The litttle things

   How different our lives become as we get older and how different we think about things now than we did in the past. Things that used to bother us greatly now bother us very little and things that never bothered us before get our attention more than they used to. Things that mattered decades ago now mean nothing and the things that we used to ignore now hold greater importance. For me it is most of the little things that matter now. Those things that add to my life, make home seem like a home, and give me comfort when I need it. One thing I recently purchased made a profound difference in my surroundings.

    First you must understand where I live. It is the classic cliché divorcee apartment, one bedroom, one bath and not much else. I left my home of 16 years with very little in the way of furnishings. One of the things I was missing was a dining room table. At first glance one would not think that was such a big deal. After all I am the only one living here so my immediate needs were scant. However, as time goes by and I am getting used to the situation and accepting where I am living these things become more important. With the children staying on a fairly regular basis it started to become an issue. We had been eating at an island sitting on stools in the middle of the kitchen.

   This past Friday I stopped by a used furniture store and picked up a dining room table and 4 chairs. When I picked up the children that afternoon you would have thought it was Christmas when they saw what was in the back of the truck. They could not wait to get to dad’s apartment and set it up. As soon as we got everything inside, and by the way my eight year old daughter insisted on carrying in some chairs, the first thing they did was grab the pledge wipes and spend 30 minutes wiping down every inch. They tested each chair and we turned the whole arrangement around three times before we settled on the perfect spot.

   That is how simple it was. A table and four chairs from a second hand store that turned in to a family dining room table by dinner time that night. I cooked a meal and we all sat at the table and ate supper. We talked about school that week. I teach they learn so the conversation was stimulating. For the first time there was a sense of normalcy at my new home for the three of us. We had a gathering place, not just more furniture, but a place where we could gather as family, give thanks for what we have and enjoy some laughter, food and love. Sometimes it is the small things that have the largest impact. In this case no matter what happens for now we eat together at a table. We greet the day enjoying breakfast as we make plans for the time we have, or just enjoy each other’s company as we wake up. Sometimes it is the smallest things that have the largest impact. I will look for more of these as I start over, over 50.

Another Day

   It’s never a clean break. No matter what each party says about no fault, or not seeking recompense for anything and that the split will be amicable, it rarely is. From the tangle of personal finances to the years of simmering resentment, anger or whatever it was it rarely is a clean break. That is why sometimes it becomes a matter of one step forward and two steps back. Just when you think you have cleared a major hurdle and you can move on and make progress something jumps up and grabs you by throat as if to say not so fast buddy, there is still another pound of flesh to be exacted. I have been losing weight and my pounds of flesh to give are rapidly disappearing.

   Thankfully there are no debtor’s prisons, no stocks to be put in for public ridicule. However, the weight of these things hanging over your head are as strong as any prison cell and walking around with the knowledge of your eminent ruin leaves you thinking everyone knows your business. It’s as if you are wearing some sort failure t-shirt that people look at and shake their heads as they walk by. I am not a failure, a relationship failed. Part of that is my fault, but I am not a failure.

   However, when you have to reach out to others for help when for so many years you were self-reliant it stings. I never realized how fragile things were until they were broken to pieces. Now I have to watch every penny. Now I have to worry more about the future than I did before. If I do not make the right moves now and stay on track I will be in a sad state if I am not careful. This is one of the many hazards of divorce that we know about, but can do nothing to prevent, only ride the wave until it either crashes or delivers us safely to shore.

    I am not as strong as I thought I was and I am not as strong as I once was but I am a survivor and I am hopeful about the future. I am doing all I can to keep my affairs in order and I admit it is not easy. Weighed down by the demise of the marriage, the loss of a permanent place in my children’s home and the sheer loneliness that comes with a night of the peace and quiet that I claimed to always miss, I will continue on and it is truly not as bad as it could be. I know there others who have it harder, suffer more and are without the safety nets I have found. I pray for them regularly and help any who ask as much as I can. One thing I know for certain is I cannot do this alone. I need help, support and encouragement. I need success, accolades and accomplishments as I start over, over 50.

Renewal

   The weather is getting colder and the days are getting shorter. People have been advising me since I started this process that I just had to give it some time and things would get better. This time of year time seems to pass a bit faster. Gone are the long slow days of summer and now begins the short hectic rush through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Day and for those of here in the Gulf South, Mardis Gras. There are days off, dinners and family gatherings that give us more time moving around from place to place. Everyone will be trying to maximize, maybe in some cases minimize, the time they spend with family and loved ones.

