Fear

I have pondered lately why I have been so fearful, or worried, or maybe even anxious about starting over at my age. Why has it caused me so much pain, fervent prayers for help, and bouts of grief that bring my six foot four inch 260lb frame to its knees? Why do I cry out to God for deliverance from this pain and fear? Today I realized it was the uncertainty. The not knowing how my children are and what they are doing every minute, what if I got sick or injured (I lost my health insurance as a result of the divorce) where was my next paycheck coming from and would I be able to pay my bills? All of these thoughts and more consumed me and some days paralyzed me. I have slowly come to the realization that these were legitimate concerns, but also issues I could deal with. I have dealt with worse, with fewer resources than I currently possess.

   I can call my ex-wife at any time to check on the kids, hell they call me every day, sometimes twice a day. I can see them anytime I want and regularly get them for weekend visits. Scratch one fear off the list. What if I did get sick or injured? I would go to the hospital or doctor and get treatment. The bill would be the bill, not as important as my health. I am reminded of an acquaintance from high school that delayed going to the doctor because she had no health insurance. She died some months later of breast cancer. If I get sick or hurt I will seek treatment and deal with the bill as it comes, at least I will be alive. As for the next paycheck, I am a college educated, licensed and certified teacher with more than one endorsement on my license. Certainly, sooner or later I can find work and right now it appears I may have. Scratch another one off the list.

   The point in all this is I succumbed to man’s worse enemy, fear. Fear brought on by uncertainty, has stopped many people cold and left them unable to succeed. But life is full of uncertainties, I may drop dead tomorrow and this all becomes moot. I will not deny my fears, but rather as we are all taught I will face them head on. Acknowledging their existence but refusing to let them stop me from achieving my goals. I have before, and I can do it again. Looking back on my life I have always done just that, acknowledged them, but pressed forward thereby conquering them whether I was successful or not. Starting over, over 50 is a daunting task, but hardly impossible. There is not a thing I can think of that should prevent me from being successful. So I go forth, afraid, uncertain, but sure in the knowledge that it is what I must do. To start over, at some point I have to get started. So I have started, I have a good opportunity for a job in a good school system that will eliminate about 75% of things that have me worried. Am I afraid, yes I am? Will it stop me from moving forward and achieving my goals? Never.

 Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie