It’s never a clean break. No matter what each party says about no fault, or not seeking recompense for anything and that the split will be amicable, it rarely is. From the tangle of personal finances to the years of simmering resentment, anger or whatever it was it rarely is a clean break. That is why sometimes it becomes a matter of one step forward and two steps back. Just when you think you have cleared a major hurdle and you can move on and make progress something jumps up and grabs you by throat as if to say not so fast buddy, there is still another pound of flesh to be exacted. I have been losing weight and my pounds of flesh to give are rapidly disappearing.
Thankfully there are no debtor’s prisons, no stocks to be put in for public ridicule. However, the weight of these things hanging over your head are as strong as any prison cell and walking around with the knowledge of your eminent ruin leaves you thinking everyone knows your business. It’s as if you are wearing some sort failure t-shirt that people look at and shake their heads as they walk by. I am not a failure, a relationship failed. Part of that is my fault, but I am not a failure.
However, when you have to reach out to others for help when for so many years you were self-reliant it stings. I never realized how fragile things were until they were broken to pieces. Now I have to watch every penny. Now I have to worry more about the future than I did before. If I do not make the right moves now and stay on track I will be in a sad state if I am not careful. This is one of the many hazards of divorce that we know about, but can do nothing to prevent, only ride the wave until it either crashes or delivers us safely to shore.
I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am not as strong as I once was but I am a survivor and I am hopeful about the future. I am doing all I can to keep my affairs in order and I admit it is not easy. Weighed down by the demise of the marriage, the loss of a permanent place in my children’s home and the sheer loneliness that comes with a night of the peace and quiet that I claimed to always miss, I will continue on and it is truly not as bad as it could be. I know there others who have it harder, suffer more and are without the safety nets I have found. I pray for them regularly and help any who ask as much as I can. One thing I know for certain is I cannot do this alone. I need help, support and encouragement. I need success, accolades and accomplishments as I start over, over 50.
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