It is late August in south Mississippi and that means the days are still long, but getting shorter, school has started and yes...it's football season again. Fall has always been one of my favorite seasons although as far south as I live we really do not have the typical seasons experienced by others. It begins to cool a little, days get shorter, hurricane season starts to settle and football starts. Fall is a time of transition from hot to not so hot. Football occupies that time slot. 

   For me football season has always meant something to do on Saturdays and Sundays other than yard work. Beginning with college football on Saturday and winding up on Monday night, it has always been one of my favorite times of the year. Saturdays gathered at a friends house or at my favorite watering hole have always given me a calm sense of place. Being from the south we have always taken our football too seriously although some of my friends would argue that it is impossible to be too serious about football because it is that important.

   Sundays are always a great at this time of  year with pro football filling up my entire day to the point of distraction. Believe it or not I have some friends for whom football season is trite and tiresome. I have difficulty understanding their position, but I respect it and they being the type of friends they are indulge my fervent desire to be in front of a television no matter where we find ourselves on those days. My children are the most intolerant. My daughter rolls her eyes and refuses to give an inch for football and the boy has yet to develop a true understanding of the nuance of the game. He is a great NASCAR fan, but I believe he has yet to develop an understanding of football and its place in the psyche of the south.

   I will spend this weekend watching college football and awaiting next week's start of the pro season. I will find a place that has my favorite game day foods and beverages and the most strategically placed televisions. For a few hours I can live vicariously cheering for colleges that my friends attended and my alma matter as well. I will enjoy the company of other like minded individuals striking up conversations with complete strangers and comparing our knowledge of the game. I love this time of year and all that it brings. 

   I am hoping you find the same joy in the changing of the seasons that I do, maybe not in football, but in whatever manner works for you. Time moves forward and we all mark the passing seasons in different ways. I mark the passing of summer with football and I welcome the fall with an open heart full of hope. Hope for my teams and hope for me and all of you. My hope is that somehow we can all feel like winners for a while, even if it is a short while. I will welcome the chance to escape for a few hours on weekends and gather with friends with open arms and a glad heart, as start over, over 50.

   As a student I used to dread writing assignments I hated the thought of having to do the research. I procrastinated until the days before the assignment was due and it was all that occupied my thoughts. I would cram a months worth of work into three or four days and turn in note cards, rough draft and final copy on the last day possible. I have no idea why I did this and as I got older I shied from any career that would involve these mental deadlines of methodical work that entailed certain steps in the process that had to be completed in order for the project to be done properly. However,  I ended up in careers that required just that. In college I started out as a business major and then switched to history with the thought of law school in the back of my head.

   A history degree requires a vast amount of research and writing rather cumbersome research papers that draw conclusions based on source material written by others. One has to have the discipline to ferret out these sources, organize them, read them, analyze them, draw conclusions that can be validated by these source materials and write these conclusions down in a coherent manner so that others can draw the same conclusions as you. Unlike the writing assignments of my youth I was drawn to these assignments with a sense of purpose. It was as if I had to do them in order to quench some inner thirst for knowledge that had to be exposed to the light of day so others could be enlightened and solve the same mysteries that were plaguing me. I soon found though that most others, those outside of my chosen field, had only a passing interest in my newly found avocation. Now, for me, writing is a requirement that I am obligated to fulfill so that I may continue on with the prosaic of my daily life.

   I have some friends that I can see are drawn to something in a similar fashion in which I am drawn to writing. One is a floral designer. She has what to me is an astounding ability to take plants and flowers and arrange different textures and colors in such a way that when you see them makes perfect sense. A way that seems as if nature had exactly that in mind when designing these plants. These arrangements actually seem to make sense of and have relevance to the situations and events they are designed to compliment. From funerals and weddings to births and any of other of life's events we choose to celebrate, when she is done there is no doubt that these groupings were just waiting to be put together and only she could do it. Their form clearly represents the events they are designed for.

   I have another friend that takes pictures. He works as something other than a photographer and is good at his job, but it is clear from his pictures that photographer is what he is. His pictures capture moments in time that need no captions or explanation. They are framed in such a way that one can feel what he felt as he took the picture. He can look at a vast landscape and find the one small story of interest and frame it in such a way that everything else, no matter its size, is dwarfed by what he has captured in his frame of reference. He has the ability to do this on a grand scale or on the micro level. His sense of color and space and even time are captured forever in a way that tends to burn the scene in one's mind. He translates perfectly the language of nature and puts it in context.

   These are the things that writing does for me. I was never employed as a writer. I have always done something else to put food on the table, but like the two described above I am drawn to it in such a way that I have to do it to make sense of events that have, or are taking place. With words I am compelled to arrange an event, idea or scene into a form that makes it visible to others in the same way that I saw or felt it. I no longer run from these "assignments". It is something I have to do just as I have to eat or breathe. To avoid discomfort I am driven to sit down now and reveal my thoughts and feelings and make them available to others to make sense of in the same way that my one friend arranges plants to assuage grief, or instill a sense of beauty to someone participating in or observing an event. I show others what I see as my photographer friend does on both a grand and micro level framed in a way that when observed the same thing nature reveals to me is revealed to them. Find your muse. Search out that which drives you, compels you to act and create. It can be anything. Creation can be manifested in many forms and all of them are art. In doing these things we help define our world, shape our perspective and the perspective of others. We can show the world what we see around us and how it affects us. I have to. I must, and I have no choice as I start over, over 50.

 
 

   I promised myself a few weeks ago that I would be disciplined about writing this blog. I promised myself I would stick to it no matter what and that I would be relevant, I also promised that in being disciplined I would stick to certain topics on certain days thereby forcing myself to explore some of the more mundane subjects and make them interesting. Wednesdays, I told myself, would be reserved for book, movie, song, or venue reviews. Giving myself and whoever reads this some insight into some of things I find interesting. Today will be somewhat different. I will do a review, but along with the promise of sticking to certain topics I also promised myself I would be honest. So forgive me if you find this tiresome, trite, or another trip down the road of self immolation by other means than fire, if that makes sense.

   There is a band I came across back in the late 1980s called Concrete Blonde. They have been around since about 1985, but I think they really caught my attention in 1990 with the release of their critically acclaimed album titled Bloodletting. They had a hit off of that album entitled Joey. I first heard the song on the way home one morning after a night of my usual heavy partying. Details of said behavior are irrelevant, or maybe just not necessary. I was in a dark place. I drank, and drank heavily, and drank all night. Alcohol was not my only escape route, but again all of the facts may be unnecessary. For me it was the beginning of a slow climb up from the abyss. One that I am grateful for today and believe it or nor our wake-up calls come in many forms. For me this time, it was the song Joey.

   I am a hopeless romantic. I am a voracious reader, lover of music, and cinema and any form of self expression and often times find myself in a song, I see myself in a movie character, or I see myself in the tortured soul of some artists. I understand the angst, the pain and the need to self express. As a child for some reason I felt misunderstood, or maybe I was unable to make myself understood. Maybe people did not misunderstand, maybe I misrepresented myself. As an adult I turned to self medication to stifle the need to be heard, to be understood, to be seen and found relevant. It did not work. It only seemed to dampen any creative process I may have had. It alienated those around me and to this day many people I knew then look at me in that same light, unable to see me as I see me. I digress.

