Due to recent changes in my life I have embarked on a journey of introspection. Not some metaphysical spiritual journey, but a simple self examination of where I see myself and where I want to see myself. As a result of this I have begun to seriously change my way of thinking, my outlook on life and how I view my role in its direction. The important part of this idea is the "my role" part. My role is the only one that matters. No one else has or had a role in my journey, or my current destination. My reactions to and my treatment of others may have been a deciding factor, but no one else has any ownership in it but me.

  One of the many things I am discovering is how I view my circumstance and how I view what I want that to be. I used to hope that things would get better. I used to hope that someone would love me, that I would win the lottery, or that I would be successful. Hope was an integral part of my way of thinking and a big part of my daily affirmations that intentionally, or not, were a constant mantra of my thoughts. That has changed now. I abandon hope. I disregard hope and no longer hope for anything. Do not get me wrong. I am not giving up nor am I in a deep well of depression from which there is no exit.

   Instead I have adopted faith over hope. I have faith in how my life will unfold. I walk through the day with the faith of a zealot sure that even in death they will live forever. You see, I have come to realize that hope is just a wish, a dream, nebulous and ethereal in its nature and holding no promise or obligation, to its creator (he who hopes) to manifest those things he believes in. Faith is the sure knowledge of something. The belief that no matter what, the things you want and desire can be manifested by the sheer belief that they will be. Faith the is sword that conquers foes and the shield and that protects a heart.

  I believe that hope can be a thief. Robbing one of the surety that the knowledge you possess is useless against the inexorable tidal forces of circumstances bent on diverting you from your chosen path. Hope is only the dream of a promise that may be and not the sure knowledge of what will be. When Dante described his entry into hell the last line of the inscription above the gate was "Abandon all hope ye who enter here". That is good advice. Abandon hope and cling tenaciously to faith. As Jim Carrey said in a recent college commencement address "Hope drives through the fire, faith leaps over it." Faith gives you the strength to conquer, hope gives you a dream of what might happen.

  Don't get me wrong. I am certain hope has a place. There are bound to be parts of our journey where hope has relevance. For me, right now, faith is what I choose. I have faith in myself and I have faith in what is yet to be. Why? Because I firmly believe that it will be. That's right, I believe it will be. I believe that what I want and desire will manifest itself and I know from the knowledge of past experience that I can manifest those those desires into reality. Dr. Phil always proclaims that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. While he may be right on a psychological level I do not believe it applies to our ability to alter our path. I am walking in faith. I have faith in the fact that I am the master of my own ship and I guide it to its final port. Walk in faith with me today. Be strong in your beliefs and sure in the knowledge that you will prevail. I am taking that walk today and everyday as I start over, over 50.

   As I get older the one constant I notice is how little I really know. I have been to college, served in the military and was a school teacher, but my true scope of knowledge is rather narrow. In recent years I have taken to studying things that I used to struggle with. Things a bit more complex than I am used to and things that serve no real purpose at the present time other than the continued accumulation of knowledge and to exercise my aging brain.

   After completing my undergraduate degree in History I obtained a license to teach. At that time I was tired from the rigors of college and the course work required to get my teaching certificate so I coasted for about a year. I became restless and took up reading about some of my favorite subjects. It was at this time I was encouraged to apply for and was accepted into a program at The Mississippi School of Math and Science to learn how to better teach math. In the interest of full disclosure I must say that while I was a good student and graduated with highest honors from college, math was never my strongest subject. I took college Algebra four times before I was satisfied and passed with an A. In school, as a youngster, math confused and perplexed me and while I managed decent grades I never really grasped the nuance of numbers.

   This time something was different and while I gave it no thought at the time in retrospect I think I know what it was. First, the training was free. I would lose nothing if I did not complete the course, or master the material. Second, there were no grades. I only needed to complete the training to be successful. I completed the course work and took the state exam to be certified to teach math and only missed one question on the entire exam. I had conquered a fear and mastered the mystery of math! I believe now that it was the absence of the stress of economics and grades that allowed me to do this.

  What's my point? Well, besides not wanting to miss a chance to toot my own horn I am pointing out that it is never too late for us to learn and master new things that had previously caused us great consternation. I was over fifty years old when I completed that course. Since then I have gone on to study more advanced mathematics and I am starting to wet my beak with physics. Unencumbered by having to pay for a course I might not complete I can learn at my own pace in the absence of soul crushing, self induced requirements to be at the top of the class. I relax and let the information flow into my brain. Now I can take on the new challenges and push past my early fears and barriers.

