighter. The down side is that it gets dark awfully early now. It seems unnatural to go to work in the dark although for a good part of my life the jobs I held usually brought me to work in the dark and brought me home the same way. As a young man the small things were not an issue, and believe me there were plenty of times when I witnessed a beautiful sunset and ten hours later through slightly blearier eyes witnessed a sunrise just as beautiful and my only thought was “what the hell time is it?"

   Today I relish rising early, beginning the day in the bright beam of the Creator’s flashlight I can go forth and see the glory of life all around me. The new sights, sounds and smells that were once insignificant and just part of the landscape are now part of the glory of life. It does not matter what happened at work yesterday, the fears and anxieties that were present the day before have again proven themselves to be a waste time and energy. This is a new day and I am starting it in the full glory of a bright beautiful morning. It is amazing what a little light can do for the soul.

   It is also amazing what a little light can do for the heart. That is why every now and then we need to shine a little light into our hearts. We need to peer in the corners and nooks and crannies to make sure the light of love and truth and the real goodness that surrounds us can fill our hearts with the joy of life and the joys of love. Not receiving love, but offering true unconditional love to those around us, for it is true, you should love your enemies, fear them, keep them at a distance, but love your enemies.

   Hate will darken your heart. Wanting to harm, or taking satisfaction in the ill will brought to another will scar your heart and darken your soul. Every morning I will open my eyes to the light of day and my heart to the light of love for my fellow man. I will offer gratitude for being alive and as best I am capable I will offer love even to those that wish me ill will. I will pray for their happiness and for whatever it is I have done to them to be made right. I will open my heart to the light of love and the glory of each new day as I start over, over 50.

The Tides of Life

   I was thinking about what I needed to purge today, as that is one of the reasons I do this and came to a conclusion that I am hoping will help me recover. I am over 50 years old, that much we know from the title, and I am starting over at a time when I was certain the rest of my life was mapped out pretty well. Someone once told me the best way to make God laugh was to tell him your plans. He must be in stitches right now. No charge Big Guy, this one’s on me. Now I am certain that the only thing certain in life is change, which brings me to the conclusion I reached today.

    We start over every day. Each day we wake up is a fresh beginning. Yesterday’s foibles, gaffs and mistakes are done and cannot be changed. The victories won, battles fought and adulation received are now history. Each day we have to get up and go to it again, trying our best, hoping for the best and sometimes expecting the worse only to realize as we lie down for sleep that night that we made it. We successfully navigated another treacherous day filled with all kinds of danger. Some people wake up one day with the expectation of going home that night and never make it.

    I still start each day with despair and worry and concern for the future only to return home that evening safe and sound with a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and friends and family that still love me. None of the bad things I was expecting happened and I am still alive. Tomorrow brings the promise of a fresh start, the promise of starting over and trying harder. Breathe in, breathe out, sometimes it is that simple. Get up get dressed and put one foot in front of the other and you’ll be surprised out how well things turn out. Do what you know is right and good and I know for certain that you will prevail.

   From now on when I wake up and the despair and pain start I will try to remember to just breathe in, breathe out and put one foot in front of the other. Do what is right and good all day and hope for the best. I will know in my heart that there are some things I cannot control. The ebb and flow of the tides of life are as out of my control as the ebb and flow of the tides in the smallest sea. I just have to drift along with the tide, keep my head above water and breathe in and breathe out as I start over, over 50.

Making Progress

   Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days. I worked hard, made progress in my personal life and while I still hurt it was not so bad. I am settling in to a better rhythm now. I work every day and think about work when I am not there. I see my children every other weekend, and take them to piano lessons every Tuesday afternoon. I visit my mom and dad as often as possible, maybe too much, maybe sometimes not enough. I still spend most of my evenings alone and that is not too bad. I have to distract myself so I do not wonder what the kids are doing and then start missing them and then start…well you know the drill.

   I have dated a few times and at my age it is certainly more challenging than it was 30 years ago. I am not complaining and any unsuccessful dates were entirely my fault. I probably was not ready and was distracted by what was going on and as usual making it all about me. For that I am sorry, because every woman I have dated since this started was nice and probably more than I deserved. This was just all so unexpected and caught me so unawares that I am still reeling from all the changes that have taken place. As challenging as it is I am adjusting well and moving forward. I think.

   The economic challenges have been tough and added a worry that I have not dealt with before. I will endure those and prevail eventually. There are a lot of things I have to deal with now that I never had to think about before and that is a good thing. You know what they say, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, so I am keeping mine occupied. It is my heart, my soul and my spirituality that I worry about the most. I do not want to become cynical about love, jaded in my view of affairs of the heart. I do not want to miss that next chance at a life with someone I love.

  I look at things differently now when comes to deciding who I should cultivate a relationship with; who I should spend what precious little time I have left. Trust me, I am not claiming my number is up, but reality tells me I am looking at 30 more good years at best, probably less. At the same time I am far less quick to judge, less apt to make a snap decision about someone based on first impressions. I know the roads we have all been down and met many of the people that have walked those roads. Hard roads, that fought every step they tried to take and they emerged at their destination, happy content and humble. That is my goal, to reach my destination happy, content, humble and extremely grateful. The road is in front of me and I am moving forward as I start over, over 50.

Wallowing

   Starting over is never easy. New challenges, new horizons, new people and places can make starting over a very exciting experience. I am trying to find all the good in this situation. I look all over for the bright side, and try to spin everything as positive as I possibly can. However, no matter how hard I try sometimes there is nothing about this that says yippee! I do all I can to not dwell on what the future holds, but for some reason, for the first time in my life, I am having a hard time dealing with something.

   I am not complaining and trust me I take many deep breaths and refocus my thoughts but sometimes no matter what I do all I can see is gloom and doom on the horizon. The part that pisses me off is that I know better. I know if I keep trying and do the right thing all will be well and I shall rise from this just as millions of people do every day. I see people every day that I know are facing and have faced harder times than what I am going through. However, sometimes that provides little solace. For like most people I can be self centered and shallow and I want to just wallow in my own little mud puddle of grief.

   Today I am covered in mud. I am wallowing in the uncertainty of a future that I know I have little control over. Things that cannot be changed are bogging me down and things that will never change are breaking my heart. The bad part about all of this is that in my weakness I freeze and do not do all of the things that I need to do to improve not just my physical environment but my spiritual well being. I am having trouble letting go of those things I no longer control and in the process I am having trouble handling those things that I have control over.

   One of the things I have control over is my attitude, my outlook on life, my undying belief in the fact that I will come through this as I have many other trials and tribulations. However, today I can’ see it. Today I am stuck in the mire of guilt, grief, uncertainty and gloom. I will snap out of it soon. I am committed to this process and I refuse to quit trying. That alone should carry me through to the other side as I start over, over 50.