   Concrete Blonde is an alternative rock band, dedicated to their art and dedicated to serving their close following and not selling out to a wider audience. The lead singer has a powerful voice and persona that lends itself to their genre and to their songs. Joey is about an alcoholic and in an interview, Johnette Napolitano, the lead singer and writer of Joey, gives a hint as to who the song is about, but that is doubted by some, and quite frankly to fans like me does not matter. I saw myself clearly in the lyrics. I saw a hopeless drunk loved by someone who was possibly an enabler. I had people like that in my life.

   The haunting lyrics describe the relationship between a drunk and the closest person to them. It allowed me to see myself where I was and what I had become and to let me see what others saw. I made it out of the gutter, I rose up form the pit and call me silly, call me maudlin, accuse me of deflecting, whatever. All I know is from that moment of clarity brought about by a song not intended for me, or about me, I was redeemed. I encourage you to listen to Concrete Blonde. Listen to Joey and maybe you will see yourself in the lyrics as the singer, or the one the song is about. Either way I am sure you will find some value in their music, not just this song. I did, and I still do as I start over, over 50.

   As a child I grew up in southern Mississippi. I am a son of the South, born in Texas and raised in the most typically southern state in the union. I am unashamed of my heritage and embrace all that is southern. The good, the bad, the hard to bear and the even harder to bare history and stigma that goes with it. Where I live life was never easy for the early settlers and difficulties continue to plague those that are determined to stay. I am determined to stay. I have visited and lived in other states and other countries, but my heart and my soul have been inexorably drawn back to the Gulf Coast of Mississippi and like the continual ebb and flow of the Gulf's tide I have left and returned to the shores of my home.

   There are obligations that come with being from the South. Loyalty, honesty, and sincerity are just a few of those. Loyalty to home in spite of the tarnished history of the South. Honesty about our past and its relevance to the present and its threat to the future. Sincerity about our feelings for home and family and friends. This region has been ruled by no less than eight sovereign entities. It has been populated by virtually every race of people there is. It has been embroiled in controversy, wracked by war, and decimated by natural disaster. For some reason it continues to draw people looking for a new beginning, or a place to live out their final days.

   The people here are personable almost to a fault. A typical greeting from someone you barely know will include the phrase, "how's your mom and them?", or some derivation. They are sincere in their inquiry and will gladly respond to the same inquiry if it is offered. I have learned to view life through the eyes of Tennessee Williams, Faulkner, Weldy, Jimmy Buffet and the king himself Elvis Presley. The blues of the Delta tell our story. Our resilience is the legacy left to us by those that came before and it is the same legacy that we leave to those who will follow. Together we weather every storm and together we have rebuilt. With stubborn resolve that almost borders on foolishness we stay and persevere.

   Those are the traits that sustain me in difficult times. However, these same trials and tribulations that seem to be common to those from the south are the same reason that we unabashedly celebrate even the most mundane events. Festivals, carnival and religious observances anchor each community and mark the passing of the seasons. Pomp and circumstance accompany every major and minor event and reverence is expected and given whether it is your heritage involved or someone else's.Look around where you live. Explore your origins and boast about your home. These are the things that bring meaning to me. These are the things that give me a sense of place and provide comfort in the darkest of times. These are some of the things I hold close to me as I start over, over 50.

   As I stated previously I write because I am compelled to write. It took me a while to understand it, but I get it now, so I write. This blog is full of memories, mostly from life's lessons that I have learned through the years. It helps me to keep perspective and balance and it seems to relieve some burning desire I have to let it all out. Today I am writing about something that has been in my head for some time screaming to be let out. It is memory of someone I knew many years ago that did not pass through sleep's dark and silent gate and emerge to face another day. He will never see another day and his passing makes me realize how grateful I must remain for everyday I have.

   His name was and I guess still is Russ Jordan. I met Russ in 1984 not long after I was out of the Air Force. I had been convinced by a good friend to go into the insurance business and signed on with a national company that Russ and my friend worked for. We had an office downtown in a larger city. The office was staffed with about four other agents. Russ was not from here but he had attended college at Ole Miss and settled here on the coast with his wife who was from Biloxi. It was great atmosphere as all of us were outgoing and gregarious, loved sports and all of us a great sense of humor.

   Russ was smart. He was smarter than I would have imagined after first meeting him and was a natural for the line of work he had chosen. He knew the business well and had an ability to meet people and make them feel as if they were immediately his friend. He was sincere in this ability and many was the time that we would run into one of his clients and they were treated as and treated him as close friends and more than client and insurance agent. Russ had a way of making everyone comfortable. Non-confrontational, friendly, quick with a laugh and even quicker to laugh at your jokes. Again there was nothing insincere about his behavior, he was genuine. Many was the time when as young adult men we would all be gathered at local restaurant, and bar and Russ seemed to spark all of the fun and leave segues for any one of us to make a wisecrack or a joke.

   Russ had a great wife that seemed to compliment his personality and eventually had two beautiful little girls. He seemed to me to be invincible. Not in a superhero kind of way, but a way that made you think he had life under control and would continue to be happy and here on this plane of existence. He was fearless, not in a Seal Team Six kind of way, but rather in a way that told you he never worried about tomorrow, or failure, or actually selling anything. He seemed to know that no matter what he would be fine, he would be successful and that everybody liked him, and they did. I have never, to this day, heard a negative remark about him. As fearless as he was he would not live forever.

   I don't quite remember the year he died. I saw the obituary in the paper. I had drifted out of the insurance business and away from the crowd we ran with. I was shocked, stunned and saddened. It seems that the universe has a way of taking those that seem so invincible. Those that seem like they have it all figured out. His death was sudden and unexpected and not long after he passed his two girls were killed in a horrible accident. I ran into his widow one day while out walking. She seemed happy and well and I often wonder how I would be able to handle the loss she experienced. But I know now. You see she and Russ were the same. She knows what may happen, will happen and could happen at any time, but chooses to live and be happy. Those were the two simple choices that Russ made. That is what he had figured out. All we needed to do was to breathe in, breathe out and be happy and grateful for that and nothing else would matter. Today and everyday I am going to try and live up to that simple standard. To breathe in and breathe out and be happy as I start over, over 50.

   I do not normally write in my blog on Saturdays for many reasons, well maybe not many, and maybe not any good reason, but today I am compelled to write. That is why I write anyway, because I am compelled to do it. There is no other reason and the only analogy I can come up with is that feeling of having to vomit, but you just resist knowing all the while you will feel better as soon as you do. That is my process. Thoughts come to me and stay in my brain until I put them down on paper, computer screen, or even give voice to them.

   I am compelled to write today because I feel I must. I have my children this weekend, and like every other time I have them it is a panacea of sorts that allows me the ability to get through a weekend that would otherwise be rather mundane. They are innocents and unabashed in their love for me and life in general. They see promise in every day and every thing we do. Each visit to them is new adventure of things to do, laughs, fights, friends, exploration and quiet time spent with each other doing nothing but enjoying our time together.

   Today will be spent at the pool. Late August is typically the hottest time of the year and this weekend is no exception. We will stay all day, eat, play in the water and generally do nothing. Simple times that I am sure they will remember fondly as will I and like me, at my age, they will look back on these times as some of the best they knew. I know I do as I remember the time when I was their age. Simpler times because our minds were unpolluted by the worries of everyday life. We did not require much to be happy, to be engaged and the safety and security of our parents love was all that we needed to allow our minds to run free with imagination and discovery.

