The Answer

   I once watched a recorded session of a couple going through marriage counseling. They were divorced, yet they were trying either to understand what happened, or get back together. The intriguing part to me, and I still remember it vividly, was when the therapist asked the man what he missed most from the marriage. I was amazed! I was married at the time and the man’s slow response to answering the question got my attention. When he had an answer it had little to do with the woman, his wife, and his lover and had more to do with his life.

   I thought about that question then and thinK about it even more now. When I was married I always asked myself what I would have said. Being comfortable and oblivious to things around me at the time I never gave it much deep thought. Now, things being what they are, I have given it a lot of thought. It is a tough question and I understand why the man took so long to answer. First let me admit that as a gender, when it comes to affairs of the heart, men lose all ability to communicate rationally and effectively. That part I understand. However, I continued to try to answer that question.

    Each time I have broken down and begged God to tell me why I couldn’t be what I was anymore, why was I in this situation, and why was everything I knew and loved now gone, I would stop and try to answer that question, and in trying to answer it I came to a cold realization. There was a reason things happened the way they did and I was part of it. Because in trying to answer that question for myself I froze, just like the man in the recorded session I watched. Never mind what the answer is, the fact that I could not immediately spit out what I knew in my heart is the right answer I had answered for myself all the lamentations and prayers I had thrown heavenward.

    I know now in my heart what I miss most. It turns out most were just things, or as I have mentioned before, routines. Things that defined the man I wanted to be, and hoped people saw me to be, a husband, a father, a leader and teacher; a man of good principle with a fine family and a solid member of the community. Most were mere illusions and there are only two of those that I can honestly claim and they are father and teacher. Maybe for right now that is enough. Maybe for now I do not have to be anything more. Maybe for now I can just be me and hope that is enough as I start over, over 50.