Apology

      I owe someone an apology; someone close to me that had a hand in me being who I am today. I owe this person an apology because I have not been at all the man they envisioned, or tried to help me become. He became ill in a hurry and it seems like in the blink of an eye he ended up hospitalized for what turns out to be the rest of his life. I watched the decline and kept thinking to myself that if he just tried harder, if only he did what the doctor said he would be fine. The reality is there is nothing anyone could have done to stop the progression of his disease. The terrible part of this is his body is gone, but his mind is still as sharp as ever.

    In typical fashion I have avoided this issue, buried it, and denied it was the status quo until today. I have been feeling really bad lately. I have been lost in my own miasma of grief, a life in turmoil and all that I do not have, while just a few miles away in a sterile, impersonal room at a VA nursing home lies my mother’s husband. He is a Vietnam veteran, and he was and still is my stepfather. He put a roof over my head, food in my belly and constantly tried to push me to try harder and be better and not settle. I love him, and I do not recall ever telling him that. He loved my mother and her children and did his best to make our lives comfortable and safe. But I digress. I could go on and on about what he has done but the reality is I am not there for him. I have yet to gather the courage to accept the reality of what has happened and what is soon to happen, and in doing that I have not been there for my mother either. I have been there for myself plenty but not for those that need me. I have failed to live up to the expectations I put on myself and what I expect of others all due to my unwillingness to accept things for what they are and do the things that a man should do.

    I am guilty but I will not wallow in this one. This is something I can change and something I can improve. This is not about me but yet in a way it is. I guess what Aristotle said was true. If we do not examine our lives what is the point? I have done a lot of examining and some of what I have uncovered is not pretty and this one of those things. Being afraid of what is and what is to come is a weakness that I cannot afford. I have to keep living and loving those around me that I call family. Time is too short and regret sucks, and cannot be erased, so I will endeavor to be there for people as they need me. I will remember what I have to give and quit holding it back. I will give freely of my love and my time as I start over, over 50.