   I will enjoy the day as they do. I will find happiness in the Sun and the heat and the cool relief of the water. I will let watermelon juice drip down my chin, I will eat without regard to the effects it has on my long term health, I will get a sunburn no matter how much sunscreen I apply and tonight when my head hits the pillow it will be with the sense of having done nothing but love my children and life. Nothing matters today but them and me. The time we spend today cannot be recovered once it has passed so we will not waste it. As adults not wasting time is something we claim to always be doing, but the reality is we are always wasting time worrying, working and fretting about things that we will not remember a week from now. 

   Today my job is to do nothing but be happy and love. Try it today, put down the list of chores. Erase the thoughts of the past week and the worry about the next. Pick up a book. Take the kids out for some fun. Lay in the sand and listen to the waves and wind and let your mind loose to run and jump through dreams and fantasies with no regard to their outcome or possibility. Do nothing but love yourself and life and that will be enough. Join me today in this worthy endeavor as I start over, over 50.

   Karma. Songs are written about it, religions teach it and many, many people believe in it. I do not. Karma is defined (and this is paraphrased) as an action that springs from intentions, or a result that arises from an action. Many people use karma to hope for, or believe in a result that will happen to them, or someone else as a result of something they have done, or believe. For most people karma is used as a sort of hope for a vengeful act that will happen to someone based on a perceived heinous act that has been committed. Belief in karma requires that one hopes for and expects someone to suffer for what they have done and in that suffering the one who has been wronged will somehow receive justice.

   I have been told by people that karma will eventually catch up with me. That karma will one day exact from me that pound of flesh they think they deserve because I may have done them wrong. Nothing could be farther from the truth. My actions are mine and the karmic results that people believe will happen are subject to interpretation by me and not the person observing the action. While you may think justice has been served I may have never noticed the correction of universal justice that has taken place. It may never appear on my radar and your happiness at my reversal of fortune being due to what you think I was responsible for in the past, in your karmic belief has now opened you up to the same retribution.

   I reserve that form of karmic thinking for the poisoned mind and I dismiss it outright. How I feel, and how I think is a construct I create. My perception of the events occurring in my life is shaped by my thinking and my belief system. I choose not to hope for karma to catch up to those who may have wronged me. I choose to forgive where I can and forget where forgiveness is beyond the little piece of spirituality I possess. That is all I can do. Wishing for the same sort of thing to happen to the person that has wronged me just shapes my perception to see those event in my life in that same light. If I always hope for retribution, for same sort of bad to happen, then that is all I will see. You see, to me my feelings shape how I see what is around me. If I stay in the negative, in the hate filled space of vengeance, then everything that happens to me will be viewed through that prism of thought.

  Instead of hoping for that pound of flesh, if we cannot forgive, then for the time being until we can get to that place, we must forget. Carrying the burden of hope for karma to catch up to someone even for an instant opens us up for the same thing. All we can do is to forgive those that harm, or wrong us no matter how difficult. We must hope for their happiness and applaud their successes. In so doing it keeps us free from the burden of revenge. As humans hoping for things to be balanced is almost an obsession. Forgive, and if you cannot, forget and let it go. Stay positive and move forward. Do not look back with anger, but rather with happiness. I am forgiving where I can and forgetting and letting go where I cannot. Join me as I start over, over 50.

   While I preach about not living in the past, I also firmly believe we should not forget it. If we did not remember the past we would continue to commit the same mistakes over and over. However, the past also holds little gems of happiness for us. Lessons we learned that were not painful, but joyous and magical in a way that their recall puts us in a better place when we are feeling down. By recalling these occasions we can renew our faith in this world and in this life. We know that if it happened once it can certainly happen again and maybe next time being prepared for it we can better take advantage of the circumstance. Today I am going to recall one of my fondest memories from almost 40 years ago. One that almost seems like it never happened. One that has been stuck in my mind lately so much so that if do not write it down it may disappear forever and be lost to me.

   I grew up in and still live in a town about 65 miles east of New Orleans. If you have never been there I highly recommend a trip to see it and to walk around its historic districts. Take a stroll down by the river and through Jackson Square. Learn some of its history and get know what the city is about. As a young man when I became old enough to drive my friends and I would make trips to New Orleans on a regular basis to party and feel like an adult. To risk safety and sanity along the streets of the French Quarter. To behave in a manner that decorum prevented us from doing back home. New Orleans seemed to us to be a place without boundaries, magical and mystical where almost anything dreamed of could be real.

   I have always been a hopeless romantic. I have always dreamed of that one true love I read about in books and dreamed would one day be mine. I wanted my heart to be filled with the burning desire and dedication to someone that felt the same about me as I did them. This idea left me open to many disappointments and failed relationships but I never gave up.

   It is with this dream, this burning need to feel that way, that I found myself in New Orleans late in October of 1977. With some friends in tow I made yet another pilgrimage to the Big Easy for the weekend. After checking into a hotel we made our way down to what we considered the jumping off point for a night of debauchery and foolish behavior in the famed French Quarter. We always started in Jackson Square at The Cafe Dumonde. Not because we craved beignets and cafe au lait, but because it was the perfect meeting place and our trek from there would lead us up through the Quarter back to our hotel...hopefully.

   I Love the water and I love to sit and stare at it as it changes and moves along. I found myself leaning against a railing along the Mississippi River staring out across as boats made their way back and forth along the muddy highway. That evening I was not alone and looked across to my right and saw a young lady standing and looking out at the same scene as I. She looked at me and I stared back unabashed and hoping to get her attention. Without warning she looked over at me cocked her head to the side and walked over to where I was standing. I stammered my way through the introduction, struck dumb by her beauty and straightforward approach. Before I knew it we were walking up St. Peter street. We stopped inside some small oyster bar and sat down to cold beer and oysters. We talked as we ate and I know this because I remember her smile and her lilting laugh at something I said. Today I cannot recall the sound of her voice or what we talked about, but I know we did.

   From there, as the Sun set, we made our way down St. Peter to the Preservation Hall for some jazz music. I think we may have danced to something, I am not sure. So much time has passed and I may be filling in gaps with things I only dreamed of and not what really happened. From there we left and made the obligatory stop at Pat O'Briens for hurricanes and piano music. We sat out on the patio with the flaming fountain and talked and laughed and I think I may have spent most of time staring into those deep blue almost violet eyes. We left Pat O'Briens after a while and wound our way through some side streets of the French Quarter finally arriving at some hole-in-the-wall dive bar with a live band.

   Most of what happened after that is a blur. I know we danced and drank until the wee hours of the morning, but when we left it was still dark. I had no idea where we were and asked if she wanted to grab a cab and head back to my hotel. She smiled and I was sure the answer would be no, and it was. She suggested that we retire to her house which just happened to be around the corner. Off we went. It was the typical looking house from the street and we went through an iron gate that opened up into a courtyard with and upper story. We went up a wrought iron staircase and into a room that must have faced the river because I could smell the water and hear the steady thrum of big diesel engines pushing freight up and down the waterway. That night we came together as one and explored each other in ways that that still take away my breath. I had no idea how long it lasted. I remember looking at her once as she sat on the side of the bed, her raven hair cascading down her back, her lean legs crossed as she ran her hands through her hair and stared out the window. After that I remember nothing until I woke up to sun streaming through the windows and the sounds of the street below.