   This is by far my favorite time of the year, even in the darkest times of my life it seemed after the holidays things always got better. Things are getting better right now, so the holidays hold promise. I love the idea of the season, from giving thanks, to giving love and gratitude, to leaving behind the old and ringing in the new, to the debauchery of Fat Tuesday and closing out with the joy of resurrection. What a truly happy time. The promise of renewal makes these next few months easier to get through. And as much as I hate to admit it, they were right. Time is working towards making things better.  

      Starting over is about renewal. Albeit at my age there is not much being renewed and sometimes there is more just hanging on than anything else. The uniqueness of starting over at this age is the lack of time. Some things are little more urgent now that I am in my 50s than they were when I was 30. That may be a perception issue and when I was in my 30s I probably had a higher chance of checking out due to my lifestyle than I do now. In my 30s it was about the hunt and being out with the boys and living it up being single. In my 50s it is about health insurance, retirement savings and seeing as much of my kids as I can.

     This time, as hard as the blow was, I am recovering faster and stronger and becoming wiser I think. I am not in as big of a rush it seems as I was 25 years ago. Time is passing and sometimes it goes too fast. Time is healing part of me and at the same time putting distance between myself and a past that I was rather fond of. Compared to just 6 months ago my life is vastly different. But it is nice. Things are looking up and moving forward. I am making plans out past next year and two months ago the next day was the unknown. I am back on the bus and my luggage is stowed. I am on my way again. Although I am not sure of the destination I am looking forward to getting there as I start over, over 50.

Light

   The light of day is a good thing. I realized that this morning as I drove to work an hour later than last week due to the time change. My mood was little brighter and I actually enjoyed the ride. There is something about light that makes things seem, well, brighter. The down side is that it gets dark awfully early now. It seems unnatural to go to work in the dark although for a good part of my life the jobs I held usually brought me to work in the dark and brought me home the same way. As a young man the small things were not an issue, and believe me there were plenty of times when I witnessed a beautiful sunset and ten hours later through slightly blearier eyes witnessed a sunrise just as beautiful and my only thought was “what the hell time is it?"

   Today I relish rising early, beginning the day in the bright beam of the Creator’s flashlight I can go forth and see the glory of life all around me. The new sights, sounds and smells that were once insignificant and just part of the landscape are now part of the glory of life. It does not matter what happened at work yesterday, the fears and anxieties that were present the day before have again proven themselves to be a waste time and energy. This is a new day and I am starting it in the full glory of a bright beautiful morning. It is amazing what a little light can do for the soul.

   It is also amazing what a little light can do for the heart. That is why every now and then we need to shine a little light into our hearts. We need to peer in the corners and nooks and crannies to make sure the light of love and truth and the real goodness that surrounds us can fill our hearts with the joy of life and the joys of love. Not receiving love, but offering true unconditional love to those around us, for it is true, you should love your enemies, fear them, keep them at a distance, but love your enemies.

   Hate will darken your heart. Wanting to harm, or taking satisfaction in the ill will brought to another will scar your heart and darken your soul. Every morning I will open my eyes to the light of day and my heart to the light of love for my fellow man. I will offer gratitude for being alive and as best I am capable I will offer love even to those that wish me ill will. I will pray for their happiness and for whatever it is I have done to them to be made right. I will open my heart to the light of love and the glory of each new day as I start over, over 50.

The Tides of Life

   I was thinking about what I needed to purge today, as that is one of the reasons I do this and came to a conclusion that I am hoping will help me recover. I am over 50 years old, that much we know from the title, and I am starting over at a time when I was certain the rest of my life was mapped out pretty well. Someone once told me the best way to make God laugh was to tell him your plans. He must be in stitches right now. No charge Big Guy, this one’s on me. Now I am certain that the only thing certain in life is change, which brings me to the conclusion I reached today.

    We start over every day. Each day we wake up is a fresh beginning. Yesterday’s foibles, gaffs and mistakes are done and cannot be changed. The victories won, battles fought and adulation received are now history. Each day we have to get up and go to it again, trying our best, hoping for the best and sometimes expecting the worse only to realize as we lie down for sleep that night that we made it. We successfully navigated another treacherous day filled with all kinds of danger. Some people wake up one day with the expectation of going home that night and never make it.