  At my advanced age and career path I can take on new challenges. I am just as equipped as I was in my youth, maybe more so. Being over fifty I have years of experience and prior knowledge. I have developed discipline that I lacked in my youth. Now I can pick and choose what I want to study and how far I want to take it. So I say to you, go out there and take on a new challenge. Learn something new that you may have thought beyond your abilities before. Shy away from nothing and do not assume you cannot not grasp it. I am learning, and absorbing new knowledge everyday as I start over, over 50.
Some books I previously mentioned are listed again below. I encourage you to check them out.

Here's Looking at Euclid, Alex Bellos
The Dancing Wu-Li Masters, Gary Zukav
Mathematics, The Loss of Certainty, Morris Kline

  TGIF, or Thank God it's Friday a common phrase used by people all over for decades to signify the beginning of the weekend and some rest and relaxation, although that is rarely the case. As human beings we divide our time into neat little packages to quantify our life cycles. We have taken up the habit of naming decades, generations and some cultures have a name for each year not only to quantify, but qualify it as well. The truth is time is but a construct we developed to define our reality and our march through life.

  We should be happy for every day. As opposed to TGIF we should say TGIT, or That God it's Today! Thank whomever, or whatever you please, but have some gratitude. We are given many gifts throughout life. Some material, some emotional and some are intangible little things that we rarely notice. Each day is a gift and each new day is precious. For many people yesterday was their last day on this Earth and in this reality. As yet we only have faith in what we believe to be waiting for us after death. Do not concern yourself with death. You have no control over it. We can take steps to minimize our exposure to death, we can minimize our risk to avoid the possibility, but eventually it is another gift we will receive.

  Time is our most precious commodity. Time, we have found, is relative to space and distance as well. We measure time and distance with interchangeable phrases. When asked how far away a place is we may answer in hours, or we sometimes answer in distance as well because we all have an innate sense of the relative nature of space and time. Distance is just another description of space. It is the time interval between two points in space. We cannot however measure the distance between our birth and death in any other way than time. Or can we?

  We measure our lives with milestones. Birth, school is measured in increments, marriage, child rearing, grandchildren and career changes are many ways in which we quantify our passage through time. How do you measure the distance between your birth and death? I choose not to. I am making a conscious effort not to measure, or quantify my past, or my future. I no longer say "when I retire..." or when I have grandchildren...". I am going to reside firmly in today and the now. I remember the past, but I do not live in it. I consider the future and prepare for some things, but I do not anticipate anything. In anticipating an event we create it, good or bad if you think about it often enough and hard enough it will come to pass.

  Today is what we have and today is the greatest gift we can ever receive. Another chance to live well, be happy and treat those around us with kindness respect and gratitude for being part of our lives. Stay in each moment today as it arrives. Do not dwell on someone that just passed through your day trying to harsh your gig. Truth is you probably went unnoticed to them and were not given a moments consideration. Be grateful and happy and try to be a shining example to those around you. This day is yours, a gift from the universe and time. Use it wisely, it may be your last, or it may be the beginning of a spectacular chapter in life. Seize it, grab it by the horns as I vow to do, starting over, over 50.

   Today is another new beginning and I think I have decided to add a more practical twist to this endeavor for me and for any one else who may find it useful. When you reach my age, the downhill side of 50, there are some things that need to be taken care, examined and put in order. Not that I am anticipating an untimely end it is just that I know that sooner or later the inevitable will occur. The law of the land complicates our advancing age, retirement and our ultimate final goodbye to such an extent that it is incumbent upon us to make things a little easier for those who may have to tidy up our affairs.

   The first to consider, I would think, is what we can do for ourselves as we age. Retirement, as much as some of us cannot imagine it we have to prepare for the time when we stop producing an income. Hopefully this has been planned for well in advance. I approached it this way, first I sat down and made a list of very place I had ever worked. I have worked at a lot of places. Most larger companies have solid retirement plans so there may be money left out there for you to tap into. Some larger corporations had, or may still have a plan called an Employee Stock Option Plan, ESOP that the company contributed to on your behalf. There are other types of plans well. If you ever worked for the Federal, or State and Local Government there are the Federal Employees Retirement System, or FERS and Public Employee Retirement System, or PERS. Using the internet is the quickest way to check out all of these places to see what you may have out there. You may have to sign up, or create an account, but after that checking what may be there is a breeze. One other thing I would do is make a list of every location you have ever lived and check the online registries for unclaimed funds. From old bank accounts to unclaimed tax refunds as well as money left to you by some long lost relative, there may be something out there.