   I woke up slowly, stretching, and rolled over to find an empty space beside me. I got up, dressed and went down the stairs to the courtyard and into a kitchen. I smelled coffee and went over to the table where I found a note that said, "had to run some errands, wait for me" and it was signed simply, "me". I looked around and noticed I smelled of sweat, smoke and stale beer. I decide to go out on the sidewalk and see where I was and what was happening. As the gate closed behind me I heard a click and turned around to re-open it and discovered it was locked. Damn! I thought a minute and decided to get back to the hotel and shower and change and come right back. I wandered down the street to a corner and hailed a cab and made it back to the hotel where I showered and changed and headed out to go back to that house in the quarter.

   There was a flaw in my plan and due to the scattered thinking of youth I did not remember where I had spent the night. I tried in vain to explain where I had been to the driver and eventually had him drop me off back down at the river in Jackson Square, hoping to retrace my steps from the night before. I spent the entire day wandering the streets of the Quarter and the surrounding neighborhoods to no avail. In the clean light of day nothing looked familiar. I went to the hotel, paid the bill and checked out. I decided to go back to the Quarter for the night and see if anything caught my eye.

   While I knew what she looked, felt like, and the intoxicating scent of honeysuckle, orange blossom and lavender that seemed to come out of her pores naturally, but I had no memory of her name or the address or street name where she lived. I wandered around that night aimlessly searching for any clue, but I had no luck. She was gone and what had happened was just a hazy memory to be cherished and held. I made my way back to my car and returned home. I slept for two days and it took another 4 or 5 days before I was back to a sense of normalcy. Like a junkie going through withdrawal I suffered physically and emotionally.

  And like that junkie I have spent the rest of my life chasing that first high I felt of true love, wanting to relieve the ache of needing to be with someone and knowing that that person was somehow the "one" even though you barely knew them, but at the same time you felt that you knew everything about them. She was me, and I her. We connected, and to me it seemed we had been put on this Earth to be with each other and only each other. And like that junkie chasing that high I have never found it again. I ruined many relationships trying relive that feeling and today I stand on the rotten heap of decay and emotional carnage. However, I keep that memory and I keep her in me. I have faith that while I may never meet her again I will  find that feeling with someone once more. It may be someone I have yet to meet and it may be someone I already know. Someone close to me that I have not yet seen in that same light, not been with during that perfect meeting of time and place. I will not give up, but I am more careful as I still search today and everyday with faith and confidence starting over, over 50.

 

   Since I have begun this period of introspection I have looked at and read many things pertaining to self help, self realization and personal growth. Most I discarded, or dismissed because they did not seem to have any relevance to me. I hope I did not make any mistakes. Of those I read, or paid attention to some, only a couple of them stood out. There were only a few that I took the time to read or understand. One of them of course was the Bible. It has too many passages and instructions that provide solace and help for me to have ignored and the other is something called The Secret.

   I had heard of The Secret on many occasions. I had read passages from it and I believe I recall a show that Oprah did dedicated to this topic. As many times as it had crossed my path I never really took the time to pay close attention to it. Like most times of trial and tribulation in my life I relied on myself to make it through the troubles I was facing. This particular time though I was in a place where I decided it was worth it to at least find out what it was about.

   There are many books, and TV programs dedicated to The Secret. I found the documentary and took the time watch it and really take it in. I am glad I did. Has it somehow transformed my life and made everything that much better? In a way it has. I look at things in a different way. I apply the things I learned from watching The Secret everyday in my life and I must admit I am happier, calmer and far more optimistic about the future. I no longer worry, fret, or wallow in the muck and mire of what has happened nor do I stand frozen, feet stuck in the brambles about fear of the future.

   The Secret takes the basic principles of self awareness and our place in this universe and with some help from almost every religion tells you how to use this knowledge to improve your outlook on life. It does not guarantee riches and success, or fame and fortune, it does however, let you in on a way of thinking that allows you to achieve what you want, accept what you have and not to think about what could have been, or should have been and it helps you get rid of the idea of "what if".

  The Secret uses basic ideas about the Law Of Attraction to guide to us to place in our minds where we can be comfortable with ourselves, and what we really desire. It provides insight into a way of thinking that frees one's mind from the shackles of fear and doubt. The Secret does not champion any religious ideals, or any one religion as the only way. It does however, contain tenets from all religions, including my own Christianity, in such a way that it becomes self evident to one that we are really meant to be happy, we are meant to have the things we want from life and it is okay to be successful, to be famous, or to be rich if that is what we desire. If you are wondering what The Secret is, find the DVD and watch it. Give it some thought and try to apply the principles that it espouses to your everyday life. I am doing that and I am realizing the simplicity and the nature of its tenets as I start over, over 50.

   To be a human being means we are thoughtful by nature. Since we left the trees and became meat eaters our brains have grown and our preoccupation with finding food has taken a back seat to loftier pursuits. Today as a species we do not have to spend all day focusing on shelter, food and basic survival. This is a blessing as well as a curse. We are certainly safer now, healthier now, and technology has made our lives much simpler, but at the same time that we have been released from the shackles of survival we have become chained to our thoughts.

   The two most basic emotions that drive us are fear and love. They both cause us to act in irrational ways and to do things that in hindsight make us question our own sanity. Fear keeps us from accomplishing so much because in fear we can talk ourselves out of attempting things that would improve our lives. With fear we tend to imagine so many different scenarios that could occur we are frozen in place and never move forward. How many times have we committed some error at work, or home, only to have our minds race with the possibilities and consequences that are so far fetched our entire day is consumed with the thoughts of the incident. KISS is an acronym that stands for "keep it simple, stupid." The point here is to keep things simple, do not over think something. When starting a project I have watched many people start listing the problems that may arise during the completion of the project rather than the steps needed to successfully complete that project.

   Too many times when faced with a problem or difficult situation our minds race off to imagine all sorts of negative consequences that may arise as we try to extricate ourselves from it, or solve it. We have the capability to project all of our fears and bad thoughts on to any situation to make it far worse than it really is. It is funny how more often than not we are able to see all of the bad things that can happen and we have great difficulty focusing on all of the good. We can take the simplest of things and turn into one of the most difficult things we may ever face. The truth is if we look back at some of what we thought were potentially the worse things that could ever happen to us, when we look back at the things we thought we could never overcome, or things we were sure would affect us and all of those around us in a bad way for years to come we find that the opposite is true.

    While in college preparing to write my first large research paper my professor asked how many of us had heard of Occam's Razor. Maybe one hand went up. Occam's Razor is a principle that puts forth the idea that when faced with competing hypothesis the one with the fewest assumptions is most likely to be correct. In other words, when all else is put aside the simplest explanation is the correct one. When facing a potential problem in life, or having to face something difficult caused by our own mistakes in judgement let us not rush toward some long and drawn out complicated set of events that could occur, but rather focus on the reality of the situation and keep it simple. Our lives are complicated enough without our help. Look at similar events and remember how they turned out. The fact that we are able to take the time to think about a problem is testimony to our ability to stand tall in the face of any adversity. We have faced so many difficulties in our lives that one more minor bump is inconsequential. Think of all of the good things that can come out of something rather than the bad that may come, and most probably, will never happen. I am looking for the good and I am keeping it simple as I start over, over 50.

   As the title of this blog suggests when I started it I am in the process of starting over. That process I have discovered is an ongoing work that really begins anew every day. It can begin at any time increment you choose, but I would imagine breaking the time down on a daily basis is the easiest to deal with. Humans break there lives down into time segments to better organize things, or to signify the ending and beginning of things. One of things I have discovered and shared is not hanging on to the past. It is a common theme in my writing and one that I will revisit fairly often.

   While we are always cautioned to let go of the past the one thing we must be mindful of is not forgetting it. We must remember the past, our mistakes, our failures, our victories and our triumphs over adversity. The past must be remembered because as humans we always make mistakes. Mistakes are how we learn new things and reinforce lessons already learned. We cannot be afraid of failure and cannot be afraid of making mistakes. However, we must be mindful of our past mistakes so that they are not repeated. So the past holds a place of purpose in our journey and we must examine it and learn from it, but not be mired in it.

   So what can we do about the past and the mistakes we made or the wrongs we perceive that others have done to us? As far as the wrongs done to us by others there is not much we can do. Being angry is a waste of time and sitting around lamenting what has been done by others and waiting for them to fix it is giving power to someone that neither earned nor deserves it. The only thing we have control over is ourselves and the only thing we can change is us. Many self-help groups and books talk endlessly about the necessity of making amends as an essential piece of the self improvement puzzle. The only problem with this is that by the time we realize we need to make amends it may be too late or even more revealing is that the person we need to make amends to either is no longer interested in it or may not even realize you think you may have done them wrong.

   I sometimes think that making a list of those we need to make amends to is the epitome of hubris. We assume that we had such an effect on someone that they require our acknowledgment of it and need that pound of flesh from us. Truth be told most people are rarely thinking of us. Most people are like us in that they are wrapped up securely in their own lives and problems that ours are just not evident to them. How many times has someone taken their own life only to have those around them exclaim, "I had no idea that they were hurting that much!" We must be mindful of our place in the lives of others.

   That being said we must always be mindful of ourselves and our own behavior. When we wrong someone we need to own it, admit it and be contrite about it, make whatever amends we can and move on. If we strive to always be kind, to realize that we can, with our words and actions, hurt another and then try to make amends we will have less to think about. I am going to endeavor to be kind in words, thought and action. I can no longer afford to be anything else. I have enough baggage I am carrying from my past. I do not need to add to my load. So today and everyday join me in making a solid effort to be kind. Be someone slow to anger and quick to forgive. Make an attempt to keep your mouth closed and your heart open and when faced with the choice of being right or being kind, choose kind, I am going to try to do all of this as I start over, over 50.

   Since we already know that change is the one true constant, I thought I would address a part of change that affects us all. When I was a child rotary phones were the standard and people still sent and received telegrams. I have watched communication technology change and grow from that old rotary phone to push button phones, cordless phones, cable TV and the rise of the computer. I have a daughter that was born into a household with a Commodore 64 computer and dot matrix printer. Since those days I take for granted the technology I use today, but there is a piece that although I resisted at first I have come to accept and use regularly.

   Social media has grown exponentially in the last two decades. The youth of the world were the first to embrace it as a way to give themselves a voice and to be heard at an age when it seems no one is listening. That explosion in social media sites like Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and Instagram, have enabled people of all ages to engage and connect with a larger world than I could as a teenager. Today a chance picture or video can launch someone into a semblance of celebrity status unknown just 20 years ago.

   As an adult over 50 years old the one thing that I have noticed is how generational the acceptance of social media has become. My parents are still alive and have seen a far more substantial change in technology than I have, yet like others of their generation they seem reluctant to embrace the idea of social media. Their complaint seems to be the idea that they would be opening their lives to scrutiny that makes them uncomfortable. They do not seem to grasp that people can only have the access they allow and then only to the information that they permit to be viewed or shared. The younger generation does not seem to have accumulated the baggage that the older generations have, so they have a limited concept of privacy.

   Facebook seems to still be the platform of choice, at least for the people that I am in contact with on a daily basis. I use it, although in the early days of its explosion on the social media scene I took on the same mantra that my elders espoused. However, I have come to appreciate the use of social media for many purposes. For me the most valuable part of social media is the ability to reconnect and stay connected to people that I had lost contact with and to people that I otherwise would never have an opportunity to interact with.

   Having worked in military intelligence I understand the value of maintaining a low profile and closely guarding your privacy. Just like in face-to-face encounters on-line communication should be carefully controlled and one should not share everything about themselves at any time on social media sites.Common sense should dictate what we use social media for and anyone you communicate with that you just met on the web should be treated the same way as someone you just met on the street. There is no need to immediately let someone into your inner circle and until you know more about them and have vetted them they should be held at arms length. All that being said I would encourage you to join a social media site. You would be surprised at the people you can reconnect with and make new connections with. It is a valuable tool when used properly and can open up a whole new world for you. I will be cruising around social media, trading stories, pictures and updates with a very cordial group of old and new friends. join us, you will be pleasantly surprised as I am, everyday as I start over, over 50.

   A few weeks ago I was in a bookstore looking for something new to read. I have been a voracious reader since elementary school. As I scanned the aisles looking for something to buy I became increasingly frustrated at my inability to make a decision. Some of the books were by authors I had never heard of, some were genres I did not feel like reading and many others I had already read. No matter how hard I tried I could not find anything that suited me.

  I thought about my problem a lot and it made me remember a time when I stumbled upon an author that has become one of my all time favorites. I was in a bookstore facing the same dilemma. No matter how hard I tried nothing compelled me to buy. Usually there are three things that prompt me to pick up a book to read, they are so simplistic that I am somewhat embarrassed. The first is the cover, just like the packaging in the grocery store the cover will prompt me to pick up a book and examine its worthiness. The second thing is the title, and the third is the author. With this in mind the following is what I stumbled upon many years ago.

  While perusing the shelves at a bookstore a title jumped out at me. It was In the Electric Mist With Confederate Dead, by James Lee Burke. That one random decision has provided me with many hours of good reading. James Lee Burke is an excellent author. His books appeal to me on many levels, genre, style of writing and sometimes a historical context that that is compelling and relevant to events in my life. Mr. Burke was born in Texas and spent his early life on the Gulf Coast of Louisiana and Texas. His settings are similar to where I grew up as are some of the characters in his books. The influence of Louisiana and the Gulf are evident in his stories and seem to shape his characters and stories in a way I find easy to empathize with.

   Burke's main characters are usually damaged heroes in need of redemption. One of his recurrent characters is a sheriff's deputy named Dave Robicheaux. Wracked by demons from his past and the Vietnam War, the deputy fights evil at the same time he is trying to come to grips with things he has done in his past that are similar to the evil men he faces. Most of the stories take place in Louisiana and some take place in Texas and Montana. Mr. Burke maintains homes both in New Iberia Louisiana and Missoula Montana. He has twice been awarded the Edgar Award for Best Crime Novel of the year. Three of his books have been made into movies, but to me they do not measure up to the books.

   The next time you are looking for a good read I encourage you to try one of Mr. Burke's novels. Well written and to me as good as any book I have read, I am sure you will find them entertaining, compelling and worthy of the critical acclaim he has received. His most recent novel Wayfaring Stranger, is one of his best. The next time you are looking for a book to read, pick an obscure title. Choose a book that on the outside offers no clue to what is between the cover. I did it and I have been rewarded handsomely with many hours of great reading. If you read his books leave me a comment on what you think. If you have already read them leave me a comment and tell me your experience. I am still looking for something new to read and I am waiting on the next great novel as I start over, over 50.