    I still start each day with despair and worry and concern for the future only to return home that evening safe and sound with a roof over my head, food in the cupboard and friends and family that still love me. None of the bad things I was expecting happened and I am still alive. Tomorrow brings the promise of a fresh start, the promise of starting over and trying harder. Breathe in, breathe out, sometimes it is that simple. Get up get dressed and put one foot in front of the other and you’ll be surprised out how well things turn out. Do what you know is right and good and I know for certain that you will prevail.

   From now on when I wake up and the despair and pain start I will try to remember to just breathe in, breathe out and put one foot in front of the other. Do what is right and good all day and hope for the best. I will know in my heart that there are some things I cannot control. The ebb and flow of the tides of life are as out of my control as the ebb and flow of the tides in the smallest sea. I just have to drift along with the tide, keep my head above water and breathe in and breathe out as I start over, over 50.

Making Progress

   Some days are better than others. Today was one of those days. I worked hard, made progress in my personal life and while I still hurt it was not so bad. I am settling in to a better rhythm now. I work every day and think about work when I am not there. I see my children every other weekend, and take them to piano lessons every Tuesday afternoon. I visit my mom and dad as often as possible, maybe too much, maybe sometimes not enough. I still spend most of my evenings alone and that is not too bad. I have to distract myself so I do not wonder what the kids are doing and then start missing them and then start…well you know the drill.

   I have dated a few times and at my age it is certainly more challenging than it was 30 years ago. I am not complaining and any unsuccessful dates were entirely my fault. I probably was not ready and was distracted by what was going on and as usual making it all about me. For that I am sorry, because every woman I have dated since this started was nice and probably more than I deserved. This was just all so unexpected and caught me so unawares that I am still reeling from all the changes that have taken place. As challenging as it is I am adjusting well and moving forward. I think.

   The economic challenges have been tough and added a worry that I have not dealt with before. I will endure those and prevail eventually. There are a lot of things I have to deal with now that I never had to think about before and that is a good thing. You know what they say, “A mind is a terrible thing to waste”, so I am keeping mine occupied. It is my heart, my soul and my spirituality that I worry about the most. I do not want to become cynical about love, jaded in my view of affairs of the heart. I do not want to miss that next chance at a life with someone I love.

  I look at things differently now when comes to deciding who I should cultivate a relationship with; who I should spend what precious little time I have left. Trust me, I am not claiming my number is up, but reality tells me I am looking at 30 more good years at best, probably less. At the same time I am far less quick to judge, less apt to make a snap decision about someone based on first impressions. I know the roads we have all been down and met many of the people that have walked those roads. Hard roads, that fought every step they tried to take and they emerged at their destination, happy content and humble. That is my goal, to reach my destination happy, content, humble and extremely grateful. The road is in front of me and I am moving forward as I start over, over 50.

Wallowing

   Starting over is never easy. New challenges, new horizons, new people and places can make starting over a very exciting experience. I am trying to find all the good in this situation. I look all over for the bright side, and try to spin everything as positive as I possibly can. However, no matter how hard I try sometimes there is nothing about this that says yippee! I do all I can to not dwell on what the future holds, but for some reason, for the first time in my life, I am having a hard time dealing with something.

   I am not complaining and trust me I take many deep breaths and refocus my thoughts but sometimes no matter what I do all I can see is gloom and doom on the horizon. The part that pisses me off is that I know better. I know if I keep trying and do the right thing all will be well and I shall rise from this just as millions of people do every day. I see people every day that I know are facing and have faced harder times than what I am going through. However, sometimes that provides little solace. For like most people I can be self centered and shallow and I want to just wallow in my own little mud puddle of grief.

   Today I am covered in mud. I am wallowing in the uncertainty of a future that I know I have little control over. Things that cannot be changed are bogging me down and things that will never change are breaking my heart. The bad part about all of this is that in my weakness I freeze and do not do all of the things that I need to do to improve not just my physical environment but my spiritual well being. I am having trouble letting go of those things I no longer control and in the process I am having trouble handling those things that I have control over.

   One of the things I have control over is my attitude, my outlook on life, my undying belief in the fact that I will come through this as I have many other trials and tribulations. However, today I can’ see it. Today I am stuck in the mire of guilt, grief, uncertainty and gloom. I will snap out of it soon. I am committed to this process and I refuse to quit trying. That alone should carry me through to the other side as I start over, over 50.