   After you have that knocked out the other thing to consider for the present is your health. Do you have health insurance? Can you get health insurance? Again hopefully this has been taken care of in advance as well. If not, there are options. If you have ever served in the military trot down to your nearest Veterans Health Administration facility and register to see what benefits you may qualify to receive. Whether or not you ever served in combat, or were wounded, or injured during your tenure is not relevant. Do not assume you are not eligible and if you need the resource make use of it. I have and have found the health care I receive at my facility to be first class. Some of it I have to pay for and some is and can be billed to your insurance carrier if you have one. There are also state and federal programs such as medicaid and medicare, or even the Affordable Care Act. Again see if you need it and see if you qualify. You never know until you check and do not let your pride be the reason you suffer a lingering illness before you pass as this may place an undue burden on those closest to you.

   The last thing to do I would think is to prepare for the day you will ultimately leave this life. First a living will, or advance directive is essential. This document spells out how and who will make medical decisions when you are unable to do so. This can be simple, or complicated, it is yours so spell it out exactly the way you want it to be. Mine is rather simple. Mine simply says "give it a minute". This means do not be hasty in pulling the plug, if there is a small window of hope, give it a minute before yanking the plug. Again these are your wishes so spell them out clearly and designate someone you can trust to carry them out. Your last will and testament will spell out how you want what you leave behind dispersed. Remember you will be dead so be unconcerned what your heirs will think of you. Trust me, you will not be in a position to care. Designate a responsible person who you trust and leave your things to whatever person, persons, or entity you choose.

  These are just some of things to get in order as we move forward in life. The position I am in requires changing a good bit of this. One thing I have found that in doing these things is I have returned a sense of control over my own destiny and a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I am taking care of myself and those that are dear to me. These things are necessary so do not approach them lightly. Seek professional help, such as a lawyer and/or anaccountant. You would not enter an operating room without a surgeon, do not dabble in the law without a trained and certified professional either. You will rest easier knowing these things are done. I know I am as I start over, over 50.

 

   Today is the last day of summer for two of my children. While the calender does not reflect the fact, tomorrow is their first day of school for this year. This day has always been for children, the official end of the season of fun. While the weather won't change, life and routine will. As a child the days seemed to pass much slower than they do now. In a science class I took as an undergraduate the professor explained the biological reason for our change in the perception of the passage of time. It made sense and seems to hold true. However, time stills seems to pass more slowly during hard times. Our focus on the negative has a way of slowing things down.

    I am trying my best to stay in the present. I have become adroit at looking at the past in a positive light. My ability to see the past as not real and realize it was just a means of traveling to today has improved my disposition. The past does not exist. Things you may have done, or things that happened cannot be changed, or undone. We must learn to think about the past like this. We must learn to have an outlook that allows us to mover in the now and not be tied to our past. Anything we did, or anything others did that had an affect on us remains locked inexorably in the ethereal world of what was and not what is.

   In the same way that we must learn not to dwell in the past we must also be wary of being locked in stasis with regards to the future. Waiting around for what may come, or what we hope may happen steals the now that we have. We must also learn to be prepared for the future. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to is of course letting go of the past, but to also be happy with the present. Sounds difficult and sometimes it may be almost impossible. Being in severe emotional, or physical pain causes us to long for the quick passage of time because we know that relief comes with the movement of time.

  The past is gone. We can learn from it, we can look back on it with longing and a sense of loss, or we can just let it go and realize it no longer exists. Does that mean we must not hold on to any memories of it whether good or bad? Of course not! If that were true then the camera business would go belly up. What I am trying to say is let it go in the sense that we think we can, or must do something about it. Learn from it, hold and cherish the memories as treasures and life lessons, but without regret. Put that lopsided rueful grin on your face, shake your head at your foibles and walk in today. Something that to us as humans seems counter-intuitive, but trust me, you will be better for it. I know I am going to embrace today as the gift that it is...a new beginning as I start over, over 50.