   Recent news stories have prompted me take a look at humor. Websters has a few definitions for humor, some if which are a little disturbing, but in a general sense it is defined as the ability to be funny or to be amused  by things that are funny. when listing some of the more desirable qualities in a mate people often list a sense of humor as being very important. We are always encouraged to have a sense humor. A sense of humor means to have the ability to recognize humor when we see it. Being able to make someone laugh is a gift and many women choose a man that makes her laugh before they choose one based on looks.

   Being able to laugh at the things around us that are funny has the ability to turn a bad day good. Seeing the irony in a situation sometimes makes it easier to understand and deal with. Some of the more notable phrases that deal with the effects of humor on our well being include the often used "laughter is the best medicine." Studies show that laughter actually improves our over all well being. It triggers the release of certain hormones that promote healing, and allows us an escape from some of the more negative aspects of a situation or event.

   We must however be able to distinguish between the ability to make someone laugh from the perceived notion that in being able to do so then that person is happy. Too often the ability to make others laugh is a self defense mechanism used to hide some deeper personal pain. Just because I can point out irony, and the humor around myself and others in life does not necessarily make me happy. Masking pain and distress with jokes and humor is only a temporary fix. As much as I enjoy making others laugh I love to laugh myself. I enjoy comedy over almost any other form of entertainment and for me it is an essential part of my life.

   How many times have we met someone that just cannot seem to laugh or be amused at the absurdity of things? Instead they become angry, distressed and respond with phrases like, "that's not funny, it's just stupid." While they may be right, something can be stupid and funny at the same time. We must realize however, that the things we find funny do not appear that way to others. For example I find myself cringing more than laughing at some of the ridiculous antics of people that while silly and foolish are not really funny. I rarely if ever laugh when someone commits a faux-pas in public that is embarrassing such as falling, tripping etc.

  All that being said I constantly search for things to make me laugh. I have a number of Three Stooges dvds that provide many hours of laughter. I never miss a chance to watch one of my favorite comedians perform and I find pleasure in the ridiculous puns some of my acquaintances come up with. We should use humor for a good purpose. I try to shy away from humor as a mask or shield and instead embrace it as a curative measure for my inability to remain grounded and happy. Humor gives us a break from the grind of every day life and allows us respite from strife and struggle. Take the time to find some humor today. If not in the situation find manufactured humor to allow an escape. Study the subtle sarcasm of Bugs Bunny, or the in your face antics of Tom and Jerry. Lighten up and take a break for minute. You will be better for it and for a time will be able escape to a better place. I vow to laugh today no matter what it takes and find the humor I need to feel better and stay grounded as I start over, over 50.

   Due to recent changes in my life I have embarked on a journey of introspection. Not some metaphysical spiritual journey, but a simple self examination of where I see myself and where I want to see myself. As a result of this I have begun to seriously change my way of thinking, my outlook on life and how I view my role in its direction. The important part of this idea is the "my role" part. My role is the only one that matters. No one else has or had a role in my journey, or my current destination. My reactions to and my treatment of others may have been a deciding factor, but no one else has any ownership in it but me.

  One of the many things I am discovering is how I view my circumstance and how I view what I want that to be. I used to hope that things would get better. I used to hope that someone would love me, that I would win the lottery, or that I would be successful. Hope was an integral part of my way of thinking and a big part of my daily affirmations that intentionally, or not, were a constant mantra of my thoughts. That has changed now. I abandon hope. I disregard hope and no longer hope for anything. Do not get me wrong. I am not giving up nor am I in a deep well of depression from which there is no exit.

   Instead I have adopted faith over hope. I have faith in how my life will unfold. I walk through the day with the faith of a zealot sure that even in death they will live forever. You see, I have come to realize that hope is just a wish, a dream, nebulous and ethereal in its nature and holding no promise or obligation, to its creator (he who hopes) to manifest those things he believes in. Faith is the sure knowledge of something. The belief that no matter what, the things you want and desire can be manifested by the sheer belief that they will be. Faith the is sword that conquers foes and the shield and that protects a heart.

  I believe that hope can be a thief. Robbing one of the surety that the knowledge you possess is useless against the inexorable tidal forces of circumstances bent on diverting you from your chosen path. Hope is only the dream of a promise that may be and not the sure knowledge of what will be. When Dante described his entry into hell the last line of the inscription above the gate was "Abandon all hope ye who enter here". That is good advice. Abandon hope and cling tenaciously to faith. As Jim Carrey said in a recent college commencement address "Hope drives through the fire, faith leaps over it." Faith gives you the strength to conquer, hope gives you a dream of what might happen.

  Don't get me wrong. I am certain hope has a place. There are bound to be parts of our journey where hope has relevance. For me, right now, faith is what I choose. I have faith in myself and I have faith in what is yet to be. Why? Because I firmly believe that it will be. That's right, I believe it will be. I believe that what I want and desire will manifest itself and I know from the knowledge of past experience that I can manifest those those desires into reality. Dr. Phil always proclaims that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. While he may be right on a psychological level I do not believe it applies to our ability to alter our path. I am walking in faith. I have faith in the fact that I am the master of my own ship and I guide it to its final port. Walk in faith with me today. Be strong in your beliefs and sure in the knowledge that you will prevail. I am taking that walk today and everyday as I start over, over 50.

   As I get older the one constant I notice is how little I really know. I have been to college, served in the military and was a school teacher, but my true scope of knowledge is rather narrow. In recent years I have taken to studying things that I used to struggle with. Things a bit more complex than I am used to and things that serve no real purpose at the present time other than the continued accumulation of knowledge and to exercise my aging brain.

   After completing my undergraduate degree in History I obtained a license to teach. At that time I was tired from the rigors of college and the course work required to get my teaching certificate so I coasted for about a year. I became restless and took up reading about some of my favorite subjects. It was at this time I was encouraged to apply for and was accepted into a program at The Mississippi School of Math and Science to learn how to better teach math. In the interest of full disclosure I must say that while I was a good student and graduated with highest honors from college, math was never my strongest subject. I took college Algebra four times before I was satisfied and passed with an A. In school, as a youngster, math confused and perplexed me and while I managed decent grades I never really grasped the nuance of numbers.

   This time something was different and while I gave it no thought at the time in retrospect I think I know what it was. First, the training was free. I would lose nothing if I did not complete the course, or master the material. Second, there were no grades. I only needed to complete the training to be successful. I completed the course work and took the state exam to be certified to teach math and only missed one question on the entire exam. I had conquered a fear and mastered the mystery of math! I believe now that it was the absence of the stress of economics and grades that allowed me to do this.

  What's my point? Well, besides not wanting to miss a chance to toot my own horn I am pointing out that it is never too late for us to learn and master new things that had previously caused us great consternation. I was over fifty years old when I completed that course. Since then I have gone on to study more advanced mathematics and I am starting to wet my beak with physics. Unencumbered by having to pay for a course I might not complete I can learn at my own pace in the absence of soul crushing, self induced requirements to be at the top of the class. I relax and let the information flow into my brain. Now I can take on the new challenges and push past my early fears and barriers.

  At my advanced age and career path I can take on new challenges. I am just as equipped as I was in my youth, maybe more so. Being over fifty I have years of experience and prior knowledge. I have developed discipline that I lacked in my youth. Now I can pick and choose what I want to study and how far I want to take it. So I say to you, go out there and take on a new challenge. Learn something new that you may have thought beyond your abilities before. Shy away from nothing and do not assume you cannot not grasp it. I am learning, and absorbing new knowledge everyday as I start over, over 50.
Some books I previously mentioned are listed again below. I encourage you to check them out.

Here's Looking at Euclid, Alex Bellos
The Dancing Wu-Li Masters, Gary Zukav
Mathematics, The Loss of Certainty, Morris Kline

  TGIF, or Thank God it's Friday a common phrase used by people all over for decades to signify the beginning of the weekend and some rest and relaxation, although that is rarely the case. As human beings we divide our time into neat little packages to quantify our life cycles. We have taken up the habit of naming decades, generations and some cultures have a name for each year not only to quantify, but qualify it as well. The truth is time is but a construct we developed to define our reality and our march through life.

  We should be happy for every day. As opposed to TGIF we should say TGIT, or That God it's Today! Thank whomever, or whatever you please, but have some gratitude. We are given many gifts throughout life. Some material, some emotional and some are intangible little things that we rarely notice. Each day is a gift and each new day is precious. For many people yesterday was their last day on this Earth and in this reality. As yet we only have faith in what we believe to be waiting for us after death. Do not concern yourself with death. You have no control over it. We can take steps to minimize our exposure to death, we can minimize our risk to avoid the possibility, but eventually it is another gift we will receive.

  Time is our most precious commodity. Time, we have found, is relative to space and distance as well. We measure time and distance with interchangeable phrases. When asked how far away a place is we may answer in hours, or we sometimes answer in distance as well because we all have an innate sense of the relative nature of space and time. Distance is just another description of space. It is the time interval between two points in space. We cannot however measure the distance between our birth and death in any other way than time. Or can we?

  We measure our lives with milestones. Birth, school is measured in increments, marriage, child rearing, grandchildren and career changes are many ways in which we quantify our passage through time. How do you measure the distance between your birth and death? I choose not to. I am making a conscious effort not to measure, or quantify my past, or my future. I no longer say "when I retire..." or when I have grandchildren...". I am going to reside firmly in today and the now. I remember the past, but I do not live in it. I consider the future and prepare for some things, but I do not anticipate anything. In anticipating an event we create it, good or bad if you think about it often enough and hard enough it will come to pass.

  Today is what we have and today is the greatest gift we can ever receive. Another chance to live well, be happy and treat those around us with kindness respect and gratitude for being part of our lives. Stay in each moment today as it arrives. Do not dwell on someone that just passed through your day trying to harsh your gig. Truth is you probably went unnoticed to them and were not given a moments consideration. Be grateful and happy and try to be a shining example to those around you. This day is yours, a gift from the universe and time. Use it wisely, it may be your last, or it may be the beginning of a spectacular chapter in life. Seize it, grab it by the horns as I vow to do, starting over, over 50.

   Today is another new beginning and I think I have decided to add a more practical twist to this endeavor for me and for any one else who may find it useful. When you reach my age, the downhill side of 50, there are some things that need to be taken care, examined and put in order. Not that I am anticipating an untimely end it is just that I know that sooner or later the inevitable will occur. The law of the land complicates our advancing age, retirement and our ultimate final goodbye to such an extent that it is incumbent upon us to make things a little easier for those who may have to tidy up our affairs.

   The first to consider, I would think, is what we can do for ourselves as we age. Retirement, as much as some of us cannot imagine it we have to prepare for the time when we stop producing an income. Hopefully this has been planned for well in advance. I approached it this way, first I sat down and made a list of very place I had ever worked. I have worked at a lot of places. Most larger companies have solid retirement plans so there may be money left out there for you to tap into. Some larger corporations had, or may still have a plan called an Employee Stock Option Plan, ESOP that the company contributed to on your behalf. There are other types of plans well. If you ever worked for the Federal, or State and Local Government there are the Federal Employees Retirement System, or FERS and Public Employee Retirement System, or PERS. Using the internet is the quickest way to check out all of these places to see what you may have out there. You may have to sign up, or create an account, but after that checking what may be there is a breeze. One other thing I would do is make a list of every location you have ever lived and check the online registries for unclaimed funds. From old bank accounts to unclaimed tax refunds as well as money left to you by some long lost relative, there may be something out there.

   After you have that knocked out the other thing to consider for the present is your health. Do you have health insurance? Can you get health insurance? Again hopefully this has been taken care of in advance as well. If not, there are options. If you have ever served in the military trot down to your nearest Veterans Health Administration facility and register to see what benefits you may qualify to receive. Whether or not you ever served in combat, or were wounded, or injured during your tenure is not relevant. Do not assume you are not eligible and if you need the resource make use of it. I have and have found the health care I receive at my facility to be first class. Some of it I have to pay for and some is and can be billed to your insurance carrier if you have one. There are also state and federal programs such as medicaid and medicare, or even the Affordable Care Act. Again see if you need it and see if you qualify. You never know until you check and do not let your pride be the reason you suffer a lingering illness before you pass as this may place an undue burden on those closest to you.

   The last thing to do I would think is to prepare for the day you will ultimately leave this life. First a living will, or advance directive is essential. This document spells out how and who will make medical decisions when you are unable to do so. This can be simple, or complicated, it is yours so spell it out exactly the way you want it to be. Mine is rather simple. Mine simply says "give it a minute". This means do not be hasty in pulling the plug, if there is a small window of hope, give it a minute before yanking the plug. Again these are your wishes so spell them out clearly and designate someone you can trust to carry them out. Your last will and testament will spell out how you want what you leave behind dispersed. Remember you will be dead so be unconcerned what your heirs will think of you. Trust me, you will not be in a position to care. Designate a responsible person who you trust and leave your things to whatever person, persons, or entity you choose.

  These are just some of things to get in order as we move forward in life. The position I am in requires changing a good bit of this. One thing I have found that in doing these things is I have returned a sense of control over my own destiny and a sense of accomplishment in knowing that I am taking care of myself and those that are dear to me. These things are necessary so do not approach them lightly. Seek professional help, such as a lawyer and/or anaccountant. You would not enter an operating room without a surgeon, do not dabble in the law without a trained and certified professional either. You will rest easier knowing these things are done. I know I am as I start over, over 50.

 

   Today is the last day of summer for two of my children. While the calender does not reflect the fact, tomorrow is their first day of school for this year. This day has always been for children, the official end of the season of fun. While the weather won't change, life and routine will. As a child the days seemed to pass much slower than they do now. In a science class I took as an undergraduate the professor explained the biological reason for our change in the perception of the passage of time. It made sense and seems to hold true. However, time stills seems to pass more slowly during hard times. Our focus on the negative has a way of slowing things down.

    I am trying my best to stay in the present. I have become adroit at looking at the past in a positive light. My ability to see the past as not real and realize it was just a means of traveling to today has improved my disposition. The past does not exist. Things you may have done, or things that happened cannot be changed, or undone. We must learn to think about the past like this. We must learn to have an outlook that allows us to mover in the now and not be tied to our past. Anything we did, or anything others did that had an affect on us remains locked inexorably in the ethereal world of what was and not what is.