   Another day and another new beginning. I was trying to think about the direction I would like to go with this writing project yesterday. When I started I thought it was good for me to wallow in the past and all that had happened and that writing about it would somehow speed up the healing process. So like most drunks in AA I spent everyday living in the past and counting up all of the bad things that had happened to me and believing that in dong so I would improve. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to criticize AA, I am only saying that I think some people in and out of AA have the wrong idea about the whole..."an unexamined life is not worth living" idea.

   I have come to the conclusion that as we examine our life we must look at the past, but not in a negative manner. The fact that we can examine it is a positive attribute about our past. All of the things that happened are simply life lessons. The good, the bad, the happiness, the loss, the gain etc, are all sign posts and material we need on our journey. When I examine my life now I look at what I am carrying and discard those things that are weighing me down. Going through life with extra baggage is a waste of time. I no longer tally up the misery, or define myself by what has happened. I am what I am and not what anything, or anybody else has made me.

  My outlook is slowly changing. It is not a quick fix. Changing over fifty years of thinking habits requires discipline. Not the stringent discipline of a marathon runner, or professional athlete, but the temerity to keep at it even when you do not see immediate results. When you listen to highly successful and happy people talk they all seem to have the same common trait. Confidence and a firm belief that they will succeed even after repeated failures. When you look at the track records of an Edison, or Salk, or Bill Gates you find numerous setbacks and misses on their way to their goal. We have to be able to accept the fact that we will fail many times as we move forward, that many obstacles will block our path to our intended goal. We will never stay on the path if we leave it to go around hurdles. They must be overcome and we must keep going. We learn valuable lessons from each and every failure and obstacle that we encounter.

  Whether you are starting over because of a personal loss, medical reason, death of a loved one or many of the many life changing events that we face every day be confident about your ability. Have faith in whatever you believe in, God, the nebulous idea of the universe being in charge, or yourself. Whatever gets you through the journey embrace it. Each day is a new beginning, filled with promise and endless possibilities. None of the things that happen to you should be looked at as a negative event. Each thing that happens provides us with new knowledge and experience that help us mover forward, all of which are a good thing. I know they are good for me and I use them as I start over, over 50.

   One of the constants of starting over is being able to do it any time you want. How many times have we begun writing a letter, or e-mail, or started to tell a story and have had to start over? That is how our lives work. No matter what it is, or where in life you are we have been given the gift of a new beginning. Every day, every hour, every minute and second is a chance for a new beginning. Time marches on inexorably and we can begin anew whenever the mood strikes us. That is not to say that we should look at these time increments as an excuse to stop doing something, or withdraw completely, but when we find ourselves in a bad spot, making a bad decision or having done something that is harmful we can put on the brakes and start over.

   When I was in college one of the most valuable lessons I was taught was the first rule of holes. The first rule of holes is simply when you find yourself in a hole put down the shovel. That one piece of advice has stood firm in my psyche since I first heard it. When you have made a series of decisions that put you deep in the mire of some vexing situation stop what you are doing. Put down the shovel. In other words it is time to look around and see where you are.

   Once you realize where you are it is time to extricate yourself from the hole you have dug. Realizing that you dug this hole is absolutely necessary to being able to get out of it. You have some options here. You can replace the dirt and rise up as the hole fills back in, or if that is not possible you can claw your way out, dust yourself off and move on. Generally I have found myself in holes too deep to refill and must claw and fight my way out of said hole.

   When you manage to get out of the hole I would suggest leaving the shovel behind. Too many times we find ourselves in a hole, manage to get out, but then we pick up that shovel and move on to another location and do the same thing all over again. Einstein defined this as insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Do not fall into this trap. As humans we tend to believe that we had the right idea and if we just try it again it will work this time all the while knowing in the back of our minds that the result is always the same. Stop it! get rid of the shovel and move on. Find some new tool to use.

  Each day is a new beginning filled with promise and endless possibilities. Move on and quit trying to prove yourself right by putting yourself in the same tired situations that do nothing for you. Begin each day without the past. Do not look at the past with regret or longing because it is gone. The past cannot be changed, only learned from. Dust yourself off and move on. Go on and carpe this day. It is a gift given to you. Do not squander it and for God's sake put down the shovel as I have, starting over, over 50.