   In the same way that we must learn not to dwell in the past we must also be wary of being locked in stasis with regards to the future. Waiting around for what may come, or what we hope may happen steals the now that we have. We must also learn to be prepared for the future. One of the best ways I have found to do this is to is of course letting go of the past, but to also be happy with the present. Sounds difficult and sometimes it may be almost impossible. Being in severe emotional, or physical pain causes us to long for the quick passage of time because we know that relief comes with the movement of time.

  The past is gone. We can learn from it, we can look back on it with longing and a sense of loss, or we can just let it go and realize it no longer exists. Does that mean we must not hold on to any memories of it whether good or bad? Of course not! If that were true then the camera business would go belly up. What I am trying to say is let it go in the sense that we think we can, or must do something about it. Learn from it, hold and cherish the memories as treasures and life lessons, but without regret. Put that lopsided rueful grin on your face, shake your head at your foibles and walk in today. Something that to us as humans seems counter-intuitive, but trust me, you will be better for it. I know I am going to embrace today as the gift that it is...a new beginning as I start over, over 50.

   Another day and another new beginning. I was trying to think about the direction I would like to go with this writing project yesterday. When I started I thought it was good for me to wallow in the past and all that had happened and that writing about it would somehow speed up the healing process. So like most drunks in AA I spent everyday living in the past and counting up all of the bad things that had happened to me and believing that in dong so I would improve. Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to criticize AA, I am only saying that I think some people in and out of AA have the wrong idea about the whole..."an unexamined life is not worth living" idea.

   I have come to the conclusion that as we examine our life we must look at the past, but not in a negative manner. The fact that we can examine it is a positive attribute about our past. All of the things that happened are simply life lessons. The good, the bad, the happiness, the loss, the gain etc, are all sign posts and material we need on our journey. When I examine my life now I look at what I am carrying and discard those things that are weighing me down. Going through life with extra baggage is a waste of time. I no longer tally up the misery, or define myself by what has happened. I am what I am and not what anything, or anybody else has made me.

  My outlook is slowly changing. It is not a quick fix. Changing over fifty years of thinking habits requires discipline. Not the stringent discipline of a marathon runner, or professional athlete, but the temerity to keep at it even when you do not see immediate results. When you listen to highly successful and happy people talk they all seem to have the same common trait. Confidence and a firm belief that they will succeed even after repeated failures. When you look at the track records of an Edison, or Salk, or Bill Gates you find numerous setbacks and misses on their way to their goal. We have to be able to accept the fact that we will fail many times as we move forward, that many obstacles will block our path to our intended goal. We will never stay on the path if we leave it to go around hurdles. They must be overcome and we must keep going. We learn valuable lessons from each and every failure and obstacle that we encounter.

  Whether you are starting over because of a personal loss, medical reason, death of a loved one or many of the many life changing events that we face every day be confident about your ability. Have faith in whatever you believe in, God, the nebulous idea of the universe being in charge, or yourself. Whatever gets you through the journey embrace it. Each day is a new beginning, filled with promise and endless possibilities. None of the things that happen to you should be looked at as a negative event. Each thing that happens provides us with new knowledge and experience that help us mover forward, all of which are a good thing. I know they are good for me and I use them as I start over, over 50.

   One of the constants of starting over is being able to do it any time you want. How many times have we begun writing a letter, or e-mail, or started to tell a story and have had to start over? That is how our lives work. No matter what it is, or where in life you are we have been given the gift of a new beginning. Every day, every hour, every minute and second is a chance for a new beginning. Time marches on inexorably and we can begin anew whenever the mood strikes us. That is not to say that we should look at these time increments as an excuse to stop doing something, or withdraw completely, but when we find ourselves in a bad spot, making a bad decision or having done something that is harmful we can put on the brakes and start over.

   When I was in college one of the most valuable lessons I was taught was the first rule of holes. The first rule of holes is simply when you find yourself in a hole put down the shovel. That one piece of advice has stood firm in my psyche since I first heard it. When you have made a series of decisions that put you deep in the mire of some vexing situation stop what you are doing. Put down the shovel. In other words it is time to look around and see where you are.

   Once you realize where you are it is time to extricate yourself from the hole you have dug. Realizing that you dug this hole is absolutely necessary to being able to get out of it. You have some options here. You can replace the dirt and rise up as the hole fills back in, or if that is not possible you can claw your way out, dust yourself off and move on. Generally I have found myself in holes too deep to refill and must claw and fight my way out of said hole.

   When you manage to get out of the hole I would suggest leaving the shovel behind. Too many times we find ourselves in a hole, manage to get out, but then we pick up that shovel and move on to another location and do the same thing all over again. Einstein defined this as insanity, "doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results". Do not fall into this trap. As humans we tend to believe that we had the right idea and if we just try it again it will work this time all the while knowing in the back of our minds that the result is always the same. Stop it! get rid of the shovel and move on. Find some new tool to use.

  Each day is a new beginning filled with promise and endless possibilities. Move on and quit trying to prove yourself right by putting yourself in the same tired situations that do nothing for you. Begin each day without the past. Do not look at the past with regret or longing because it is gone. The past cannot be changed, only learned from. Dust yourself off and move on. Go on and carpe this day. It is a gift given to you. Do not squander it and for God's sake put down the shovel as I have, starting over, over 50.

   

  Back to the beginning is where I am today. I started this blog 3 years ago as way to work through what I saw were the wrongs done to me by others and to try and figure out what happened. While the initial exercise worked in a way it was the wrong way to get where I wanted to be. It was when I realized that the past meant nothing that I was able to change they way I was reacting to what had happened. That is the key I believe. How we react to circumstances dictates our perception of them.

   

   Since I titled this blog Starting Over Over 50 I will attempt to keep to that topic. If you conduct a cursory search of the www you will find that there is an abundance of such blogs so I will just stick to what I know and what is working for me. It may not be enlightening or groundbreaking, but it will do what I set out to do when I first started. And what was it that I set out to do? I have no idea, but since I started this I really need to see it through to the end whenever that may be.

  What is the first thing I learned from starting over over the age of 50? Excellent question! I learned I needed to let go of the past. The truth is that past no longer exists. The memories of it linger and how we see those memories and which memories we choose to hold close are what define how we react to the past. Most of us let the past dictate our present and how we view the future. If we see the past as something terrible that harmed us and left us scarred, bleeding and reeling from repeated blows, the slings and arrows of misfortune leaving us bloody and near emotional death then that is what we are setting up our future to be. We have to realize that our reality is ours and ours alone. Those that we think shaped our present and defined our past really do not see it that way. To think of our past in that manner gives power to those people that they neither earned, nor deserve and probably do not want.

   As I go about my business I vow to attempt to stay in the present at all times. The past is gone and all that is left are memories and I choose to recognize those memories as what they are, ethereal visions of events that only hold meaning to me as they are my memories. Was it all bad? No, none of it was bad. I learned from the past and as near as I can tell I suffered no harm, physical or emotional. I am standing upright, happy and well. I am grateful for all that I have. Whatever I had yesterday means nothing because yesterday does not exist. Go about your day today and every day in celebration of the now, in grateful anticipation of things yet to come and with the confidence that you can survive anything. I am going to do that as I start over, over 50.